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25 November 2011

I need your help...

If you are reading my blog, you know what sort of things I have gone through in the past years and to deal with it now in the past few months, it's slowly ruined me..
I never wanted to write this post, but I have to do it..I though I can sort my financial problems out alone, but I realised I just can not do it myself, as how depressed I feel, I had to close my shops down..I can not design anymore and can not work, as my hands are shaking so much, I can't paint, I can't singe my flowers or sew them...

I already put my house up for sale on eBay and one Hungarian Estate Agent site
(Update: I can not afford to relist the house at the moment on eBay, if you are interested, please contact me.)
 It will take time to sell it, but I need to do things now, to make me feel better...this can not wait any longer, I feel it.

I only have my paintings shop open at the moment on etsy and I decided to sell everything there on a much less price to raise money to make my dreams to became a reality..
I need $6,800.00 (Update on the 08.12.2011.: I only need $4,300.00 as I sold some of my works already) to make a first step to start a new life with my kids and to give me some strength to get out of this horrible mess I found myself in a few months ago.
To help me to recover and start designing and painting again...
I can not keep going any longer like how I feel in the last weeks. I need a change, that's why I need to raise that much money.

If you are interesting to buy any of my paintings or photograph prints, I can sell them for you on a price you are willing to pay, obviously in a reasonable amount. I've already adjusted the price on all the paintings for you, to receive a  50% discount, but I can give you further price reduction if you wish.


All of my paintings and photograph prints are available for this special offer, except: "The Mysterious Moon" what is for sale only on that price what is in my shop.

If you are interested to purchase any of my paintings or photograph prints in my etsy shop, please send me an email: marica.art@btopenworld.com and I can list them for you on the agreed price on etsy or on eBay.

I feel so embarrassed to write this post, but I am pretty desperate to put this money together before Christmas...I really need your help, even if you are not interested, but know someone who might.
Please can you forward my blog link to them or tweet it...thank you.

PS: Please read the comments under this post to see who I had to live with.
The ex still keep bullying me here and write nasty comments hiding behind the word "anonymous".
I just searched up the word "psychopathic" on Google, because I couldn't spell it correctly and to make sure that is the right description for the ex behaviour. And I was very surprised by the fact, everything what is describe Psychopath, he have it all...which scares me only to find out now..
I always thought is something wrong with him mentally, because of his weird behaviour, but never thought to look it up, maybe because I was try to keep my family together, no matter what he was doing to me and my kids and other people...

I copied and pasted his and my comments for you to see it:
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"Anonymous said...
Your life story is interesting, but your paitings are crap
25 November 2011 13:12 "
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"MGMart said...
To "Anonymous"
You sound exactly like my ex.
He was using the exact words about my work to knock me down to the ground, to feel I am worthless, after he realised hitting and raping me not break me down...
Is that you Carl????? Next time you are writing nasty comments on my blog, have that much in you to write your name down and show other people who you are really, stop hiding behind the word "Anonymous"
25 November 2011 13:46 "
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 "Anonymous said...
Sorry my dear, I am not your ex. Not sure if you really had an ex!!!
You would be lucky if I was your ex, bcos I would have killed myself of ever being with people like you. You just can't bare the truth, can you? Have you really ever sold even one of your paintings?
26 November 2011 01:26 "
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" MGMart said...
To "Anonymous"
I say it one more.
Carl leave me alone, stop bullying me over the internet, wasn't enough for you to hurt me while I was married to you??
Don't give me the "old lady" talk: "sorry my dear"...then write like a man..Carl I am not stupid, I know exactly it's you I can prove it, I lived with you for 15.5 years I know your sad games too well...
I know you was setting up a fake etsy account: (http://www.etsy.com/people/helskina and you was pretend it to be Sabina) to place a large order and you haven’t paid for it, just to mess me up even more financially, and I know you set up another two fake account on twitter to stalk me and check on me what I write.
First you have set up this account, but I blocked you, because your abusive tweets to me and to my twitter followers:
https://twitter.com/#!/anytimesoonerer
Then you set up this one with the same name as your fake etsy account: https://twitter.com/#!/helskina but I worked it out that is you again so I blocked that account again..
then you set up this other fake twitter account https://twitter.com/#!/threemice666 but I blocked that one too, because I hate creepy psychopathic person like you, I just searched it up on Google and here is the link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathywhat describes you exactly how you behave, just read it myself and every part of this description, just like you. Which scares me who I was living with all this years and if I would have known, you are having this mental disorder, I would NOT fallen asleep in the same room where you was sleeping and would NOT let my kids with you alone for a second...so it's not enough I just found out on the 20th of May you are having a paedophile interest, but you are having a mental disorder too..SCARY!!!

So leave us alone, that is the least you can do.
You should be locked up and not walk around freely on the streets and work in people’s houses.
26 November 2011 13:53 "
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"Anonymous said...

My name is Daniel Nickleson, working for Strand Gallery in London. I'm constantly looking for new talented artist. Trust me, your paintings are no way near being arts.
You are certainlmakey having issues with your ex, and that's not my interest at all. This is my last reply to you as I don't have time to waist, but I need to make it clear that I'm not hiding myself, it is just easy to leave a comment under anonymous category.
All of the best.
26 November 2011 23:24"
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'MGMart said...

To "Anonymous"
I've called up yesterday the Strand Gallery in London, and I was spoken with Kate, who is managing the gallery and she don't know anyone who works there, as only her and another lady work for the gallery.
So you made this one up again Carl.
I am asking you the last time, to stop playing your dirty games on me, I know 100% it's you, I have my ways to know it's you.
I only called the gallery up to let them know some weirdo writing nasty comments under their names.
I am telling you again, stop writing on my blog.
You should read carefully that Wikipedia link, and you will see "lying and manipulation", they are one of the characteristics in the mental disorder you have.
I don't think you will ever get it, as you are sick and I will ask the court in the next divorce hearing in January 2012, to do a test on you, as I will not let you near my kids anymore.
29 November 2011 10:38"
. . .

08 November 2011

No Love ... my 1st audio post


Finally today I decided to publish this blog post, which is (I think) the most important to me..
I wanted to do it a very long time ago, but every time I sat down to write it, I backed out of it.
Maybe because I was scared to see written down some of the things what was hurting me the most.
Even now I can not write about it still, that is why I had to record it... I hope you will understand what I want to say, I am sorry my English is not as good.
Since I am not tweeting and not writing on my Facebook account and here, I was alone and I had a time to think and I realised so many things what and why things was happening in my life.

To listen to my audio clips, please click on the highlighted words: "Introduction", "Part 1"..etc 

Sorry if I was making many mistakes when I was talking, but I was saying things how I felt in that moment.
I didn't write down what I wanted to say, so that's why I sound too slow sometimes, because I was thinking and said things out loud of myself, what I never shared with anyone before and I was incredibly nervous talking like that and show the real me..what is in my heart and in my soul...
Someone was asking me what is the noise in the background, the iPod microphone is so sensitive, it picks up the noise how the headset wire was moving on my t-shirt how I breath or talk.

I just hope you will listen to it all my 14 audio clips, I know it will takes a long time, but would be nice if you do...thank you

"Throw dirt on me and grow a wildflower
But it's fuck the world, get a child out her
Yeah, my life a bitch, but you know nothing 'bout her
Been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers..."

"...I think about more than I forget
But I don't go around fire expecting not to sweat..."

"I'm high as a bitch, up, up and away, man, I come down in a couple of days
Ok, you want me up in the cage then I'll come out in beast-mode
I got this world stuck in the safe, combination is the G-code"

Part 3
"...So you can keep knocking but won't knock me down
No love lost, no love found"

Part 4
In part 4, I said 2005, instead of 1995. I was incredibly nervous to talk and I made a mistake.

"It's a little too late to say that you're sorry now
You kicked me when I was down, fuck what you say, just
Don't hurt me, it don't hurt me, no more"

Part 5
"Bitch, you get no love
You showed me nothing but hate, you ran me into the ground
But what comes around goes around
And you don't hurt me"

Part 6
"You don't hurt me, no more
Bitch, you get no love, no love, no love, no love
Bitch, you get no love, no love, no love
And I don't need you no more
Get 'em"

Part 7
"I'm alive again, more alive than I have been in my whole entire life"

Part 8
"I can see these people's ears perk up as I begin"

Part 9
"To spaz with the pen, I'm a little bit sicker than most, shit's fixin' to get thick again"

Part 10
"I ain't never giving in again, caution to the wind, complete freedom..."
"It's an adrenaline rush to feel the bass thump in the place all the way to the parking lot..."

Part 12
"And you can never break my stride, you never slow the momentum at any moment I'm about to blow
You'll never take my pride, killing the flow, slow venom and the opponent
Is getting no mercy, mark my words ain't letting up, relentless, I smell blood
I don't give a fuck, keep giving them hell, where was you when I fell and needed help up?"

Part 13
You get no love
It's a little too late to say that you're sorry now
You kicked me when I was down, fuck what you say, just
Don't hurt me, it don't hurt me, no more
Bitch, you get no love
You showed me nothing but hate, you ran me into the ground
And you don't hurt me
You don't hurt me, no more
Bitch, you get no love, no love, no love, no love
Bitch, you get no love, no love, no love
And I don't need you no more
Bitch, you get no love

24 October 2011

So I got to this part...

...to the things what I never really wanted to do, but how the time pass by in this dark part of my life I need to do things what I truly never wanted to do.

I announced on my Etsy shop already, I am closing down my main shop for good this time and how I feel now, I don't think I will ever reopen it again.
It's makes me so sad, but I tried everything to keep up my Etsy shops, but I lost my passion to create, maybe God don't want me to create anymore...I really don't know..anyway this is how I feel now.
I waited long enough to get back to my work to design, but I totally lost my passion.
I already closed my supply and wedding shops down on Etsy and I will close my main shop on the 10th of November 2011.
I am not sure about my Etsy painting shop yet, I think I will keep that open for a while.

I had the first divorce court hearing on the 22nd of September and the ex promised front of the solicitors two weeks before the court hearing when we had a meeting, to pay me out to move out from my house with the kids and he will keep the house, car..etc. He promised he will pay the child support backdated to April 2011 what he owe for the kids.
But as always he lied again and changed his mind the next day.
So the situation is, he do not care about the kids anymore, he wrote it down for me and his son a few days ago.
He want money from me and he is not willing to pay the child support (he only transferred 400.00GBP in September to my bank account since April, but I think he only done that one of his weak moment, I bet he already regret it).

He still blackmailing me with all kind of things and blaming me for divorcing him, he just can not get it in his sick brain I had enough how he was hurting me physically and verbally since we got married, and since I found out five months ago he have a pedophile interest (please read my earlier blog post Not Affraid) and he cheated on me since we got married, I have nothing to do with that person anymore.

So, I have to sell the house to make money to help me start a new life with my kids.
I put up my house on auction on Ebay and on one Hungarian Estate Agency website for sale.
The house price is really low at the moment in Hungary, so it will be a bargain for someone.

It's hurts me to sell it, but I have no other option to cut all the ties with the ex and make it possible for start fresh with my two kids.
It was so hard to write that much today, because I am feeling so depressed about everything, but I am hoping to sell my house will ease all the pain what I was living in for 15.5 years.
To sell the house will close down a very sad part of my life and start new and be me again...

PS: I just wanted to say thank you for everyone who wrote to me a private email (marica.art@btopenworld.com) and on my Etsy shops. Sorry, but at the moment I don't feel to write back to anyone. I will later on, when I feel a little better.
I am sorry, I am not ignoring anyone, I just feel so down to write in the last months.
Please this don't stop you to write to me, because your messages give me strength to keep going...
Thank you!

31 August 2011

Beautiful...

..this song is playing in my mind for weeks now. I have to write again tonight, because today my day was worst than usual and the information I got today, just unacceptable and I really would like to hear your opinion what do you think of all this... is it only me who think this way, or am I wrong??

I am getting so confused by every day how the times pass by, I am waiting things will get better for my kids and me, but seems to be just getting worst..
Like in my other post in Not Afraid I will write under each song line when I can associate my feelings how Marshall felt when he wrote this song.
 
If you are in here for the first time, I would recommend to read my earlier post Not Afraid first to understand what is going on with me in this last months.


"Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone"
I have been too long on my own with my thoughts, in my private world while I was living with the ex.
Every time he hurt me physically or verbally, I was hiding deep inside this world of mine.. to keep my soul away from him.. because my soul was the only one I had for myself that time..
Some years was harder than the rest, looking at my paintings my hardest part was living with him was in around 2000. That time I was painting the most.. painting give me an escape from reality, like a "drug". When the pain was just so unbearable I started to paint at night and didn't gone to bed until I finished it. That was the only way I managed to stay strong in my soul and keep going.. sadly I only realized it all now a few months ago. As I said before, I had stress attacks nearly every night over a year and they was getting stronger and stronger..my body was telling my brain something was wrong and to make change.

"Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?"
One day I read someones tweet on my timeline and made me look who she was writing it to, and I started reading his tweets and when I read one of his long message to people, I felt strange the similarity of our thinking and what words he was using, like I was reading my own writing.. but that is another story I might tell you that one day.. it's just got too complicated in my mind.. made me confused, but helped me going through every day with my problems, how I found out more and more horrible things about the ex.

"I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump,
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up"
I am so depressed, seems like I can not get out of this slump. Every day I try to think positive, try to work things out in my head, how I can save my kids from any more pain. But just feels like things are getting worst for me. All that money problems I am facing now, I am working so hard to get my bills paid, buy the school books. Tomorrow we are going shopping a school bag for Gigi, because she will start the school after tomorrow, Edward need a new shoes, my teeth implant need to be paid to be finished..etc the list is going on.
Every day I try to get over on things, but every day something else bad thing happens and I really don't know anymore how I can get more strength to keep going on.
I know if I would not took my kids on a week holiday to Italy, I might be better of financially, but we all needed a break and I am not regretting I took them there. It's gave me some energy and to see my kids faces light up and see them smile when they saw the beautiful seaside at the first time and to see them going in to the sea and spend nearly the whole afternoon there.. that memories you can not buy!!
I am so proud of myself I done it for them all alone, from the money from all my hard work, was worth the sleepless nights and busy days. Thank you again for buying my works.

"I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent"
I don't know how or when I ended up in this position I am in.
I am thinking of this all the time why I never noticed anything earlier??? I am looking at my old photos and my eyes look like I am not there, like I have something front of my eyes.. like I was blind.
I think he tried to make me a person with his aggressive, negative and nasty behaviour who I never wanted to be, and that's why my eyes was looking strange and distant... the real me was sitting inside me deep down...
Writing is the only thing what make me feel better at the moment and tell people how I feel deep inside my soul.

"But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet, I know some shit's so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow"
How times gone by and we moved here to Hungary five years ago and I started my business three years ago.
Setting up my own shops on Etsy and work on them to make them successful, that creative work replaced the painting in my life. I was so passionate about to design and create my flowers and jewelry and earn money with it for helping paying the bills.
More I was hurt by the ex verbally, (because in Hungary he did not needed to hit me much, I knew my place by now, when I have to be out of his way or say nothing) more I was working on my shops and escape from reality by it and earn money in the same time.
But now since I realized what was wrong and I have decided to divorce, I lost my passion to design and create. I can not concentrate to do my shops anymore, my hands are shaking when I want to sew or singe the petals, that's why I want to close my shops down very soon.
I wish I can close them down today, but I can not afford to do it, I need to earn money someway to look after my kids.
I got my dreams what I want to do, but I don't know how I will achieve it, I feel weak and tired from all the pain and shock since I found out things what was going on behind my back by the ex..
One thing I know, if I go through it all, I will be stronger than ever, but I wish I have someone who can help me, I feel so lonely in my heart...

"Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes"
To write all this down how I feel, people might can understand what I am going through in this months. It's not "only" a divorce anymore, it's more like to get away from a monster who tried to ruin my kids and my life with his sick brain. He knew was something wrong with him, how many times he was holding his head and cried and said to me is something wrong with his mind..he even promised me to go to see the doctor when he gone back to the UK in April.. so he knew what he was doing, but maybe that one was one of his acting again, I have no idea anymore.

"But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh, they can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you"
I try to stay true to myself, as my friend said in April after I made my decision to divorce and I left the ex..
This words keep me going when I am really down and sad:
"it will feel good because you were true to your heart"

"I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom.."
I am crying still lost of times when my kids can't see me. But today was just too much for me and I was crying nearly all day. I was that upset to be pushed around by the ex still by his solicitor.
He still giving me orders what he want. He want to see my kids when the first court hearing and I am not happy about it all since I know what he was up to on his computer.
When I decided to divorce him in April, the reason was I realized what he done to me all this years and it is not normal to hurt someone and I had enough from the pain he caused me.
But I though even that, I don't want my kids not to have a dad, and I told him can we just be still talk after the divorce for the kids sake and keep the house for them, to not make them suffer anymore by moving to a flat somewhere in the town.
And when I was speaking with my solicitor today, he was telling me all the things what carl wants: sell the house, he take our car away, he will pay child support for the kids.. which is "quite nice" from him, as his previous relation, he haven't paid any child support after his first son. He always told me he don't care about "that" boy at all! That's why he never told my kids he have a son somewhere in the UK.
I do not care about this house at all, I wish I can move away from here in any minute. I only feel sorry for my kids they have to suffer and lose everything they loved, their toys, their comfort just because their father behaving and since three months I knew about his pedophile interest I am not happy him to see or talk to my kids. I feel I am a bad mother if I let them meet. My solicitor said until he is not pleaded guilty, he can do whatever he wants..
My answer for this, in my eyes he is guilty, as I seen what was on his hard drive from underage children having sex with adults, and I only seen a few, because I was nearly vomiting by the disgust and shock who I was living with this long.. so why should I let him to see my kids, when all my bone in my body saying NO!!!

"So why don't you all sit down?
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles.."
I tell you a true story about my mother, what happened to her.
I did not wanted to talk about this, but I was asking her permission today when I called her up for some details I needed to know, and she said I can write about it, but it will be anonymous??
I told her the truth, it's for my blog and after a few second time she said:
"Yes, you can write about it, I should not be ashamed about it, I was only 7 years old... might someone learn from it." she said that while she was crying...
My mother was sexually abused by her father since she was 7 years old.. she told many times to her mom about her private part hurts and why, but my grandmother always told her to stop lying.
So her father kept abusing her until she got married when she was 19 years old. Then her father started sexually abusing her younger sister too who was 7 years old that time, but my mom after few years later one day was finally stood up for herself and her younger sister and my grandfather was arrested and he got a 10 years prison sentence.. but because of his behaving was good, they halved his time and he only spent  5 years in prison..
...
I never forget the time and that horrible cold quite sound when one day he turned up with a suitcase in his hand at my grandmother's house. We was there at that time and we kids didn't know who was that big man in the doorstep.. and since my mother never let us girls stay there alone in that house..
It's many more stories I could say what happened, but not now..I am so sad for my mom to hear her saying to me on the phone:
"Look my little girl, I am 66 years old now, and I am still having nightmares about what happened what my father did to me.. I am still feeling sick about it.. What I can tell you from my experience, not to let your kids be with someone who has that sort of interest. You are a mother for them, your job is to look after them, no matter what!! Do not do like what my mother did to me, she ruined my life with her ignorance..Everybody was scared of your grandfather, he was a judge, he always told me it's normal what he does, he just loves me like as he loves my mother.. but later when I started growing up he was started threatening me to kill us all if I say anything to anybody..he did shot a bullet from his gun once in the ceiling in 1964, luckily nobody was hurt.."
To hear my mom cry like a child how she was telling me the details when I asked her what exactly happened, I felt so sorry for her and I felt I am her mother for a minute...then she said what really hurts her, that man should be there for her to look after her, and save her from other "bad" people and not to do that stuff, what he did to her..

I had to tell you all this, because I told about what happened to my mom to the ex long time ago.
So he knew about it and he still had them photos on his hard drive, I feel like he back stabbed me.
What hurts me the most he was still looking at that kind of photos on the internet day by day..and that's the main reason I don't want him to do anything with my kids anymore.
The minute he decided to view that child porn, that minute he decided to lose his kids. Because I just can not get it, if someone have that kind of sick interest, what is in their mind????
Is it only me who think it's not a normal thing to do??
And I guess his solicitor knew about by now what his client got on his hard drive, so what an earth they can not just tell him, to get a grip in his life and if he love his kids really do not see them again. That is the best thing he can do.
I am not suggesting anything, I only told you about my fears and I only wrote down facts what happened with my mother.

"Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
The reason I have to write all this down in here, because I have a feeling he will walk away all happy like nothing happened. I feel like I have no help  from official people.. When the police man/woman listening to me what are my fears and my reason to not to let him to see my kids, they all understanding how I feel, but they saying he has rights too.. This is the time when I really want to ask them what would you do in my shoes?? Would you let your kids have even a second with that type of person???
I think I know the answer!

Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own"
"But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you wear? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet"
What would you do if you find yourself in my situation??
I really would like to hear your comments, it's so important to me. I feel alone to fight for my rights to be a good mother and just to be want the best for my kids and not disturb them any more.
They are both having a nightmare about their father will brake the front door in and hurt us.
They know how he is like when he is angry and losing his temper! They saw him many times like that.
The day we left him he had Gigi on his arm and he was going in the bedroom to get the mace pepper gun and wanted to use it on my sister and me, with his own kid in his arm... fortunately I was thinking beforehand and hid the gun in my bag. God knows what would happen if he managed to get hold of it, my daughter still talking about that moment how he was saying where is the gun..
I feel will disturb the kids even more if they see him, after all what happened.
My son knows nearly everything what is going on, he had to make a statement at the police station, because he was the witness when the ex hurt me over the years..

"Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone...
So are you calling me, are you trying to get through, oh?
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you?"
I am worried about my kids and my future. I just want the best for them, that why I was staying with their father that long to have a real complete family. I done everything to keep this family together, but I had enough..

I feel so alone and depressed in this last weeks, it's no words for it.
I feel, I am going back to my old self.. by closing my heart front of everyone and keep my thoughts and pain inside me again, how I did in this 15.5 years...

"And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put 'em on and wear 'em
And be yourself, man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful"
I try to be proud who I am even what happened with me in my life so far and try to deal with all this by my own.
You have no idea what I am going though in this months.. you really do not want to be in my shoes.

It does matter in life where and what family we are come from,  I feel I have to fight for my rights all the time to be happy in this world...

Thank you Marshall for your beautiful song to help me to write the story of this dark side of my life.

22 August 2011

I really don't know what I can say...

..so, here I am again after a few weeks of thinking time of what to do next...

The trouble is I haven't really made my final decision yet what I will do.. it's getting harder and harder how is the first divorce court hearing coming up on the middle of September.. the school start soon for my kids in a few days time, bills are coming in faster than I can earn money (the ex haven't give any money for the kids since I left him in April, he don't care what are we living on..I guess, this is one of his plan to make my life harder financially and he is hoping I will have to take him back for that!! ..He really don't know me, I rather not eat, but I would never have him back in my life after what he done with us. If you don't know what I am talking about, please read my earlier blog post: Not Affraid ), soon the ex will take my car away and I have no idea how I will do grocery shopping (we live far away from the town)... so I am feeling pretty depressed about everything..
I wanted to write many times, but I am too scared to do that really important, but so embarrassing blog post I am thinking to write for weeks now..
I want to do it, but I am scared to write it down, but I know until I done that, I will have no rest.
I tried to forget about it in the last 14 years, but I realized to not to talk about it, doesn't make me feel any better or make it like nothing happened years ago.. maybe on one of my sleepless night I will write it all down, when I will be brave enough to do it..
As so many of you know, I closed my shops down on the 10th of August with the intention of not opening them up again, as I am feeling so tired and it's too difficult to concentrate on my orders and I still can not create new designs and can't paint.. only writing can make me feel better.
I would like to say thank you for everybody who was purchasing my works from my stores in the last weeks and made it possible to take my kids on their first real holiday this summer. Without my customers, I couldn't done it.. thank you.
I took my kids to Venice/Italy for a one week vacation, I wish I could had afford to stay there longer, we had a fantastic time there just the three of us. It was so nice to show them such a beautiful places.
The kids loved Venice so much and I surprised them with a trip to the seaside too.
We have spent two days in Jesolo.
They never been in a nice warm seaside like that before. Gigi and Edward loved swimming in the sea and playing in the sand..

Gigi and Edward in Jesolo.


Gigi and me in Venice/Italy. I loved it there, it was so nice to spend some quality time with my kids.
I took so many photos of our holiday, it's so nice to edit them and thinking back on the lovely memories and see myself smiling a little bit on the photos.
To make myself feel better tonight, I was changing down my twitter avatar and background, and my other websites profile pictures.
 
I wish we can go away again very soon, because this is the only way I could survive all this horrible things happening around me and give me some energy to deal with things.
 
 
Gigi and Edward in Venice, they loved it!
It was a nice change for me too, to try getting away from the everyday chores and worries.. but I was still thinking lots of my future alone with my two kids, and still don't know what is next..
..what I know, I need to reopen my shops again to earn money, until I figure this "crap" out, what happened around me in the last months..

I am just hoping things will get better for me soon, because it's just so unbearable at the moment, I feel exhausted.. I really need some rest, but I know I can't have any yet, everything just starting soon, I am so scared what is next..

I need to focus what I need to do to make my kids life better, to start a new life the only three of us, but it's so hard to set a new life up until we are in this family house, where everywhere I look, memories coming back to me.. I hate it..

I just feel alone, so lonely in my heart.. it's hurt so much..
 I am suffering, but I have to be strong for my kids and smile for them, even I don't feel like it..

I took this photo to the way to Italy and was thinking of the saying: "There's always a light at the end of a tunnel.."
... unless it's night time in my case, because this is how I feel at the moment.. I still can not see the light...

20 July 2011

Not Afraid

I did not want to write about this just yet, to not to interfere with the Police investigation.
But today I feel like I was pushed into the corner and I have to write it down what is really going on around me.
I don't really know where should I begin..
First I want to explain why I am using Eminem song "Not Afraid" with my story.
I did not like Eminem at all, my son is a big fan and he started writing rap lyrics a few months ago.
But every time my son was mentioning Marshall's name, I was always seeing that singer with a mask on and a chainsaw in his hand.
One night I searched him up, because I was worried my son listening to his music most of the times and I found one of his old song and I did not like it how he was swearing in it.
But one day, on the 23rd of May my son was telling me to listen to a "Not Afraid" song and when I first listen to Marshall's lyrics, I felt so many similarities how I felt in the last months...
I so understand what he was or still going through, I would love to talk with him one day about it...

I will write under each song line when I can associate my feelings how Marshall felt when he wrote his song.
I am listening to his "Recovery" album on my iPod nearly every night when I am having my exercise on the cross-trainer while my kids asleep.
Marshall's words are comforting me, even how he swears, as I know from my own experience when everything is just too much and look so hopeless, I tend to swear too, because this is how I can express how helpless I feel...
So let's begin my story with the help of Marshall's words:

"I'm not afraid to take a stand"
I was waiting exactly 2 months now for the police to deal with my problem, but I have to tell people what is really going on. I can not keep it to myself anymore, I am a mother and my kids are the most important to me. I can not sleep, I can not create as I did before, that is one of the reason I decided to close down my shops very soon..this information is slowly ruining my life...

Two months ago I had to give the ex old broken down laptop hard drive for the police in Hungary (was my solicitor advice to check his hard drive out if he was cheating on me, as my son searched his YouTube user name up one evening and he found many sexual related comments on young girls videos), which was full with extreme/abnormal pornographic images and videos and so many of the photos was indecent images of children (child porn). The ex was viewing them day by day back in 2009... he was visiting this pedophile websites when he was staying and working in the UK. That laptop was broken down in the end of 2009 and he took the hard drive out and kept it in the UK and he bought the laptop back to Hungary to mend it, but my nephew could not mend it, as the hard drive wasn't in it. The ex only bought back the hard drive end of last year, but he told me not to sell it with the laptop, as it's needs to be destroyed, because of contains some videos and photos of me and him having sex...
Don't need to say, not many photos was on it from me.. but I found many naked photos of my younger sister and from one of my UK friend amongst hundreds of porn images and videos what he could not delete from the hard drive as the laptop was broken down. Just remember how he was always telling me how to delete data from the laptop hard drive to make sure nobody can recover it..never understood why was so important for him to say that or do it, but now I know why...

"Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm"
Since I decided to divorce him, I was walking from my older sister's flat to the court, police station, child welfare office, because I felt I need to walk off my stress...
This half an hour walks helped me think what is going on in my life.

"Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road"
I do feel so alone, even my older sister and her family helping me so much to talk about all this.
They are my biggest support, without them I could not leave the ex on that day on the 16th of April.
They were always there with me when something new happened, when I've learned something new about the ex.
But even that, I am still feeling lonely at night when the kids asleep and I can't, because my mind not letting me rest.

"Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one"
That's right.. I do believe everything is happening for a reason.
At the moment I still don't know what is the reson for all this, but hopefully I will find it out soon.

"Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there
You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me"
I do not care what people will say about me after reading this post.
I am doing this for me, I waited long enough for the police to sort something out, but I been told today by the Hungarian police, to have underage porn photos on someones hard drive and to view them is not "that serious offence" in Hungary...
The UK police was telling me today, to stop calling them because the Hungarian police is dealing with it and when I said what about his new laptop, they don't feel the urgency to check that one out if they already know that man have a pedophile interest??? He is in the UK, so what is stopping them to take him in to questioning him. He already blackmailed me a few weeks ago with some of my photos he took from me, he will put it up on his twitter page.

"I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he.."
The ex tried to change me to a person who I never wanted to be..
Now I am finally getting back to my old self, who I was.
While I lived with him I hated it when people took a photo of me, but now I am the one who takes lots of photos of myself, especially from my eyes.. I am proud again who I am, not scared to show my eyes anymore. I do believe eyes are the window to the soul.

"...You said you was king, you lied through your teeth"
I had enough with the ex lies.
I think he don't even remember when he lies and when he tells the truth anymore.

"...There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down"
Once I made my decision, it's no way back. I got too far now to back down.
I hope I will have the strength to finish this and get out of this by myself.

"But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out"
I am thinking all day and all night about all this why I never noticed anything, why I was thinking what that man was doing to me was normal? I am kicking myself to be that naive and stupid not to see who is he really...
"Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't"
I have no plans for my feature with my kids yet. That's why I want to close my shops soon, to focus what should I do next and to put my life back together again for my kids.

"This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!"
I thought to leave the ex was the hardest part for me, after all that what he done with me in this 15.5 years.
Since I put the divorce papers in the 6th of May 2011, I found out that horrible truth about him, I was living with a pedophile.. This makes me sick to think about every day and every night... what he was thinking after he was viewing them underage kids porn images??? Where did he got the website links from?? I don't think you can Google this kind of stuff in the internet.
He got a 14 years old son and a 6 years old daughter. What a fuck he had in his mind??? This man is a monster and as much I am concern I am divorced from him. I don't need to wait for a piece of paper, what some strangers will sign I am officially divorced. I finished with him in a day I decided to divorce him on the 12th of April 2011.
Every time something new I found out about the ex. I said: "This can not be any worst than that!" but always did, so I am not saying this anymore, I am so scared what else I will find out about him...
So..
"I'm not afraid to take a stand...

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now"
I had enough today with all that phone calls and waiting, it's everything happening too slow.
I have other worries, but I really can't write about that here, it's too personal for me...
I feel strong again to face him one day, he mean nothing to me anymore, he is a nobody in my eyes.
I trust the lowest person in the world more than I would ever trust him again.
I am sorting my life out since I realized it in April what he done with me, I am working on it every day to make it better for my kids.I wish I noticed things earlier, I feel like I wasted 15.5 years of my life, the only thing I will never regret is to have two children.


"It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead"
I cried so many times, days and nearly all night, every night...
It's so hard to get answers to my questions, to try to work it out in myself what was going on with me in this 15.5 years, how he made me not to see the real him...
I think he done it one by one, every day treated me bad, but every time he cried and said sorry, he said he can't stop himself to be nasty to people and I am just too good hearted and he slime his way back to me like a snake...
"No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle on it"
As I said, I am a mother and my kids the most important for me. I need to focus what I need to do next.
I want to do everything I can, to make my kids life happy and raise them to be a healthy adults.



"Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and"
 I am not afraid to take a stand...

Thank you Marshall to gave me the strenght with your words and feelings to help me through all this crap, and write this post.

PS: I wrote this post on the 18.07.2011., but I was thinking to publish it or not... 
now I did, I have nothing to hide...
I had so many restless nights since exactly two months now I know about what was the ex was up to and the only way I can move on if I bring it to everyone's attention.

Some people might think I should not done it, but it's my life and I needed to do it.
Take me as I am, I will not hide something what I was never been aware of and I want people to learn from my mistake, by not noticing what was the ex up to... who I was living with 15.5 years and gave my life to, gave two children for him and believed him...

...even if only one person will learn from this, it's worth it to write it all down.

19 July 2011

To Mary Sunshine

Dear Mary Sunshine,

I hope you will read this message, because your opinion is really important to me.

Thank you so much for your message on my post. I read it many, many times and I am so touched by your honesty and your kind understanding words.


Your comment mean a lots to me, you have no idea how much strength it gave me to know people out there with a similar problems what I have.

Not many people understand the pain I am going through in this last months, but you can not blame them, as only people would understand who was or still in the similar situation like us...

You said: "I'm really proud of you to be able to talk about this and share it with others who care for you or could be in a similar situation."
This few words give me a warm feeling in my heart, even you said, you are a stranger, but I really feel you care for me, to let me know how you feel.
I can not thank you enough for this message of yours.

 No, you are not a stranger to me now, as it's only a definition who we call strangers... you are touched my soul, even I don't know you in person and maybe I will never meet you, but even that I feel that you was caring for me in that few minutes while you was writing to me.

I know might sound strange, but I feel you was much closer to my heart with your one message, than living with the ex for 15.5 years..I know it's sound sad, but that is the truth.

I would like to ask a question and your answer is really important to me.

Would you write about something on your blog what really hurts you, made you so angry since you know about it the last two months and give you restless nights?? You feel, you can not deal with it alone anymore, even after two months, you still feel the same anger, you feel the same hopeless and helpless what will happen next.

I already wrote it down for myself last night/early this morning.
I thought to write it down will help me to feel better, but I still feel so strongly about it to publish it on my blog, to make other people aware of this things and I do not want to hide what I found out about the ex. two months ago.

Please tell me, would you write about it??

11 July 2011

I can not run away from my problems...

Where should I start? First maybe I should say, I am away with my kids from home for 4 days now, I wanted to stay away longer at my auntie's place, but I can't do it.. I realized I can not run away from my problems and I need to earn money again to pay my bills, so I made my decision early this morning while my little girl was vomiting at 3.30am (I think she was eating so many things yesterday and she got a tummy bug, but she is feeling better now), I will have to take them back home and try to sort things out in my life...

I did put my shops on vacation mode last week, and I still feel the same way, I will close them down once I sold nearly everything out of them. I will need to reopen my shops today and even I lost my passion to design and make my flowers and jewelry, I still need to keep doing it, as long I will found my way out of this emotional mess I am at the moment... and I need to earn money for to pay my bills and implants in the end of August.

I still feel so lost, I can't create anymore as I used to and this makes me feel upset, because creating was my life, but I hope one day I will be back to myself again, the same girl who I was before I got married.

At this moment my kids are the most important in my life, I try to do my best to give them everything what I can. I just wish I am over with this emotional stress soon, as I am still not over with the shock which was caused by the realisation of who I was living for this long.

I try not to feel sorry for myself and move on, but it is just so hard, as my heart is not with me anymore...

I would like to thank everybody who was helping me to raise money for my implants surgery last month. I am truly touched by the messages and comments I have received by closing down my shops.
Here is some of the messages I have received, which makes me feel I am not a waste of a time in this world, and I already made some people happy with my creations and touched their soul with my art...thank you!! :

"Hi Marianna,
I am sad to hear that you are closing your shop. You are a wonderful artist and I hope that someday you will be able to share your talents again. I wish you the very best - and hope that all goes well for you! Take good care of yourself! ~ Catherine"


"I'm going to miss your shop! I adore your items! If you ever start selling somewhere else please let me know. :) I get endless compliments on the earrings I bought from you last year. Thank you for the discount. I know as a shop owner how much that hurts after you work so hard to make things.  Mahalo, Danielle"

"Sad to see you go. Best wishes :) Your jewellery is beautiful and I will miss looking through it all but I understand.~Katy"

"Marianna, Sorry to hear that you are closing your shop. Your flowers are so beautiful and original. Hope all is well and good luck! ~Ashley "

"Sorry to read that you are closing.... I love your shop and wish you the best ~ Mariah"

"I've wanted one of these for a long time, so I guess I'd better buy it before you're closed. I wish you the best for the future. Charlotte"

"Thanks again so sorry you are shutting down. I will miss your work! Lynn"

"Hi Marianna... Thanks for your beautiful work... Laura"

"Your work looks beautiful. It's clear you put time and passion into each piece. Cannot wait to receive these works of art. ~ Courtney"

"Sorry to hear your closing your shop. These little bird rings are just adorable and I think everyone should have one. I wish you much success in your life and to maybe see you back on etsy in the future! I'll be keeping an eye out :) ~ Sarah"

"I am so sorry to see that you are closing your shop. I love the earrings that I purchased from you.
thanks-Carole"

"I'm very sorry to hear about you closing your shop.You are a wonderful artist.
I wish you the very best in your journey! ~ Fotini"




04 July 2011

It's been a long time..

It's been a long time I was writing here, but so many things happened with me and I just did not felt to write anything here.. I think the main reason is I still feel so lost..

If you are following me on Twitter most of you know it by now I am divorcing after 15 years marriage.
It's all started a few months ago when I realised I lived with a wrong person who never deserved me, I thought I married my love, but now  I realised that was just an illusion, I never loved him, I cared for him and only felt sorry for him right from the beginning of our relation..

I felt sick for over a year now, nearly every night I had stress attacks, couldn't breathe, and I didn't know what was cause of it.. I know it now, my heart couldn't take any more pain and sorrow and was showing me I have to stop what I am doing..

The realisation hit me between end of March and beginning of April not long before our upcoming 15th wedding anniversary, I was writing a 100 facts about me on twitter and I slowly realised I am unhappy and sad in my marriage and later when I was finally told my older sister everything what happening in my marriage, I found out what my ex done with me was wrong, should not happen in a marriage and a day later I found out from a domestic violence helpline link, what my good friend sent me, he done nearly everything with me what was describing domestic violence over this 15.5 years since I know him..

that made me sick and I cried for days and didn't know what I will do when he is back from the UK in 2 days time.. once I knew who I was living with I was so scared of him and didn't wanted to live with him one more day, I didn't wanted to give him one more day of my life..

The time come to pick him up from the airport and while I was driving there with my little girl, I was listening to Il Divo CD in our car..I got that disc a few years ago for Christmas, but never really listen to it, maybe the ex put it in last time he was home..

so I was listening to their songs and the 8th track was playing in the car, and I was listening to it's lyrics of "The Man you love" and I bursted out crying and I cried the whole way to the airport listening to that one song over and over again.. it was so hard to stop crying before I've pulled up at the entrance and after the ex was asking what is wrong I said, I got a migraine and I told him to sit in the back next to my daughter, hoping he will not notice I have changed.. but he was watching me in the rear mirror nearly all way through while I was driving.. was a horrible feeling for me and I still didn't know how and when I can tell him I want to divorce him...

Then we arrived home after one hour drive and it's all come out after dinner after he was mentioning our wedding anniversary in after tomorrow.. then he started a huge argument again and he was threaten me to hit me again and then I turned around and told him "You will never ever touch me again!!"

then after he watched something on the tv with the kids after he went to bed with my daughter and after Gigi fallen asleep next to him I gone in the bedroom and I told him I want a divorce..
he was all calm and said he wanted to divorce me years ago.. what was surprising me, I think that was just one of his game again to know if I have anybody in my life.. I felt sorry for him again and made me cry and I was thinking maybe I should stay with him, I felt sorry for him again, what he will do without us..
I hardly had any sleep, I was so scared what he will do to me if I fall asleep (my son had the same worry as me, what his father will do to me during the night) and what happens tomorrow and the next day he was angry and shouted with me again and called me bad names, how much a bitch I am, to take his kids away from him, but my son said: "I want to stay with my mom, yes mom is right you are the bad one dad!" My son saw nearly everything over this years, only a few things he haven't witnessed and that was when the ex raped me a few times.. I tried to forget all this, but I can't everything is coming back to me again...

So after a huge argument I left with my kids with my older sister's help and stayed with her and family in her flat for 4 days, until the ex left Hungary, because of the police restraining order, which I had to do, I can not live that long at my sister's place without clean clothes with two kids, because the ex hoping I will feel sorry for him again and will continue our life how it was before.. but since I know what he done with me, I never ever want to see him again.. I already put the divorce papers in and waiting for the court hearings which will start in September.

So, the reason I am writing all this down, for you to understand what I am going through in this last months and to help me to get over my feelings and find myself again, to be a girl who I was...

Listening to this Il Divo's song this morning I wanted you to know, I am listening this one song over and over again every time I am driving our car, when I am going to the police station, to see the solicitor, going to the court, the child welfare office, the council office the psychologist to the hospital for having a surgery... that one song give me a strength to keep doing what I am doing... hoping one day a man will love me the way as it's said in that song...but deep in my heart I know the answer... this will never happen, that unconditional love not exist...

25 April 2011

Easter Sunday

Edward and Gigi are so excited about the Easter Egg hunt.

Who do you think will find the most chocolate eggs?
First they was looking in the lounge...

Edward picked his little sister up to get the eggs from the top of the glass cabinet.

It was hard to find the eggs in the always messy study :)

Look what Jessie found one egg too on the chair in the kitchen :)

Edward is just too fast to take a photo of, while Gigi looking around her kitchen.

Jessie really enjoyed her first Easter in our family. Since Gigi got her in February, she takes her everywhere and call her little sister. So I have three kids now :)

Gigi found the most eggs.

My little monkey :)

Edward love Easter so much!

Gigi has found more under the table mats.

Same as Edward.

Our breakfast. Kids are eating chocolate balls cereal and me corn flakes with sugar...yes, I know I shouldn't put sugar on it.
Edward said it's looks like we are having rabbit droppings and bird food :)

Jessie having strawberry tart and milk.

Before lunch we was painting some eggs.

Only painted six eggs.

Gigi helping me to put the eggs in the glass bowl.

Since I was a child, my mum always made this Easter dish. It's sliced smoked/cooked ham, sausages and boiled eggs. We are have it with horseradish sauce and brioche.

This Easter food my kids favorite too.

xo

10 April 2011

Mothers day

Last Sunday was Mother's day.
Gigi and Edward gave me their surprise in the morning what they have made a night before.

Gigi's little card, handmade by her. I love how she always put little hearts on top of her name.

She wrapped up some of her little stuff as a present for me in a tissue paper...now I know where is all that Kleenex gone.

Poor little darling, she had a cold.

Edward made me this card with a reflecting paper inside like a mirror.
I am so happy to have such a kids like them to make a day special for me.

I don't need to say, I was in tears...
xo