20 July 2011

Not Afraid

I did not want to write about this just yet, to not to interfere with the Police investigation.
But today I feel like I was pushed into the corner and I have to write it down what is really going on around me.
I don't really know where should I begin..
First I want to explain why I am using Eminem song "Not Afraid" with my story.
I did not like Eminem at all, my son is a big fan and he started writing rap lyrics a few months ago.
But every time my son was mentioning Marshall's name, I was always seeing that singer with a mask on and a chainsaw in his hand.
One night I searched him up, because I was worried my son listening to his music most of the times and I found one of his old song and I did not like it how he was swearing in it.
But one day, on the 23rd of May my son was telling me to listen to a "Not Afraid" song and when I first listen to Marshall's lyrics, I felt so many similarities how I felt in the last months...
I so understand what he was or still going through, I would love to talk with him one day about it...

I will write under each song line when I can associate my feelings how Marshall felt when he wrote his song.
I am listening to his "Recovery" album on my iPod nearly every night when I am having my exercise on the cross-trainer while my kids asleep.
Marshall's words are comforting me, even how he swears, as I know from my own experience when everything is just too much and look so hopeless, I tend to swear too, because this is how I can express how helpless I feel...
So let's begin my story with the help of Marshall's words:

"I'm not afraid to take a stand"
I was waiting exactly 2 months now for the police to deal with my problem, but I have to tell people what is really going on. I can not keep it to myself anymore, I am a mother and my kids are the most important to me. I can not sleep, I can not create as I did before, that is one of the reason I decided to close down my shops very soon..this information is slowly ruining my life...

Two months ago I had to give the ex old broken down laptop hard drive for the police in Hungary (was my solicitor advice to check his hard drive out if he was cheating on me, as my son searched his YouTube user name up one evening and he found many sexual related comments on young girls videos), which was full with extreme/abnormal pornographic images and videos and so many of the photos was indecent images of children (child porn). The ex was viewing them day by day back in 2009... he was visiting this pedophile websites when he was staying and working in the UK. That laptop was broken down in the end of 2009 and he took the hard drive out and kept it in the UK and he bought the laptop back to Hungary to mend it, but my nephew could not mend it, as the hard drive wasn't in it. The ex only bought back the hard drive end of last year, but he told me not to sell it with the laptop, as it's needs to be destroyed, because of contains some videos and photos of me and him having sex...
Don't need to say, not many photos was on it from me.. but I found many naked photos of my younger sister and from one of my UK friend amongst hundreds of porn images and videos what he could not delete from the hard drive as the laptop was broken down. Just remember how he was always telling me how to delete data from the laptop hard drive to make sure nobody can recover it..never understood why was so important for him to say that or do it, but now I know why...

"Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm"
Since I decided to divorce him, I was walking from my older sister's flat to the court, police station, child welfare office, because I felt I need to walk off my stress...
This half an hour walks helped me think what is going on in my life.

"Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road"
I do feel so alone, even my older sister and her family helping me so much to talk about all this.
They are my biggest support, without them I could not leave the ex on that day on the 16th of April.
They were always there with me when something new happened, when I've learned something new about the ex.
But even that, I am still feeling lonely at night when the kids asleep and I can't, because my mind not letting me rest.

"Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one"
That's right.. I do believe everything is happening for a reason.
At the moment I still don't know what is the reson for all this, but hopefully I will find it out soon.

"Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there
You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me"
I do not care what people will say about me after reading this post.
I am doing this for me, I waited long enough for the police to sort something out, but I been told today by the Hungarian police, to have underage porn photos on someones hard drive and to view them is not "that serious offence" in Hungary...
The UK police was telling me today, to stop calling them because the Hungarian police is dealing with it and when I said what about his new laptop, they don't feel the urgency to check that one out if they already know that man have a pedophile interest??? He is in the UK, so what is stopping them to take him in to questioning him. He already blackmailed me a few weeks ago with some of my photos he took from me, he will put it up on his twitter page.

"I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he.."
The ex tried to change me to a person who I never wanted to be..
Now I am finally getting back to my old self, who I was.
While I lived with him I hated it when people took a photo of me, but now I am the one who takes lots of photos of myself, especially from my eyes.. I am proud again who I am, not scared to show my eyes anymore. I do believe eyes are the window to the soul.

"...You said you was king, you lied through your teeth"
I had enough with the ex lies.
I think he don't even remember when he lies and when he tells the truth anymore.

"...There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down"
Once I made my decision, it's no way back. I got too far now to back down.
I hope I will have the strength to finish this and get out of this by myself.

"But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out"
I am thinking all day and all night about all this why I never noticed anything, why I was thinking what that man was doing to me was normal? I am kicking myself to be that naive and stupid not to see who is he really...
"Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't"
I have no plans for my feature with my kids yet. That's why I want to close my shops soon, to focus what should I do next and to put my life back together again for my kids.

"This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!"
I thought to leave the ex was the hardest part for me, after all that what he done with me in this 15.5 years.
Since I put the divorce papers in the 6th of May 2011, I found out that horrible truth about him, I was living with a pedophile.. This makes me sick to think about every day and every night... what he was thinking after he was viewing them underage kids porn images??? Where did he got the website links from?? I don't think you can Google this kind of stuff in the internet.
He got a 14 years old son and a 6 years old daughter. What a fuck he had in his mind??? This man is a monster and as much I am concern I am divorced from him. I don't need to wait for a piece of paper, what some strangers will sign I am officially divorced. I finished with him in a day I decided to divorce him on the 12th of April 2011.
Every time something new I found out about the ex. I said: "This can not be any worst than that!" but always did, so I am not saying this anymore, I am so scared what else I will find out about him...
"I'm not afraid to take a stand...

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now"
I had enough today with all that phone calls and waiting, it's everything happening too slow.
I have other worries, but I really can't write about that here, it's too personal for me...
I feel strong again to face him one day, he mean nothing to me anymore, he is a nobody in my eyes.
I trust the lowest person in the world more than I would ever trust him again.
I am sorting my life out since I realized it in April what he done with me, I am working on it every day to make it better for my kids.I wish I noticed things earlier, I feel like I wasted 15.5 years of my life, the only thing I will never regret is to have two children.

"It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead"
I cried so many times, days and nearly all night, every night...
It's so hard to get answers to my questions, to try to work it out in myself what was going on with me in this 15.5 years, how he made me not to see the real him...
I think he done it one by one, every day treated me bad, but every time he cried and said sorry, he said he can't stop himself to be nasty to people and I am just too good hearted and he slime his way back to me like a snake...
"No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle on it"
As I said, I am a mother and my kids the most important for me. I need to focus what I need to do next.
I want to do everything I can, to make my kids life happy and raise them to be a healthy adults.

"Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and"
 I am not afraid to take a stand...

Thank you Marshall to gave me the strenght with your words and feelings to help me through all this crap, and write this post.

PS: I wrote this post on the 18.07.2011., but I was thinking to publish it or not... 
now I did, I have nothing to hide...
I had so many restless nights since exactly two months now I know about what was the ex was up to and the only way I can move on if I bring it to everyone's attention.

Some people might think I should not done it, but it's my life and I needed to do it.
Take me as I am, I will not hide something what I was never been aware of and I want people to learn from my mistake, by not noticing what was the ex up to... who I was living with 15.5 years and gave my life to, gave two children for him and believed him...

...even if only one person will learn from this, it's worth it to write it all down.

19 July 2011

To Mary Sunshine

Dear Mary Sunshine,

I hope you will read this message, because your opinion is really important to me.

Thank you so much for your message on my post. I read it many, many times and I am so touched by your honesty and your kind understanding words.

Your comment mean a lots to me, you have no idea how much strength it gave me to know people out there with a similar problems what I have.

Not many people understand the pain I am going through in this last months, but you can not blame them, as only people would understand who was or still in the similar situation like us...

You said: "I'm really proud of you to be able to talk about this and share it with others who care for you or could be in a similar situation."
This few words give me a warm feeling in my heart, even you said, you are a stranger, but I really feel you care for me, to let me know how you feel.
I can not thank you enough for this message of yours.

 No, you are not a stranger to me now, as it's only a definition who we call strangers... you are touched my soul, even I don't know you in person and maybe I will never meet you, but even that I feel that you was caring for me in that few minutes while you was writing to me.

I know might sound strange, but I feel you was much closer to my heart with your one message, than living with the ex for 15.5 years..I know it's sound sad, but that is the truth.

I would like to ask a question and your answer is really important to me.

Would you write about something on your blog what really hurts you, made you so angry since you know about it the last two months and give you restless nights?? You feel, you can not deal with it alone anymore, even after two months, you still feel the same anger, you feel the same hopeless and helpless what will happen next.

I already wrote it down for myself last night/early this morning.
I thought to write it down will help me to feel better, but I still feel so strongly about it to publish it on my blog, to make other people aware of this things and I do not want to hide what I found out about the ex. two months ago.

Please tell me, would you write about it??

11 July 2011

I can not run away from my problems...

Where should I start? First maybe I should say, I am away with my kids from home for 4 days now, I wanted to stay away longer at my auntie's place, but I can't do it.. I realized I can not run away from my problems and I need to earn money again to pay my bills, so I made my decision early this morning while my little girl was vomiting at 3.30am (I think she was eating so many things yesterday and she got a tummy bug, but she is feeling better now), I will have to take them back home and try to sort things out in my life...

I did put my shops on vacation mode last week, and I still feel the same way, I will close them down once I sold nearly everything out of them. I will need to reopen my shops today and even I lost my passion to design and make my flowers and jewelry, I still need to keep doing it, as long I will found my way out of this emotional mess I am at the moment... and I need to earn money for to pay my bills and implants in the end of August.

I still feel so lost, I can't create anymore as I used to and this makes me feel upset, because creating was my life, but I hope one day I will be back to myself again, the same girl who I was before I got married.

At this moment my kids are the most important in my life, I try to do my best to give them everything what I can. I just wish I am over with this emotional stress soon, as I am still not over with the shock which was caused by the realisation of who I was living for this long.

I try not to feel sorry for myself and move on, but it is just so hard, as my heart is not with me anymore...

I would like to thank everybody who was helping me to raise money for my implants surgery last month. I am truly touched by the messages and comments I have received by closing down my shops.
Here is some of the messages I have received, which makes me feel I am not a waste of a time in this world, and I already made some people happy with my creations and touched their soul with my art...thank you!! :

"Hi Marianna,
I am sad to hear that you are closing your shop. You are a wonderful artist and I hope that someday you will be able to share your talents again. I wish you the very best - and hope that all goes well for you! Take good care of yourself! ~ Catherine"

"I'm going to miss your shop! I adore your items! If you ever start selling somewhere else please let me know. :) I get endless compliments on the earrings I bought from you last year. Thank you for the discount. I know as a shop owner how much that hurts after you work so hard to make things.  Mahalo, Danielle"

"Sad to see you go. Best wishes :) Your jewellery is beautiful and I will miss looking through it all but I understand.~Katy"

"Marianna, Sorry to hear that you are closing your shop. Your flowers are so beautiful and original. Hope all is well and good luck! ~Ashley "

"Sorry to read that you are closing.... I love your shop and wish you the best ~ Mariah"

"I've wanted one of these for a long time, so I guess I'd better buy it before you're closed. I wish you the best for the future. Charlotte"

"Thanks again so sorry you are shutting down. I will miss your work! Lynn"

"Hi Marianna... Thanks for your beautiful work... Laura"

"Your work looks beautiful. It's clear you put time and passion into each piece. Cannot wait to receive these works of art. ~ Courtney"

"Sorry to hear your closing your shop. These little bird rings are just adorable and I think everyone should have one. I wish you much success in your life and to maybe see you back on etsy in the future! I'll be keeping an eye out :) ~ Sarah"

"I am so sorry to see that you are closing your shop. I love the earrings that I purchased from you.

"I'm very sorry to hear about you closing your shop.You are a wonderful artist.
I wish you the very best in your journey! ~ Fotini"

04 July 2011

It's been a long time..

It's been a long time I was writing here, but so many things happened with me and I just did not felt to write anything here.. I think the main reason is I still feel so lost..

If you are following me on Twitter most of you know it by now I am divorcing after 15 years marriage.
It's all started a few months ago when I realised I lived with a wrong person who never deserved me, I thought I married my love, but now  I realised that was just an illusion, I never loved him, I cared for him and only felt sorry for him right from the beginning of our relation..

I felt sick for over a year now, nearly every night I had stress attacks, couldn't breathe, and I didn't know what was cause of it.. I know it now, my heart couldn't take any more pain and sorrow and was showing me I have to stop what I am doing..

The realisation hit me between end of March and beginning of April not long before our upcoming 15th wedding anniversary, I was writing a 100 facts about me on twitter and I slowly realised I am unhappy and sad in my marriage and later when I was finally told my older sister everything what happening in my marriage, I found out what my ex done with me was wrong, should not happen in a marriage and a day later I found out from a domestic violence helpline link, what my good friend sent me, he done nearly everything with me what was describing domestic violence over this 15.5 years since I know him..

that made me sick and I cried for days and didn't know what I will do when he is back from the UK in 2 days time.. once I knew who I was living with I was so scared of him and didn't wanted to live with him one more day, I didn't wanted to give him one more day of my life..

The time come to pick him up from the airport and while I was driving there with my little girl, I was listening to Il Divo CD in our car..I got that disc a few years ago for Christmas, but never really listen to it, maybe the ex put it in last time he was home..

so I was listening to their songs and the 8th track was playing in the car, and I was listening to it's lyrics of "The Man you love" and I bursted out crying and I cried the whole way to the airport listening to that one song over and over again.. it was so hard to stop crying before I've pulled up at the entrance and after the ex was asking what is wrong I said, I got a migraine and I told him to sit in the back next to my daughter, hoping he will not notice I have changed.. but he was watching me in the rear mirror nearly all way through while I was driving.. was a horrible feeling for me and I still didn't know how and when I can tell him I want to divorce him...

Then we arrived home after one hour drive and it's all come out after dinner after he was mentioning our wedding anniversary in after tomorrow.. then he started a huge argument again and he was threaten me to hit me again and then I turned around and told him "You will never ever touch me again!!"

then after he watched something on the tv with the kids after he went to bed with my daughter and after Gigi fallen asleep next to him I gone in the bedroom and I told him I want a divorce..
he was all calm and said he wanted to divorce me years ago.. what was surprising me, I think that was just one of his game again to know if I have anybody in my life.. I felt sorry for him again and made me cry and I was thinking maybe I should stay with him, I felt sorry for him again, what he will do without us..
I hardly had any sleep, I was so scared what he will do to me if I fall asleep (my son had the same worry as me, what his father will do to me during the night) and what happens tomorrow and the next day he was angry and shouted with me again and called me bad names, how much a bitch I am, to take his kids away from him, but my son said: "I want to stay with my mom, yes mom is right you are the bad one dad!" My son saw nearly everything over this years, only a few things he haven't witnessed and that was when the ex raped me a few times.. I tried to forget all this, but I can't everything is coming back to me again...

So after a huge argument I left with my kids with my older sister's help and stayed with her and family in her flat for 4 days, until the ex left Hungary, because of the police restraining order, which I had to do, I can not live that long at my sister's place without clean clothes with two kids, because the ex hoping I will feel sorry for him again and will continue our life how it was before.. but since I know what he done with me, I never ever want to see him again.. I already put the divorce papers in and waiting for the court hearings which will start in September.

So, the reason I am writing all this down, for you to understand what I am going through in this last months and to help me to get over my feelings and find myself again, to be a girl who I was...

Listening to this Il Divo's song this morning I wanted you to know, I am listening this one song over and over again every time I am driving our car, when I am going to the police station, to see the solicitor, going to the court, the child welfare office, the council office the psychologist to the hospital for having a surgery... that one song give me a strength to keep doing what I am doing... hoping one day a man will love me the way as it's said in that song...but deep in my heart I know the answer... this will never happen, that unconditional love not exist...