It's been a long time..

It's been a long time I was writing here, but so many things happened with me and I just did not felt to write anything here.. I think the main reason is I still feel so lost..

If you are following me on Twitter most of you know it by now I am divorcing after 15 years marriage.

It's all started a few months ago when I realised I lived with a wrong person who never deserved me, I thought I married my love, but now  I realised that was just an illusion, I never loved him, I cared for him and only felt sorry for him right from the beginning of our relation..

I felt sick for over a year now, nearly every night I had stress attacks, couldn't breathe, and I didn't know what was cause of it.. I know it now, my heart couldn't take any more pain and sorrow and was showing me I have to stop what I am doing..

The realisation hit me between end of March and beginning of April not long before our upcoming 15th wedding anniversary, I was writing a 100 facts about me on twitter and I slowly realised I am unhappy and sad in my marriage and later when I was finally told my older sister everything what happening in my marriage, I found out what my ex done with me was wrong, should not happen in a marriage and a day later I found out from a domestic violence helpline link, what my good friend sent me, he done nearly everything with me what was describing domestic violence over this 15.5 years since I know him..

that made me sick and I cried for days and didn't know what I will do when he is back from the UK in 2 days time.. once I knew who I was living with I was so scared of him and didn't wanted to live with him one more day, I didn't wanted to give him one more day of my life..

The time come to pick him up from the airport and while I was driving there with my little girl, I was listening to Il Divo CD in our car..I got that disc a few years ago for Christmas, but never really listen to it, maybe the ex put it in last time he was home..

so I was listening to their songs and the 8th track was playing in the car, and I was listening to it's lyrics of "The Man you love" and I bursted out crying and I cried the whole way to the airport listening to that one song over and over again.. it was so hard to stop crying before I've pulled up at the entrance and after the ex was asking what is wrong I said, I got a migraine and I told him to sit in the back next to my daughter, hoping he will not notice I have changed.. but he was watching me in the rear mirror nearly all way through while I was driving.. was a horrible feeling for me and I still didn't know how and when I can tell him I want to divorce him...

Then we arrived home after one hour drive and it's all come out after dinner after he was mentioning our wedding anniversary in after tomorrow.. then he started a huge argument again and he was threaten me to hit me again and then I turned around and told him "You will never ever touch me again!!"

then after he watched something on the tv with the kids after he went to bed with my daughter and after Gigi fallen asleep next to him I gone in the bedroom and I told him I want a divorce..

he was all calm and said he wanted to divorce me years ago.. what was surprising me, I think that was just one of his game again to know if I have anybody in my life.. I felt sorry for him again and made me cry and I was thinking maybe I should stay with him, I felt sorry for him again, what he will do without us..

I hardly had any sleep, I was so scared what he will do to me if I fall asleep (my son had the same worry as me, what his father will do to me during the night) and what happens tomorrow and the next day he was angry and shouted with me again and called me bad names, how much a bitch I am, to take his kids away from him, but my son said: "I want to stay with my mom, yes mom is right you are the bad one dad!" My son saw nearly everything over this years, only a few things he haven't witnessed and that was when the ex raped me a few times.. I tried to forget all this, but I can't everything is coming back to me again...

So after a huge argument I left with my kids with my older sister's help and stayed with her and family in her flat for 4 days, until the ex left Hungary, because of the police restraining order, which I had to do, I can not live that long at my sister's place without clean clothes with two kids, because the ex hoping I will feel sorry for him again and will continue our life how it was before.. but since I know what he done with me, I never ever want to see him again.. I already put the divorce papers in and waiting for the court hearings which will start in September.

So, the reason I am writing all this down, for you to understand what I am going through in this last months and to help me to get over my feelings and find myself again, to be a girl who I was...

Listening to this Il Divo's song this morning I wanted you to know, I am listening this one song over and over again every time I am driving our car, when I am going to the police station, to see the solicitor, going to the court, the child welfare office, the council office the psychologist to the hospital for having a surgery... that one song give me a strength to keep doing what I am doing... hoping one day a man will love me the way as it's said in that song...but deep in my heart I know the answer... this will never happen, that unconditional love not exist...