It's all started...

so...the second divorce hearing is today afternoon at 1pm, please think of me.

I wanted to write down some of my thoughts before the court hearing, because I know today afternoon will be another start of my life...I feel it...and I am not meaning a good way.

It's so hard to write again, but I have to do it, because writing in public is the only way, I can deal with the ex and the situation he caused.

I need to write about this in public, because I had to keep everything in myself for the past 15.5 years, as he never let me to talk to anyone (not even to my family) about what is going on behind closed doors. How he was hurting me mentally and physically, and how he was manipulating me since we met. He made me believe, that every women was hurt by their husband, and to come from a family where I was witnessing domestic violence nearly every day. That made me believe him, it's sort of normal what he was doing to me...he ruined me forever.

I feel so sick now, since I found out it's not normal to be hurt by someone. I feel so stupid and naive.

 I just wish I had somebody I could have talked about things like that before...about life and relationships...but I never had a real friend in all my life, who I could have shared my feelings and my fears with... until a few months ago, when I realised what is going on around me and that person presence woke me up from this horrible nightmare...that person gave me back the NEED of my self respect.

The ex still tries to manipulate me and emotionally blackmailing me and my kids, but I try to fight against it...it's really hard to do it alone, but I have to be strong for my kids sake. And this is the reason I need to keep writing things down in here, so everyone can see what is going on with me, and maybe someone might learn from my mistakes.

The other reason to write this post is, to let people know, I couldn't put together as much money as I wanted in my earlier post, so I took my kids to a two week holiday at Christmas and New Year. I took them in Paris for a few days, then we went to Spain to help us relax a little and try to forget about all that bad things what was happening with us in the last months.

Edward and Gigi enjoyed their holiday so much, that was their Christmas present, instead of gadgets and toys. I wanted to give them good life experience what they will always remember, what nobody can take away from them. I took them to new places to discover and I wanted to give them dreams what they can achieve one day when they will grow up.

But the ex already threatened me yesterday in one of his email, he wants to put an order on the kids today and I can not take them anywhere again...he was always treating my kids and me like we are his possessions.
The things is, he knew I will take the kids on holiday this Christmas, as I told him (even it's very hard for me to talk to him, but I need to do it for my kids) and he said it's a good idea and he called up on the day we left Hungary and he was wishing them a great time. But I always forget he is a mentally ill, he is a psychopath (I have realised this a few weeks ago, that would explain his strange behaviour) and he changes his mind so quick how it's suit him the best in that moment.

He still wants to manipulate us and make us to do what he wants, even if it's bad for the kids. But I will try to save my kids from any more pain, he could cause them, because I know now, what sort of person he is.

Today will be a very hard day for me, I really don't know what to expect from it. Will be interesting to see, how the whole process will go, as the ex will be there too this time. Seems to me, most of the people who are involved in this divorce, forget or ignore what sort of things he has on his old laptop hard drive. I do believe when two young children involved in a divorce in the situation like mine, should be considered to dealt with much quicker and do not let to wait when something bad things could happen...but I will find out this very soon.

I know already, the divorce procedure will take so long. I wish I have the money to pay him off to leave us alone.

Please think of me, I know I will be going through hell again, to speak about what he did to me in all these years, and tear up bad memories, but I guess I have to do it, to help me to say it out of myself what I tried to forget, but obviously I can not forget them, as they are hurting me as much still, when they happened.

PS: I wrote this post early this morning, and as I said it's all started...
Yesterday the ex arrived to Hungary from the UK, for the court hearing. He called me up several times in the evening, and was asking me if he can stay in the house overnight. Obviously I said no, because I am scared of him so much now, I don't really know anymore what he is capable of, since he knows I know things about him, who is he really. I agreed to let him to see the kids in the morning front of the school at 7.55am.
I couldn't sleep again all night, as I was worried he will try to come in the house. I feel exhausted now.
He called me up in the morning at 7am, he is front of our house with his rented car and he wanted to take us to school. I told him, I will take the kids to school, and was asking him, why is he thinks I will sit in the same car with him. I was asking him again to leave front of the house, as he is blocking the way for me to drive out with our car from the garage, and we can meet front of the school before 8am, as we agreed last night on the phone. Then he lost his temper again, and started shouting at me and swearing, why he can't park front of the house in the driveway... So I was waited he will drive away, but he just stayed there, so I had to call the Police to advice me what should I do, because I am scared to go out with the kids to the car, because the ex is angry again. The Police said they will come out and they told me to don't go outside alone until they arrive. By 7.40am the ex drove away, so I called up the Police they don't need to come out, he is gone. The time I put the phone down, the Police arrived, so I told them what happened and they was asking me if I want them to follow me to the school. I agreed with it, because my son said, he is worried now.
We arrived to the school and the ex gave the kids some presents again and when he saw the Police car turned up, he gone angry with me again and called all names front of the kids. I took the kids in the school, as I didn't wanted any more argument front of the school, and we was late by then too.
The time I came out from the school, the ex parked his rental car next to mine, in a way I hardly could open my door. I sit in the car quick and locked the doors straight away, as I felt unsafe, even the Police was near by. The ex jumped out of his car and started to force open the car door on me, and was hitting the window, tried to break it in, and he was nearly kicked the car door side in, but he stopped himself, as he likes the car...and he was shouting to me several times he will kill me. The Police was there in a few seconds time next to us, and I opened my door and got out of the car. I was in such a shock and was shaking so badly, I was really scared.
The Police man told me to leave the ex with them and just drive away, they will stay with him.
I am still shaking how I am writing all this down, but I have to do it, to let you know what was going on this morning before the court hearing. I was really scared to come back home alone, but I had to wrap some of my orders to ship them today to my customers, as I reopened my Etsy shop again for a few weeks, to earn some money. I am so worried about my kids now, hopefully they are safe in the school, but I need to leave now to see my lawyer this morning.
Please think of me.

I need your help...

If you are reading my blog, you know what sort of things I have gone through in the past years and to deal with it now in the past few months, it's slowly ruined me..

I never wanted to write this post, but I have to do it..I though I can sort my financial problems out alone, but I realised I just can not do it myself, as how depressed I feel, I had to close my shops down..I can not design anymore and can not work, as my hands are shaking so much, I can't paint, I can't singe my flowers or sew them...

I already put my house up for sale on eBay and one Hungarian Estate Agent site
(Update: I can not afford to relist the house at the moment on eBay, if you are interested, please contact me.)
 It will take time to sell it, but I need to do things now, to make me feel better...this can not wait any longer, I feel it.



I only have my paintings shop open at the moment on etsy and I decided to sell everything there on a much less price to raise money to make my dreams to became a reality..
I need $6,800.00 (Update on the 08.12.2011.: I only need $4,300.00 as I sold some of my works already) to make a first step to start a new life with my kids and to give me some strength to get out of this horrible mess I found myself in a few months ago.
To help me to recover and start designing and painting again...
I can not keep going any longer like how I feel in the last weeks. I need a change, that's why I need to raise that much money.

If you are interesting to buy any of my paintings or photograph prints, I can sell them for you on a price you are willing to pay, obviously in a reasonable amount. I've already adjusted the price on all the paintings for you, to receive a  50% discount, but I can give you further price reduction if you wish.


All of my paintings and photograph prints are available for this special offer, except: "The Mysterious Moon" what is for sale only on that price what is in my shop.

If you are interested to purchase any of my paintings or photograph prints in my etsy shop, please send me an email: marica.art@btopenworld.com and I can list them for you on the agreed price on etsy or on eBay.

I feel so embarrassed to write this post, but I am pretty desperate to put this money together before Christmas...I really need your help, even if you are not interested, but know someone who might.
Please can you forward my blog link to them or tweet it...thank you.

PS: Please read the comments under this post to see who I had to live with.
The ex still keep bullying me here and write nasty comments hiding behind the word "anonymous".
I just searched up the word "psychopathic" on Google, because I couldn't spell it correctly and to make sure that is the right description for the ex behaviour. And I was very surprised by the fact, everything what is describe Psychopath, he have it all...which scares me only to find out now..
I always thought is something wrong with him mentally, because of his weird behaviour, but never thought to look it up, maybe because I was try to keep my family together, no matter what he was doing to me and my kids and other people...

I copied and pasted his and my comments for you to see it:
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"Anonymous said...
Your life story is interesting, but your paitings are crap
25 November 2011 13:12 "
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"MGMart said...
To "Anonymous"
You sound exactly like my ex.
He was using the exact words about my work to knock me down to the ground, to feel I am worthless, after he realised hitting and raping me not break me down...
Is that you Carl????? Next time you are writing nasty comments on my blog, have that much in you to write your name down and show other people who you are really, stop hiding behind the word "Anonymous"
25 November 2011 13:46 "
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 "Anonymous said...
Sorry my dear, I am not your ex. Not sure if you really had an ex!!!
You would be lucky if I was your ex, bcos I would have killed myself of ever being with people like you. You just can't bare the truth, can you? Have you really ever sold even one of your paintings?
26 November 2011 01:26 "
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" MGMart said...
To "Anonymous"
I say it one more.
Carl leave me alone, stop bullying me over the internet, wasn't enough for you to hurt me while I was married to you??
Don't give me the "old lady" talk: "sorry my dear"...then write like a man..Carl I am not stupid, I know exactly it's you I can prove it, I lived with you for 15.5 years I know your sad games too well...
I know you was setting up a fake etsy account: (http://www.etsy.com/people/helskina and you was pretend it to be Sabina) to place a large order and you haven’t paid for it, just to mess me up even more financially, and I know you set up another two fake account on twitter to stalk me and check on me what I write.
First you have set up this account, but I blocked you, because your abusive tweets to me and to my twitter followers:
https://twitter.com/#!/anytimesoonerer
Then you set up this one with the same name as your fake etsy account: https://twitter.com/#!/helskina but I worked it out that is you again so I blocked that account again..
then you set up this other fake twitter account https://twitter.com/#!/threemice666 but I blocked that one too, because I hate creepy psychopathic person like you, I just searched it up on Google and here is the link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathywhat describes you exactly how you behave, just read it myself and every part of this description, just like you. Which scares me who I was living with all this years and if I would have known, you are having this mental disorder, I would NOT fallen asleep in the same room where you was sleeping and would NOT let my kids with you alone for a second...so it's not enough I just found out on the 20th of May you are having a paedophile interest, but you are having a mental disorder too..SCARY!!!

So leave us alone, that is the least you can do.
You should be locked up and not walk around freely on the streets and work in people’s houses.
26 November 2011 13:53 "
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"Anonymous said...

My name is Daniel Nickleson, working for Strand Gallery in London. I'm constantly looking for new talented artist. Trust me, your paintings are no way near being arts.
You are certainlmakey having issues with your ex, and that's not my interest at all. This is my last reply to you as I don't have time to waist, but I need to make it clear that I'm not hiding myself, it is just easy to leave a comment under anonymous category.
All of the best.
26 November 2011 23:24"
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'MGMart said...

To "Anonymous"
I've called up yesterday the Strand Gallery in London, and I was spoken with Kate, who is managing the gallery and she don't know anyone who works there, as only her and another lady work for the gallery.
So you made this one up again Carl.
I am asking you the last time, to stop playing your dirty games on me, I know 100% it's you, I have my ways to know it's you.
I only called the gallery up to let them know some weirdo writing nasty comments under their names.
I am telling you again, stop writing on my blog.
You should read carefully that Wikipedia link, and you will see "lying and manipulation", they are one of the characteristics in the mental disorder you have.
I don't think you will ever get it, as you are sick and I will ask the court in the next divorce hearing in January 2012, to do a test on you, as I will not let you near my kids anymore.
29 November 2011 10:38"
. . .

No Love ... my 1st audio post



Finally today I decided to publish this blog post, which is (I think) the most important to me..

I wanted to do it a very long time ago, but every time I sat down to write it, I backed out of it.

Maybe because I was scared to see written down some of the things what was hurting me the most.

Even now I can not write about it still, that is why I had to record it... I hope you will understand what I want to say, I am sorry my English is not as good.

Since I am not tweeting and not writing on my Facebook account and here, I was alone and I had a time to think and I realised so many things what and why things was happening in my life.

To listen to my audio clips, please click on the highlighted words: "Introduction", "Part 1"..etc 

Sorry if I was making many mistakes when I was talking, but I was saying things how I felt in that moment.
I didn't write down what I wanted to say, so that's why I sound too slow sometimes, because I was thinking and said things out loud of myself, what I never shared with anyone before and I was incredibly nervous talking like that and show the real me..what is in my heart and in my soul...
Someone was asking me what is the noise in the background, the iPod microphone is so sensitive, it picks up the noise how the headset wire was moving on my t-shirt how I breath or talk.

I just hope you will listen to it all my 14 audio clips, I know it will takes a long time, but would be nice if you do...thank you

Introduction:

"Throw dirt on me and grow a wildflower

But it's fuck the world, get a child out her

Yeah, my life a bitch, but you know nothing 'bout her

Been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers..."

Part 1

"...I think about more than I forget

But I don't go around fire expecting not to sweat..."

Part 2

"I'm high as a bitch, up, up and away, man, I come down in a couple of days

Ok, you want me up in the cage then I'll come out in beast-mode

I got this world stuck in the safe, combination is the G-code"

Part 3

"...So you can keep knocking but won't knock me down

No love lost, no love found"

Part 4

In part 4, I said 2005, instead of 1995. I was incredibly nervous to talk and I made a mistake.

"It's a little too late to say that you're sorry now

You kicked me when I was down, fuck what you say, just

Don't hurt me, it don't hurt me, no more"

Part 5

"Bitch, you get no love

You showed me nothing but hate, you ran me into the ground

But what comes around goes around

And you don't hurt me"

Part 6

"You don't hurt me, no more

Bitch, you get no love, no love, no love, no love
Bitch, you get no love, no love, no love
And I don't need you no more

Get 'em"

Part 7

"I'm alive again, more alive than I have been in my whole entire life"

Part 8

"I can see these people's ears perk up as I begin"

Part 9

"To spaz with the pen, I'm a little bit sicker than most, shit's fixin' to get thick again"

Part 10

"I ain't never giving in again, caution to the wind, complete freedom..."

Part 11

"It's an adrenaline rush to feel the bass thump in the place all the way to the parking lot..."

Part 12

"And you can never break my stride, you never slow the momentum at any moment I'm about to blow

You'll never take my pride, killing the flow, slow venom and the opponent

Is getting no mercy, mark my words ain't letting up, relentless, I smell blood

I don't give a fuck, keep giving them hell, where was you when I fell and needed help up?"

Part 13

You get no love
It's a little too late to say that you're sorry now

You kicked me when I was down, fuck what you say, just

Don't hurt me, it don't hurt me, no more

Bitch, you get no love

You showed me nothing but hate, you ran me into the ground

And you don't hurt me

You don't hurt me, no more

Bitch, you get no love, no love, no love, no love

Bitch, you get no love, no love, no love

And I don't need you no more

Bitch, you get no love

So I got to this part...

...to the things what I never really wanted to do, but how the time pass by in this dark part of my life I need to do things what I truly never wanted to do.

I announced on my Etsy shop already, I am closing down my main shop for good this time and how I feel now, I don't think I will ever reopen it again.

It's makes me so sad, but I tried everything to keep up my Etsy shops, but I lost my passion to create, maybe God don't want me to create anymore...I really don't know..anyway this is how I feel now.

I waited long enough to get back to my work to design, but I totally lost my passion.

I already closed my supply and wedding shops down on Etsy and I will close my main shop on the 10th of November 2011.

I am not sure about my Etsy painting shop yet, I think I will keep that open for a while.

I had the first divorce court hearing on the 22nd of September and the ex promised front of the solicitors two weeks before the court hearing when we had a meeting, to pay me out to move out from my house with the kids and he will keep the house, car..etc. He promised he will pay the child support backdated to April 2011 what he owe for the kids.

But as always he lied again and changed his mind the next day.

So the situation is, he do not care about the kids anymore, he wrote it down for me and his son a few days ago.
He want money from me and he is not willing to pay the child support (he only transferred 400.00GBP in September to my bank account since April, but I think he only done that one of his weak moment, I bet he already regret it).

He still blackmailing me with all kind of things and blaming me for divorcing him, he just can not get it in his sick brain I had enough how he was hurting me physically and verbally since we got married, and since I found out five months ago he have a pedophile interest (please read my earlier blog post Not Affraid) and he cheated on me since we got married, I have nothing to do with that person anymore.

So, I have to sell the house to make money to help me start a new life with my kids.

I put up my house on auction on Ebay and on one Hungarian Estate Agency website for sale.

The house price is really low at the moment in Hungary, so it will be a bargain for someone.

It's hurts me to sell it, but I have no other option to cut all the ties with the ex and make it possible for start fresh with my two kids.

It was so hard to write that much today, because I am feeling so depressed about everything, but I am hoping to sell my house will ease all the pain what I was living in for 15.5 years.

To sell the house will close down a very sad part of my life and start new and be me again...

PS: I just wanted to say thank you for everyone who wrote to me a private email (marica.art@btopenworld.com) and on my Etsy shops. Sorry, but at the moment I don't feel to write back to anyone. I will later on, when I feel a little better.
I am sorry, I am not ignoring anyone, I just feel so down to write in the last months.
Please this don't stop you to write to me, because your messages give me strength to keep going...
Thank you!

Beautiful...

..this song is playing in my mind for weeks now. I have to write again tonight, because today my day was worst than usual and the information I got today, just unacceptable and I really would like to hear your opinion what do you think of all this... is it only me who think this way, or am I wrong??

I am getting so confused by every day how the times pass by, I am waiting things will get better for my kids and me, but seems to be just getting worst..
Like in my other post in Not Afraid I will write under each song line when I can associate my feelings how Marshall felt when he wrote this song.
 
If you are in here for the first time, I would recommend to read my earlier post Not Afraid first to understand what is going on with me in this last months.


"Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own

Everybody has a private world where they can be alone"

I have been too long on my own with my thoughts, in my private world while I was living with the ex.

Every time he hurt me physically or verbally, I was hiding deep inside this world of mine.. to keep my soul away from him.. because my soul was the only one I had for myself that time..

Some years was harder than the rest, looking at my paintings my hardest part was living with him was in around 2000. That time I was painting the most.. painting give me an escape from reality, like a "drug". When the pain was just so unbearable I started to paint at night and didn't gone to bed until I finished it. That was the only way I managed to stay strong in my soul and keep going.. sadly I only realized it all now a few months ago. As I said before, I had stress attacks nearly every night over a year and they was getting stronger and stronger..my body was telling my brain something was wrong and to make change.

"Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through

Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?"
One day I read someones tweet on my timeline and made me look who she was writing it to, and I started reading his tweets and when I read one of his long message to people, I felt strange the similarity of our thinking and what words he was using, like I was reading my own writing.. but that is another story I might tell you that one day.. it's just got too complicated in my mind.. made me confused, but helped me going through every day with my problems, how I found out more and more horrible things about the ex.

"I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump

If I could just get over this hump

But I need something to pull me out this dump,

I took my bruises, took my lumps

Fell down and I got right back up

But I need that spark to get psyched back up

In order for me to pick the mic back up"
I am so depressed, seems like I can not get out of this slump. Every day I try to think positive, try to work things out in my head, how I can save my kids from any more pain. But just feels like things are getting worst for me. All that money problems I am facing now, I am working so hard to get my bills paid, buy the school books. Tomorrow we are going shopping a school bag for Gigi, because she will start the school after tomorrow, Edward need a new shoes, my teeth implant need to be paid to be finished..etc the list is going on.
Every day I try to get over on things, but every day something else bad thing happens and I really don't know anymore how I can get more strength to keep going on.
I know if I would not took my kids on a week holiday to Italy, I might be better of financially, but we all needed a break and I am not regretting I took them there. It's gave me some energy and to see my kids faces light up and see them smile when they saw the beautiful seaside at the first time and to see them going in to the sea and spend nearly the whole afternoon there.. that memories you can not buy!!
I am so proud of myself I done it for them all alone, from the money from all my hard work, was worth the sleepless nights and busy days. Thank you again for buying my works.

"I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in

I'm starting to feel distant again

So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent"
I don't know how or when I ended up in this position I am in.
I am thinking of this all the time why I never noticed anything earlier??? I am looking at my old photos and my eyes look like I am not there, like I have something front of my eyes.. like I was blind.
I think he tried to make me a person with his aggressive, negative and nasty behaviour who I never wanted to be, and that's why my eyes was looking strange and distant... the real me was sitting inside me deep down...
Writing is the only thing what make me feel better at the moment and tell people how I feel deep inside my soul.

"But I just can't admit

Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap

I need a new outlet, I know some shit's so hard to swallow

And I just can't sit back and wallow

In my own sorrow

But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow

I'll be one tough act to follow"
How times gone by and we moved here to Hungary five years ago and I started my business three years ago.
Setting up my own shops on Etsy and work on them to make them successful, that creative work replaced the painting in my life. I was so passionate about to design and create my flowers and jewelry and earn money with it for helping paying the bills.
More I was hurt by the ex verbally, (because in Hungary he did not needed to hit me much, I knew my place by now, when I have to be out of his way or say nothing) more I was working on my shops and escape from reality by it and earn money in the same time.
But now since I realized what was wrong and I have decided to divorce, I lost my passion to design and create. I can not concentrate to do my shops anymore, my hands are shaking when I want to sew or singe the petals, that's why I want to close my shops down very soon.
I wish I can close them down today, but I can not afford to do it, I need to earn money someway to look after my kids.
I got my dreams what I want to do, but I don't know how I will achieve it, I feel weak and tired from all the pain and shock since I found out things what was going on behind my back by the ex..
One thing I know, if I go through it all, I will be stronger than ever, but I wish I have someone who can help me, I feel so lonely in my heart...

"Here today, gone tomorrow

But you have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see

What it's like, to be me

I'll be you, let's trade shoes

Just to see what it'd be like to

Feel your pain, you feel mine

Go inside each other's mind

Just to see what we find

Look at shit through each other's eyes"
To write all this down how I feel, people might can understand what I am going through in this months. It's not "only" a divorce anymore, it's more like to get away from a monster who tried to ruin my kids and my life with his sick brain. He knew was something wrong with him, how many times he was holding his head and cried and said to me is something wrong with his mind..he even promised me to go to see the doctor when he gone back to the UK in April.. so he knew what he was doing, but maybe that one was one of his acting again, I have no idea anymore.

"But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, oh

They can all get fucked.

Just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful

Oh, they can all get fucked.

Just stay true to you"
I try to stay true to myself, as my friend said in April after I made my decision to divorce and I left the ex..
This words keep me going when I am really down and sad:
"it will feel good because you were true to your heart"

"I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor

Everything is so tense and gloom.."

I am crying still lost of times when my kids can't see me. But today was just too much for me and I was crying nearly all day. I was that upset to be pushed around by the ex still by his solicitor.
He still giving me orders what he want. He want to see my kids when the first court hearing and I am not happy about it all since I know what he was up to on his computer.
When I decided to divorce him in April, the reason was I realized what he done to me all this years and it is not normal to hurt someone and I had enough from the pain he caused me.
But I though even that, I don't want my kids not to have a dad, and I told him can we just be still talk after the divorce for the kids sake and keep the house for them, to not make them suffer anymore by moving to a flat somewhere in the town.
And when I was speaking with my solicitor today, he was telling me all the things what carl wants: sell the house, he take our car away, he will pay child support for the kids.. which is "quite nice" from him, as his previous relation, he haven't paid any child support after his first son. He always told me he don't care about "that" boy at all! That's why he never told my kids he have a son somewhere in the UK.
I do not care about this house at all, I wish I can move away from here in any minute. I only feel sorry for my kids they have to suffer and lose everything they loved, their toys, their comfort just because their father behaving and since three months I knew about his pedophile interest I am not happy him to see or talk to my kids. I feel I am a bad mother if I let them meet. My solicitor said until he is not pleaded guilty, he can do whatever he wants..
My answer for this, in my eyes he is guilty, as I seen what was on his hard drive from underage children having sex with adults, and I only seen a few, because I was nearly vomiting by the disgust and shock who I was living with this long.. so why should I let him to see my kids, when all my bone in my body saying NO!!!

"So why don't you all sit down?

Listen to the tale I'm about to tell

Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes

And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles.."
I tell you a true story about my mother, what happened to her.
I did not wanted to talk about this, but I was asking her permission today when I called her up for some details I needed to know, and she said I can write about it, but it will be anonymous??
I told her the truth, it's for my blog and after a few second time she said:
"Yes, you can write about it, I should not be ashamed about it, I was only 7 years old... might someone learn from it." she said that while she was crying...
My mother was sexually abused by her father since she was 7 years old.. she told many times to her mom about her private part hurts and why, but my grandmother always told her to stop lying.
So her father kept abusing her until she got married when she was 19 years old. Then her father started sexually abusing her younger sister too who was 7 years old that time, but my mom after few years later one day was finally stood up for herself and her younger sister and my grandfather was arrested and he got a 10 years prison sentence.. but because of his behaving was good, they halved his time and he only spent  5 years in prison..
...
I never forget the time and that horrible cold quite sound when one day he turned up with a suitcase in his hand at my grandmother's house. We was there at that time and we kids didn't know who was that big man in the doorstep.. and since my mother never let us girls stay there alone in that house..
It's many more stories I could say what happened, but not now..I am so sad for my mom to hear her saying to me on the phone:
"Look my little girl, I am 66 years old now, and I am still having nightmares about what happened what my father did to me.. I am still feeling sick about it.. What I can tell you from my experience, not to let your kids be with someone who has that sort of interest. You are a mother for them, your job is to look after them, no matter what!! Do not do like what my mother did to me, she ruined my life with her ignorance..Everybody was scared of your grandfather, he was a judge, he always told me it's normal what he does, he just loves me like as he loves my mother.. but later when I started growing up he was started threatening me to kill us all if I say anything to anybody..he did shot a bullet from his gun once in the ceiling in 1964, luckily nobody was hurt.."
To hear my mom cry like a child how she was telling me the details when I asked her what exactly happened, I felt so sorry for her and I felt I am her mother for a minute...then she said what really hurts her, that man should be there for her to look after her, and save her from other "bad" people and not to do that stuff, what he did to her..

I had to tell you all this, because I told about what happened to my mom to the ex long time ago.
So he knew about it and he still had them photos on his hard drive, I feel like he back stabbed me.
What hurts me the most he was still looking at that kind of photos on the internet day by day..and that's the main reason I don't want him to do anything with my kids anymore.
The minute he decided to view that child porn, that minute he decided to lose his kids. Because I just can not get it, if someone have that kind of sick interest, what is in their mind????
Is it only me who think it's not a normal thing to do??
And I guess his solicitor knew about by now what his client got on his hard drive, so what an earth they can not just tell him, to get a grip in his life and if he love his kids really do not see them again. That is the best thing he can do.
I am not suggesting anything, I only told you about my fears and I only wrote down facts what happened with my mother.

"Nobody asked for life to deal us

With these bullshit hands we're dealt

We have to take these cards ourselves

And flip them, don't expect no help
The reason I have to write all this down in here, because I have a feeling he will walk away all happy like nothing happened. I feel like I have no help  from official people.. When the police man/woman listening to me what are my fears and my reason to not to let him to see my kids, they all understanding how I feel, but they saying he has rights too.. This is the time when I really want to ask them what would you do in my shoes?? Would you let your kids have even a second with that type of person???
I think I know the answer!

Now I could have either just

Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned

Or take this situation in which I'm placed in

And get up and get my own"

"But I already told you my whole life story

Not just based on my description

'cause where you see it from where you're sitting

Is probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile

In each other's shoes, at least

What size you wear? I wear tens

Let's see if you can fit your feet"
What would you do if you find yourself in my situation??
I really would like to hear your comments, it's so important to me. I feel alone to fight for my rights to be a good mother and just to be want the best for my kids and not disturb them any more.
They are both having a nightmare about their father will brake the front door in and hurt us.
They know how he is like when he is angry and losing his temper! They saw him many times like that.
The day we left him he had Gigi on his arm and he was going in the bedroom to get the mace pepper gun and wanted to use it on my sister and me, with his own kid in his arm... fortunately I was thinking beforehand and hid the gun in my bag. God knows what would happen if he managed to get hold of it, my daughter still talking about that moment how he was saying where is the gun..
I feel will disturb the kids even more if they see him, after all what happened.
My son knows nearly everything what is going on, he had to make a statement at the police station, because he was the witness when the ex hurt me over the years..

"Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own

Everybody has a private world where they can be alone...

So are you calling me, are you trying to get through, oh?

Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you?"
I am worried about my kids and my future. I just want the best for them, that why I was staying with their father that long to have a real complete family. I done everything to keep this family together, but I had enough..

I feel so alone and depressed in this last weeks, it's no words for it.
I feel, I am going back to my old self.. by closing my heart front of everyone and keep my thoughts and pain inside me again, how I did in this 15.5 years...

"And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes

That fit you, so put 'em on and wear 'em

And be yourself, man, be proud of who you are

Even if it sounds corny,

Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful"
I try to be proud who I am even what happened with me in my life so far and try to deal with all this by my own.
You have no idea what I am going though in this months.. you really do not want to be in my shoes.

It does matter in life where and what family we are come from,  I feel I have to fight for my rights all the time to be happy in this world...

Thank you Marshall for your beautiful song to help me to write the story of this dark side of my life.

I really don't know what I can say...

..so, here I am again after a few weeks of thinking time of what to do next...

The trouble is I haven't really made my final decision yet what I will do.. it's getting harder and harder how is the first divorce court hearing coming up on the middle of September.. the school start soon for my kids in a few days time, bills are coming in faster than I can earn money (the ex haven't give any money for the kids since I left him in April, he don't care what are we living on..I guess, this is one of his plan to make my life harder financially and he is hoping I will have to take him back for that!! ..He really don't know me, I rather not eat, but I would never have him back in my life after what he done with us. If you don't know what I am talking about, please read my earlier blog post: Not Affraid ), soon the ex will take my car away and I have no idea how I will do grocery shopping (we live far away from the town)... so I am feeling pretty depressed about everything..
I wanted to write many times, but I am too scared to do that really important, but so embarrassing blog post I am thinking to write for weeks now..
I want to do it, but I am scared to write it down, but I know until I done that, I will have no rest.
I tried to forget about it in the last 14 years, but I realized to not to talk about it, doesn't make me feel any better or make it like nothing happened years ago.. maybe on one of my sleepless night I will write it all down, when I will be brave enough to do it..

As so many of you know, I closed my shops down on the 10th of August with the intention of not opening them up again, as I am feeling so tired and it's too difficult to concentrate on my orders and I still can not create new designs and can't paint.. only writing can make me feel better.

I would like to say thank you for everybody who was purchasing my works from my stores in the last weeks and made it possible to take my kids on their first real holiday this summer. Without my customers, I couldn't done it.. thank you.

I took my kids to Venice/Italy for a one week vacation, I wish I could had afford to stay there longer, we had a fantastic time there just the three of us. It was so nice to show them such a beautiful places.
The kids loved Venice so much and I surprised them with a trip to the seaside too.
We have spent two days in Jesolo.

They never been in a nice warm seaside like that before. Gigi and Edward loved swimming in the sea and playing in the sand..

Gigi and Edward in Jesolo.

Gigi and me in Venice/Italy. I loved it there, it was so nice to spend some quality time with my kids.

I took so many photos of our holiday, it's so nice to edit them and thinking back on the lovely memories and see myself smiling a little bit on the photos.

To make myself feel better tonight, I was changing down my twitter avatar and background, and my other websites profile pictures.

 

I wish we can go away again very soon, because this is the only way I could survive all this horrible things happening around me and give me some energy to deal with things.

 

 

Gigi and Edward in Venice, they loved it!

It was a nice change for me too, to try getting away from the everyday chores and worries.. but I was still thinking lots of my future alone with my two kids, and still don't know what is next..

..what I know, I need to reopen my shops again to earn money, until I figure this "crap" out, what happened around me in the last months..

I am just hoping things will get better for me soon, because it's just so unbearable at the moment, I feel exhausted.. I really need some rest, but I know I can't have any yet, everything just starting soon, I am so scared what is next..

I need to focus what I need to do to make my kids life better, to start a new life the only three of us, but it's so hard to set a new life up until we are in this family house, where everywhere I look, memories coming back to me.. I hate it..

I just feel alone, so lonely in my heart.. it's hurt so much..

 I am suffering, but I have to be strong for my kids and smile for them, even I don't feel like it..

I took this photo to the way to Italy and was thinking of the saying: "There's always a light at the end of a tunnel.."

... unless it's night time in my case, because this is how I feel at the moment.. I still can not see the light...

Not Afraid

I did not want to write about this just yet, to not to interfere with the Police investigation.

But today I feel like I was pushed into the corner and I have to write it down what is really going on around me.

I don't really know where should I begin..

First I want to explain why I am using Eminem song "Not Afraid" with my story.
I did not like Eminem at all, my son is a big fan and he started writing rap lyrics a few months ago.
But every time my son was mentioning Marshall's name, I was always seeing that singer with a mask on and a chainsaw in his hand.
One night I searched him up, because I was worried my son listening to his music most of the times and I found one of his old song and I did not like it how he was swearing in it.

But one day, on the 23rd of May my son was telling me to listen to a "Not Afraid" song and when I first listen to Marshall's lyrics, I felt so many similarities how I felt in the last months...
I so understand what he was or still going through, I would love to talk with him one day about it...

I will write under each song line when I can associate my feelings how Marshall felt when he wrote his song.

I am listening to his "Recovery" album on my iPod nearly every night when I am having my exercise on the cross-trainer while my kids asleep.

Marshall's words are comforting me, even how he swears, as I know from my own experience when everything is just too much and look so hopeless, I tend to swear too, because this is how I can express how helpless I feel...

So let's begin my story with the help of Marshall's words:

"I'm not afraid to take a stand"

I was waiting exactly 2 months now for the police to deal with my problem, but I have to tell people what is really going on. I can not keep it to myself anymore, I am a mother and my kids are the most important to me. I can not sleep, I can not create as I did before, that is one of the reason I decided to close down my shops very soon..this information is slowly ruining my life...

Two months ago I had to give the ex old broken down laptop hard drive for the police in Hungary (was my solicitor advice to check his hard drive out if he was cheating on me, as my son searched his YouTube user name up one evening and he found many sexual related comments on young girls videos), which was full with extreme/abnormal pornographic images and videos and so many of the photos was indecent images of children (child porn). The ex was viewing them day by day back in 2009... he was visiting this pedophile websites when he was staying and working in the UK. That laptop was broken down in the end of 2009 and he took the hard drive out and kept it in the UK and he bought the laptop back to Hungary to mend it, but my nephew could not mend it, as the hard drive wasn't in it. The ex only bought back the hard drive end of last year, but he told me not to sell it with the laptop, as it's needs to be destroyed, because of contains some videos and photos of me and him having sex...
Don't need to say, not many photos was on it from me.. but I found many naked photos of my younger sister and from one of my UK friend amongst hundreds of porn images and videos what he could not delete from the hard drive as the laptop was broken down. Just remember how he was always telling me how to delete data from the laptop hard drive to make sure nobody can recover it..never understood why was so important for him to say that or do it, but now I know why...

"Everybody come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm"
Since I decided to divorce him, I was walking from my older sister's flat to the court, police station, child welfare office, because I felt I need to walk off my stress...
This half an hour walks helped me think what is going on in my life.

"Just let you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road"
I do feel so alone, even my older sister and her family helping me so much to talk about all this.
They are my biggest support, without them I could not leave the ex on that day on the 16th of April.
They were always there with me when something new happened, when I've learned something new about the ex.
But even that, I am still feeling lonely at night when the kids asleep and I can't, because my mind not letting me rest.

"Yeah, It's been a ride...

I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one"
That's right.. I do believe everything is happening for a reason.
At the moment I still don't know what is the reson for all this, but hopefully I will find it out soon.

"Now some of you might still be in that place

If you're trying to get out, just follow me

I'll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em

Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem

When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn

What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world

Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me"

I do not care what people will say about me after reading this post.
I am doing this for me, I waited long enough for the police to sort something out, but I been told today by the Hungarian police, to have underage porn photos on someones hard drive and to view them is not "that serious offence" in Hungary...
The UK police was telling me today, to stop calling them because the Hungarian police is dealing with it and when I said what about his new laptop, they don't feel the urgency to check that one out if they already know that man have a pedophile interest??? He is in the UK, so what is stopping them to take him in to questioning him. He already blackmailed me a few weeks ago with some of my photos he took from me, he will put it up on his twitter page.

"I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly

And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony

No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he.."

The ex tried to change me to a person who I never wanted to be..
Now I am finally getting back to my old self, who I was.
While I lived with him I hated it when people took a photo of me, but now I am the one who takes lots of photos of myself, especially from my eyes.. I am proud again who I am, not scared to show my eyes anymore. I do believe eyes are the window to the soul.

"...You said you was king, you lied through your teeth"

I had enough with the ex lies.
I think he don't even remember when he lies and when he tells the truth anymore.

"...There's a game called circle and I don't know how

I'm way too up to back down"
Once I made my decision, it's no way back. I got too far now to back down.
I hope I will have the strength to finish this and get out of this by myself.

"But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out"
I am thinking all day and all night about all this why I never noticed anything, why I was thinking what that man was doing to me was normal? I am kicking myself to be that naive and stupid not to see who is he really...

"Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't"
I have no plans for my feature with my kids yet. That's why I want to close my shops soon, to focus what should I do next and to put my life back together again for my kids.

"This fucking black cloud still follow's me around

But it's time to exercise these demons

These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!"
I thought to leave the ex was the hardest part for me, after all that what he done with me in this 15.5 years.
Since I put the divorce papers in the 6th of May 2011, I found out that horrible truth about him, I was living with a pedophile.. This makes me sick to think about every day and every night... what he was thinking after he was viewing them underage kids porn images??? Where did he got the website links from?? I don't think you can Google this kind of stuff in the internet.
He got a 14 years old son and a 6 years old daughter. What a fuck he had in his mind??? This man is a monster and as much I am concern I am divorced from him. I don't need to wait for a piece of paper, what some strangers will sign I am officially divorced. I finished with him in a day I decided to divorce him on the 12th of April 2011.
Every time something new I found out about the ex. I said: "This can not be any worst than that!" but always did, so I am not saying this anymore, I am so scared what else I will find out about him...

So..

"I'm not afraid to take a stand...

And I just can't keep living this way

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage

I'm standing up, Imma face my demons

I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up

Time to put my life back together right now"
I had enough today with all that phone calls and waiting, it's everything happening too slow.
I have other worries, but I really can't write about that here, it's too personal for me...
I feel strong again to face him one day, he mean nothing to me anymore, he is a nobody in my eyes.
I trust the lowest person in the world more than I would ever trust him again.
I am sorting my life out since I realized it in April what he done with me, I am working on it every day to make it better for my kids.I wish I noticed things earlier, I feel like I wasted 15.5 years of my life, the only thing I will never regret is to have two children.


"It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me

Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you

So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through

And don't even realise what you did, believe me you

I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger

I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of

My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead"
I cried so many times, days and nearly all night, every night...
It's so hard to get answers to my questions, to try to work it out in myself what was going on with me in this 15.5 years, how he made me not to see the real him...
I think he done it one by one, every day treated me bad, but every time he cried and said sorry, he said he can't stop himself to be nasty to people and I am just too good hearted and he slime his way back to me like a snake...

"No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise

To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father

So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it

You couldn't lift a single shingle on it"
As I said, I am a mother and my kids the most important for me. I need to focus what I need to do next.
I want to do everything I can, to make my kids life happy and raise them to be a healthy adults.

"Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club

Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up

Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon

But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and"

 I am not afraid to take a stand...

Thank you Marshall to gave me the strenght with your words and feelings to help me through all this crap, and write this post.



PS: I wrote this post on the 18.07.2011., but I was thinking to publish it or not... 

now I did, I have nothing to hide...

I had so many restless nights since exactly two months now I know about what was the ex was up to and the only way I can move on if I bring it to everyone's attention.

Some people might think I should not done it, but it's my life and I needed to do it.

Take me as I am, I will not hide something what I was never been aware of and I want people to learn from my mistake, by not noticing what was the ex up to... who I was living with 15.5 years and gave my life to, gave two children for him and believed him...

...even if only one person will learn from this, it's worth it to write it all down.