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12 January 2012

It's all started...

so...the second divorce hearing is today afternoon at 1pm, please think of me.
I wanted to write down some of my thoughts before the court hearing, because I know today afternoon will be another start of my life...I feel it...and I am not meaning a good way.
It's so hard to write again, but I have to do it, because writing in public is the only way, I can deal with the ex and the situation he caused.
I need to write about this in public, because I had to keep everything in myself for the past 15.5 years, as he never let me to talk to anyone (not even to my family) about what is going on behind closed doors. How he was hurting me mentally and physically, and how he was manipulating me since we met. He made me believe, that every women was hurt by their husband, and to come from a family where I was witnessing domestic violence nearly every day. That made me believe him, it's sort of normal what he was doing to me...he ruined me forever.
I feel so sick now, since I found out it's not normal to be hurt by someone. I feel so stupid and naive.
 I just wish I had somebody I could have talked about things like that before...about life and relationships...but I never had a real friend in all my life, who I could have shared my feelings and my fears with... until a few months ago, when I realised what is going on around me and that person presence woke me up from this horrible nightmare...that person gave me back the NEED of my self respect.

The ex still tries to manipulate me and emotionally blackmailing me and my kids, but I try to fight against it...it's really hard to do it alone, but I have to be strong for my kids sake. And this is the reason I need to keep writing things down in here, so everyone can see what is going on with me, and maybe someone might learn from my mistakes.
The other reason to write this post is, to let people know, I couldn't put together as much money as I wanted in my earlier post, so I took my kids to a two week holiday at Christmas and New Year. I took them in Paris for a few days, then we went to Spain to help us relax a little and try to forget about all that bad things what was happening with us in the last months.
Edward and Gigi enjoyed their holiday so much, that was their Christmas present, instead of gadgets and toys. I wanted to give them good life experience what they will always remember, what nobody can take away from them. I took them to new places to discover and I wanted to give them dreams what they can achieve one day when they will grow up.
But the ex already threatened me yesterday in one of his email, he wants to put an order on the kids today and I can not take them anywhere again...he was always treating my kids and me like we are his possessions.
The things is, he knew I will take the kids on holiday this Christmas, as I told him (even it's very hard for me to talk to him, but I need to do it for my kids) and he said it's a good idea and he called up on the day we left Hungary and he was wishing them a great time. But I always forget he is a mentally ill, he is a psychopath (I have realised this a few weeks ago, that would explain his strange behaviour) and he changes his mind so quick how it's suit him the best in that moment.
He still wants to manipulate us and make us to do what he wants, even if it's bad for the kids. But I will try to save my kids from any more pain, he could cause them, because I know now, what sort of person he is.
Today will be a very hard day for me, I really don't know what to expect from it. Will be interesting to see, how the whole process will go, as the ex will be there too this time. Seems to me, most of the people who are involved in this divorce, forget or ignore what sort of things he has on his old laptop hard drive. I do believe when two young children involved in a divorce in the situation like mine, should be considered to dealt with much quicker and do not let to wait when something bad things could happen...but I will find out this very soon.
I know already, the divorce procedure will take so long. I wish I have the money to pay him off to leave us alone.
Please think of me, I know I will be going through hell again, to speak about what he did to me in all these years, and tear up bad memories, but I guess I have to do it, to help me to say it out of myself what I tried to forget, but obviously I can not forget them, as they are hurting me as much still, when they happened.


PS: I wrote this post early this morning, and as I said it's all started...
Yesterday the ex arrived to Hungary from the UK, for the court hearing. He called me up several times in the evening, and was asking me if he can stay in the house overnight. Obviously I said no, because I am scared of him so much now, I don't really know anymore what he is capable of, since he knows I know things about him, who is he really. I agreed to let him to see the kids in the morning front of the school at 7.55am.
I couldn't sleep again all night, as I was worried he will try to come in the house. I feel exhausted now.
He called me up in the morning at 7am, he is front of our house with his rented car and he wanted to take us to school. I told him, I will take the kids to school, and was asking him, why is he thinks I will sit in the same car with him. I was asking him again to leave front of the house, as he is blocking the way for me to drive out with our car from the garage, and we can meet front of the school before 8am, as we agreed last night on the phone. Then he lost his temper again, and started shouting at me and swearing, why he can't park front of the house in the driveway... So I was waited he will drive away, but he just stayed there, so I had to call the Police to advice me what should I do, because I am scared to go out with the kids to the car, because the ex is angry again. The Police said they will come out and they told me to don't go outside alone until they arrive. By 7.40am the ex drove away, so I called up the Police they don't need to come out, he is gone. The time I put the phone down, the Police arrived, so I told them what happened and they was asking me if I want them to follow me to the school. I agreed with it, because my son said, he is worried now.
We arrived to the school and the ex gave the kids some presents again and when he saw the Police car turned up, he gone angry with me again and called all names front of the kids. I took the kids in the school, as I didn't wanted any more argument front of the school, and we was late by then too.
The time I came out from the school, the ex parked his rental car next to mine, in a way I hardly could open my door. I sit in the car quick and locked the doors straight away, as I felt unsafe, even the Police was near by. The ex jumped out of his car and started to force open the car door on me, and was hitting the window, tried to break it in, and he was nearly kicked the car door side in, but he stopped himself, as he likes the car...and he was shouting to me several times he will kill me. The Police was there in a few seconds time next to us, and I opened my door and got out of the car. I was in such a shock and was shaking so badly, I was really scared.
The Police man told me to leave the ex with them and just drive away, they will stay with him.
I am still shaking how I am writing all this down, but I have to do it, to let you know what was going on this morning before the court hearing. I was really scared to come back home alone, but I had to wrap some of my orders to ship them today to my customers, as I reopened my Etsy shop again for a few weeks, to earn some money. I am so worried about my kids now, hopefully they are safe in the school, but I need to leave now to see my lawyer this morning.
Please think of me.