I can not run away from my problems...

Where should I start? First maybe I should say, I am away with my kids from home for 4 days now, I wanted to stay away longer at my auntie's place, but I can't do it.. I realized I can not run away from my problems and I need to earn money again to pay my bills, so I made my decision early this morning while my little girl was vomiting at 3.30am (I think she was eating so many things yesterday and she got a tummy bug, but she is feeling better now), I will have to take them back home and try to sort things out in my life...

I did put my shops on vacation mode last week, and I still feel the same way, I will close them down once I sold nearly everything out of them. I will need to reopen my shops today and even I lost my passion to design and make my flowers and jewelry, I still need to keep doing it, as long I will found my way out of this emotional mess I am at the moment... and I need to earn money for to pay my bills and implants in the end of August.

I still feel so lost, I can't create anymore as I used to and this makes me feel upset, because creating was my life, but I hope one day I will be back to myself again, the same girl who I was before I got married.

At this moment my kids are the most important in my life, I try to do my best to give them everything what I can. I just wish I am over with this emotional stress soon, as I am still not over with the shock which was caused by the realisation of who I was living for this long.

I try not to feel sorry for myself and move on, but it is just so hard, as my heart is not with me anymore...

I would like to thank everybody who was helping me to raise money for my implants surgery last month. I am truly touched by the messages and comments I have received by closing down my shops.

Here is some of the messages I have received, which makes me feel I am not a waste of a time in this world, and I already made some people happy with my creations and touched their soul with my art...thank you!! :

"Hi Marianna,

I am sad to hear that you are closing your shop. You are a wonderful artist and I hope that someday you will be able to share your talents again. I wish you the very best - and hope that all goes well for you! Take good care of yourself! ~ Catherine"

"I'm going to miss your shop! I adore your items! If you ever start selling somewhere else please let me know. :) I get endless compliments on the earrings I bought from you last year. Thank you for the discount. I know as a shop owner how much that hurts after you work so hard to make things.  Mahalo, Danielle"

"Sad to see you go. Best wishes :) Your jewellery is beautiful and I will miss looking through it all but I understand.~Katy"

"Marianna, Sorry to hear that you are closing your shop. Your flowers are so beautiful and original. Hope all is well and good luck! ~Ashley "

"Sorry to read that you are closing.... I love your shop and wish you the best ~ Mariah"

"I've wanted one of these for a long time, so I guess I'd better buy it before you're closed. I wish you the best for the future. Charlotte"

"Thanks again so sorry you are shutting down. I will miss your work! Lynn"

"Hi Marianna... Thanks for your beautiful work... Laura"

"Your work looks beautiful. It's clear you put time and passion into each piece. Cannot wait to receive these works of art. ~ Courtney"

"Sorry to hear your closing your shop. These little bird rings are just adorable and I think everyone should have one. I wish you much success in your life and to maybe see you back on etsy in the future! I'll be keeping an eye out :) ~ Sarah"

"I am so sorry to see that you are closing your shop. I love the earrings that I purchased from you.

thanks-Carole"

"I'm very sorry to hear about you closing your shop.You are a wonderful artist.

I wish you the very best in your journey! ~ Fotini"



It's been a long time..

It's been a long time I was writing here, but so many things happened with me and I just did not felt to write anything here.. I think the main reason is I still feel so lost..

If you are following me on Twitter most of you know it by now I am divorcing after 15 years marriage.

It's all started a few months ago when I realised I lived with a wrong person who never deserved me, I thought I married my love, but now  I realised that was just an illusion, I never loved him, I cared for him and only felt sorry for him right from the beginning of our relation..

I felt sick for over a year now, nearly every night I had stress attacks, couldn't breathe, and I didn't know what was cause of it.. I know it now, my heart couldn't take any more pain and sorrow and was showing me I have to stop what I am doing..

The realisation hit me between end of March and beginning of April not long before our upcoming 15th wedding anniversary, I was writing a 100 facts about me on twitter and I slowly realised I am unhappy and sad in my marriage and later when I was finally told my older sister everything what happening in my marriage, I found out what my ex done with me was wrong, should not happen in a marriage and a day later I found out from a domestic violence helpline link, what my good friend sent me, he done nearly everything with me what was describing domestic violence over this 15.5 years since I know him..

that made me sick and I cried for days and didn't know what I will do when he is back from the UK in 2 days time.. once I knew who I was living with I was so scared of him and didn't wanted to live with him one more day, I didn't wanted to give him one more day of my life..

The time come to pick him up from the airport and while I was driving there with my little girl, I was listening to Il Divo CD in our car..I got that disc a few years ago for Christmas, but never really listen to it, maybe the ex put it in last time he was home..

so I was listening to their songs and the 8th track was playing in the car, and I was listening to it's lyrics of "The Man you love" and I bursted out crying and I cried the whole way to the airport listening to that one song over and over again.. it was so hard to stop crying before I've pulled up at the entrance and after the ex was asking what is wrong I said, I got a migraine and I told him to sit in the back next to my daughter, hoping he will not notice I have changed.. but he was watching me in the rear mirror nearly all way through while I was driving.. was a horrible feeling for me and I still didn't know how and when I can tell him I want to divorce him...

Then we arrived home after one hour drive and it's all come out after dinner after he was mentioning our wedding anniversary in after tomorrow.. then he started a huge argument again and he was threaten me to hit me again and then I turned around and told him "You will never ever touch me again!!"

then after he watched something on the tv with the kids after he went to bed with my daughter and after Gigi fallen asleep next to him I gone in the bedroom and I told him I want a divorce..

he was all calm and said he wanted to divorce me years ago.. what was surprising me, I think that was just one of his game again to know if I have anybody in my life.. I felt sorry for him again and made me cry and I was thinking maybe I should stay with him, I felt sorry for him again, what he will do without us..

I hardly had any sleep, I was so scared what he will do to me if I fall asleep (my son had the same worry as me, what his father will do to me during the night) and what happens tomorrow and the next day he was angry and shouted with me again and called me bad names, how much a bitch I am, to take his kids away from him, but my son said: "I want to stay with my mom, yes mom is right you are the bad one dad!" My son saw nearly everything over this years, only a few things he haven't witnessed and that was when the ex raped me a few times.. I tried to forget all this, but I can't everything is coming back to me again...

So after a huge argument I left with my kids with my older sister's help and stayed with her and family in her flat for 4 days, until the ex left Hungary, because of the police restraining order, which I had to do, I can not live that long at my sister's place without clean clothes with two kids, because the ex hoping I will feel sorry for him again and will continue our life how it was before.. but since I know what he done with me, I never ever want to see him again.. I already put the divorce papers in and waiting for the court hearings which will start in September.

So, the reason I am writing all this down, for you to understand what I am going through in this last months and to help me to get over my feelings and find myself again, to be a girl who I was...

Listening to this Il Divo's song this morning I wanted you to know, I am listening this one song over and over again every time I am driving our car, when I am going to the police station, to see the solicitor, going to the court, the child welfare office, the council office the psychologist to the hospital for having a surgery... that one song give me a strength to keep doing what I am doing... hoping one day a man will love me the way as it's said in that song...but deep in my heart I know the answer... this will never happen, that unconditional love not exist...

Easter Sunday

Edward and Gigi are so excited about the Easter Egg hunt.

Who do you think will find the most chocolate eggs?

First they was looking in the lounge...

Edward picked his little sister up to get the eggs from the top of the glass cabinet.

It was hard to find the eggs in the always messy study :)

Look what Jessie found one egg too on the chair in the kitchen :)

Edward is just too fast to take a photo of, while Gigi looking around her kitchen.

Jessie really enjoyed her first Easter in our family. Since Gigi got her in February, she takes her everywhere and call her little sister. So I have three kids now :)

Gigi found the most eggs.

My little monkey :)

Edward love Easter so much!

Gigi has found more under the table mats.

Same as Edward.

Our breakfast. Kids are eating chocolate balls cereal and me corn flakes with sugar...yes, I know I shouldn't put sugar on it.

Edward said it's looks like we are having rabbit droppings and bird food :)

Jessie having strawberry tart and milk.

Before lunch we was painting some eggs.

Only painted six eggs.

Gigi helping me to put the eggs in the glass bowl.

Since I was a child, my mum always made this Easter dish. It's sliced smoked/cooked ham, sausages and boiled eggs. We are have it with horseradish sauce and brioche.

This Easter food my kids favorite too.

xo

Mothers day

Last Sunday was Mother's day.
Gigi and Edward gave me their surprise in the morning what they have made a night before.

Gigi's little card, handmade by her. I love how she always put little hearts on top of her name.

She wrapped up some of her little stuff as a present for me in a tissue paper...now I know where is all that Kleenex gone.

Poor little darling, she had a cold.

Edward made me this card with a reflecting paper inside like a mirror.

I am so happy to have such a kids like them to make a day special for me.

I don't need to say, I was in tears...

xo

100 facts About Me

1) I'm Hungarian.I speak fluently in English,but not as good as I really want it. I'm constantly unsure if I say it right.

2) My husband is British. We met in Hungary and lived in England for 11 years.

3) We moved to Hungary a few years ago to give our kids a longer childhood.

4) I have been married for 15 years

5) I have a 14 year old son and a 6 year old daughter.

6) I do believe everything is happening for a reason.

7) I’m a romantic person, love watching romantic films. One of my favorite film is: Enchanted from Disney.

 8) I was always wishing to be taller when I was young. I am only 5 foot …I got use to it now.

9) I have a reading glasses,but I don’t like to wear it. Actually I wear it tonight,as my eyes hurts so much.

10) Don’t have time to read books anymore, but I love reading on the internet.

11) When I got married, I couldn’t cook. I learned from myself and from my friends and it's become one of my passion.

12) I was addicted to Coca Cola, but I haven’t had any for nearly a year now.

13) I don’t have any tattoos and I will never have one.

14) I used to eat sand when I was a child. I still remember the taste of it…it tasted like a sunshine.

15) When I was young and single I have been in many places and countries. Loved it!

16) I love stepping on a dry crunchy leaf, love to hear the noise of it.

17) One of my dream is to live near the Sea.

18) I love watching the Sea.

19) I miss watching the Sea.

20) Little things can make me happy in life.

 21) I love Spring, because reminds me of new beginnings in life.

22) I love Summer, because my kids are home with me all day long.

23) I love Autumn, because of the beautiful colours of the leaves.

24) I love Winter when it’s snowing, everything looks so magical…

25- The last few years I don’t like it when someone taking photo of me.

26) One of my passion is taking photos around me. I take approx. 100 picture a day, usually from my work.

27) I swear lots when I am angry.

28) Most of the time so hard to make me angry, other times one look is enough…

29) I love learning things.

30) Art is my life. Every day I NEED to create something.

31) Most of the times I wish I was born English. I could speak and write better in English.

32) I can see better with my heart…

33) I love following my heart...but it's not always a good way...

34) I am scared of frogs. My mum told me, when I was a few months old baby I was laying in the garden and a frog jumped on my face, she didn’t took it off, because she was scared of it too. So she waited until the frog jumped off my face…


35) Before I met my husband I lived in France for over a year, I loved it! But I only can say a few word in French.

36) When I lived in France and visited my French friend’s family, they heard I am scared of frogs… so they surprised me and cook some frog legs for lunch. I thought they are small chicken drums, so I had a bite and after I swallowed it they told me what I just had… I was so close to throw up on the dining table… and was sick for days


37) My parents divorced when I was 16 years old, after a really bad marriage. I wish they divorced much earlier…

38) I am addicted to the internet, especially Twitter.

39) I have my iPod next to my bed and I wake up several times during the night to check if I got any emails.

40) Love seafood, and I miss it so much.

41) I used to sleep well,but now I’m scared going to bed and sleep. I have stress attacks at night, can't breathe.

42) I try to learn Japanese by myself from books and from my iPod apps.

43) one of my dream is to visit Japan when the sakura blossoms in spring time.

44) Sometimes I do wonder,what would had happened if I don’t meet my husband… but then I feel bad to even think such a things like that, because I would not have two lovely children.


45) I had a postnatal depression after my son was born. I denied it for years...I felt lonely.

46) I still feel lonely.

47) I believe in after life in some way.Our soul can't die just like that. It come from somewhere and will go somewhere...

48) One of my saddest moment was in my life, when i had to say goodbye to my father in law on the phone and explain to my kids why they have to say bye to him...my husband was in the UK with his father in the hospital. Just thinking of it made me cry again...


49) I am worried too much about things, what I can't change.

50) I have only one mug of coffee a day after my breakfast cereal in the morning. I like to be alone while I am drinking my coffee in the morning. This few minutes get me ready for a day.


51) When I was 17, I was sending myself a parcel, because I liked the boy who was deliver it.

52) I don’t like when people are walking in our house with their shoes on. I like keep my floor clean.

53) I am washing my hands far too much in the day. Especially while I am cooking.

54) I hate touching raw meat when i am cooking,I always wear disposable rubber gloves while I am cutting or washing a meat.

55) I am taking step by step photos of my recipes and when I'll have some time, I want to write a cookbook for my kids.

56) My kids always come first in my life. I would do anything for them.

57) Not one day goes by to tell my kids, how much I love them!

58) If I shout with my kids in a day,I feel so bad at night when I see them asleep while I put their blankets back on them.

59) I used to pray at night before I went to sleep. Not a real pray, just a custom made one...my own pray. I am not doing it anymore, maybe I should.


60) I have more friends on the internet, than in real life.

61) While I'm writing all this facts about myself,making me know myself better...me think. Definitely making me feel better

62) My mum always told me, not to play with the fire, because I will wet my bed at night. I am burning the fabric petals every day for my flowers with a candle and I have never wet my bed yet...


63) I had many jobs in my life. Actually I learnt to be a shoe designer/maker. The reason was, I couldn't get in the art school when I was 14, so I had to learn something. But even I wasn't that interested to make shoes, I was still the best with one other girl in our class. She still makes shoes...


64) Since I remember, I always wanted to be an artist. I would love to have my own exhibition one day of my paintings only.

65) I have a painting in my Etsy shop (The Mysterious Moon),what I have priced at stupid high, because I don't really want to sell it, but if someone willing to pay that much for it, it would mean he or she would love it as much I do. I think I would hand deliver it, to make sure it will arrive in a perfect condition.


66) Every time I paint a painting, I feel like I have a bit of my soul inside. Every time I sell a painting I am crying, and feel sad to say bye to it...


67) I love sculpting too, but I haven't got a space to work with clay. It could be really messy.

68) I believe: What does not kill us will make us stronger.

69) I was working in a flower shop once. Loved working with fresh flowers, but I was hating when I had to take orders for a funerals and see the cried out eyes, so I left.


70) I was working as a barmaid once in my sister boyfriend's nightclub. Was fun, that when I met my husband.

71) I hate cigarette smoke, but I was smoking when I was working in the nightclub. Smoking helped me to bear other peoples smoke. Since I left that job, I don't smoke anymore.


72) I have a very sensitive nose. I am really good at sensing smells.

73) I hate my short hair right now, can't wait when it's grow long again.

74) I don't like smiling, I have a crooked teeth on top. I wanted them fixed when I was in my 20's, but the dentist said I am too old for it now. Maybe I should ask someone else? I would love to have nice straight teeth.


75) I do believe in telepathy. I have a sense of feel when someone who close to my heart is thinking about me.

76) My star sign is Lion. I was a true Lion, but now I feel, I am more like a house cat.

77) At my 1st pregnancy (with my son) when I was 27 years old, I couldn't understand what is going on in my body, I don't mean biologically. I was so scared of everything. I wish I had someone to talk about it, I felt alone in the UK. I wish I had skype then and I could talk to my sisters every day.

78) I truly enjoyed being pregnant with my 2nd child (my little daughter). I know what to expect. I loved the feeling of a little life in my body...I miss being pregnant sometimes.


79) I am always taking a full responsibility for my actions, but I hate when someone blaming me for something what I haven't done.

80) My husband and me know each other so much, sometimes we have an argument without saying any word...

81) When I was 19, my boss was asking me to be a manager of the cake shop, but I turned her down. I am still regretting my decision. But how I always say, everything is happening for a reason.


82) My best ever personal possession is my iPod Touch. Bit annoyed with the fact, after a few months of buying it, Apple bought out the new iPod with the camera. I so want one.

83) I am too critical to myself. I am thinking for long before I do something. But after I made my decision is no way back.

84) I love this quote from Kung Fu Panda: "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift, and that is why it's called the present"


85) Every time my kids away from me in school,I'm so worried they will be hurt or have an accident.I try to think positive,but the fear is always in me...


86) I used to be scared of driving after I've passed my test in Hungary. I had to take a driving test again in the UK by law (was no EU that time) and I am so grateful to my driving instructor who teach me and gave me a confidence and her knowledge...I love driving now.


87) I don't do politics.I don't understand or maybe I don't want to understand.But I'm constantly reading the news what happening in the World.


88) I accept, need and appreciate criticism from people who love me truly for who I am, but I can't bare it when someone criticising my work only to try break my wings to make me fly no more.


89) Looking back in my life,I have no regrets.I am thankful for people and events (even for bad ones) to make me a person who I am now.


90) I love walking when I take and bring home my daughter from kindergarten.These walks help me to clear my head and help me to think.


91) I do believe in angels...they are out there to look after us, you just need to open your heart and they can find you.

92) I always wonder what I am going to do with my life.

93) I like painting at night alone,when everyone asleep.I feel refreshed after,better than sleeping.

94) I am so thankful for the people who supporting my art and buying them. Without them, I couldn't do what makes me happy in life.


95) Usually I work on my online shops and creations 12-14 hours a day, 7 days a week, it's not a complain,it's a fact.

96) I am not much a celebrity follower.I can have a long conversation with someone and I still would not know who they are.I always looking at the person inside, not what they are famous for.


97) I never forget the feeling,when straight after my daughter's birth,the nurse put my little girl on my tummy...one of the best feeling I have ever experienced.


98) My husband promised me,if I would get an invite from @MarthaStewart to show how I make my flowers in her craft channel,he would let me go alone to the US for a few weeks. That will never happen, because I think Martha is not featuring artists/crafters outside the US.

99) I have a fear of heights, but I would love to go up on the Eiffel tower and look at Paris and take some photos.

100) As my friend said in his list, it must be my OCD that is making me finish this list of 100 totally useless facts about myself.

I am in love with spring

Last week was so beautiful and sunny, so I took my camera with me when I picked my little daughter up from kindergarten.

I hope will make you as happy, as did me when I took this photos.

If you click on the photos, you can see them in larger size.

Almond blossoms.

I don't know why, but the sky looks different blue in Hungary, than in the UK.

 

I always wanted to take close up photos from bees. Now I got it.

I was right close to the bees, when I took this photos. My camera lens had some pollen on it.

Was so many bees on this little tree, but none of them wanted to sting me.

I think they felt I don't want to hurt them...

I like this bee the best. Can you see his left wing is damaged.

I would love to stroke him very gently...

I am so happy for this shot!

Here is my favorite again with a damaged wing.

He come back to me to take more picture of him...

xo

Sometimes I Don't Feel Like Flying...

...like today. I need to stop and think where I am going...

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, they must be felt...
Featured artworks from my fellow artists.

Thank you thedreamygiraffe for the title.

Pensive by timemovingslow

Heartbroken by amomentpreserved

Island by kathyhare

She Cried A Song For You Today by shawnaerback

my lonely nights by 4UrEyesOnly

Sad Faerie by BelieveEternal

Blue by AndiPace

Broken Wing by BestArtStudios2

xo