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06 August 2012

Do you know where you're going to?

I think this will be my last post here about my struggle..about how I feel deep inside my soul.. from now on, while I am still making things better for my kids and start a new life just the three of us, I will try to spend more time painting, I will try my best to tweet more often about my progress in creating, and upload my photos and paintings in my new online gallery..and I will try to continue writing my book...
...no idea how I will have the energy and strength to do all this, as I still feel so drained down emotionally and physically.

But before I finish writing in public about the my pain I am still going through, I want to reply in public to this comment I’ve received from someone, who was very special to me not too long ago…I don’t want to write down his name, as he choose to reply to me here as “Anonymous”….no idea why he done that, but I want to keep his privacy, because it’s very important to me not to hurt his feelings…

“I completely disagree. I am sorry you are going through so much pain and turmoil in your life, but I do strongly disagree. Character isn't determined by wealth. Integrity doesn't know rich or poor, young or old, good family or bad family. We ALL have problems and suffering. Character and integrity are generated within the heart and soul. How you choose to handle the challenges that life throws at you does shine a light on the person you are on the inside. We can fake many things and fool many people. However, When faced with great challenges or adversary, a persons real character tends to reveal itself. Own your actions and take responsibility for the things you do. There have been some incredible individuals that have suffered tremendously and have not used their circumstance as a crutch or excuse to fail. Oprah Winfrey, J.K. Rowling, and Liz Murray are a few examples of women that refused to fail. I really have no idea why I have affected you the way I have. Your affections towards me are undeserved and unwarranted. I wish you a full and happy life, but I cannot help you in your situation. You became fixated on a public persona. You don't really know me at all. You must learn to find your strength and take care of yourself and your children. I am not the love of your life, I am not even your friend. I am a guy you've never met and yet you have somehow become fixated on. Obsessing over my tweets and facebook postings is not healthy. I know you will find your light at the end of the tunnel, stay strong and focused. I wish you the very best of luck in your life, but will you kindly stop with all of this obsession with me? please.

Posted by Anonymous to Dreaming...MGMart at July 10, 2012 9:10 AM “

I know with this reply to you, I will make my life even harder as it is. I know some people will use it against me in my next divorce hearing, but I don’t care, I still publish it, because it's the truth and I only have one life.
I want to clear things up with you here publicly….as I have nothing to hide, I am not a liar or a cheater.

After I read your comment at the first time a few weeks ago, it’s hit me so badly and I wished you never replied to it, like you always ignored me on Facebook….I feel so embarrassed, humiliated, and I feel ashamed of myself who I am..

I’ve promised myself I will never write to you again and will not write on my blog either...then how the days passed by, more things happened to me ..things got worst, and I just couldn't stop myself to read your comment again and again... and it's give me a very mixed feelings and I have to reply here to you publicly, because I realized you feel safer to reply to me in public…like you did many times on Twitter..even it’s meant a total humiliation for me, as your fans/followers judged me without knowing the whole story and sent me nasty tweets…but that doesn’t matter anymore….

I have to reply, as it's a terrible feeling you still don't understand me, you still misjudge me, even I wrote to you daily what happening to me and how I can cope with that in the past months. Reading at your comment, you still think of me I am a weak, bad person who can’t get her life in order…
What hurts me the most, you are still writing to me like I am a stranger to you..even you know me more than anybody in this world...
I can't understand why people believe they need to have a body contact to know someone truly.

When I was a child I heard this idiom “before someone hurts your feelings, always look who is saying it, not what they are saying…”
All my life I lived by this saying, that’s how I saved my feelings and my soul deep inside me, that’s how I survived my life until now….but I took an exception with you.. now I know that was a mistake, as I realized now you will NEVER understand me...even you are trying to be all that cool, caring, regular guy for your twitter and Facebook "friends"...but until you are living in a luxury lifestyle..you will never understand me…..and I can't blame you for that.. it's not your fault.

You are lucky to not go through what I had to go through all my life, especially in the past months….You will never understand me, it was very, very stupid of me to think, you will ever understand my feelings, and who I am…and it’s not your fault.
I am not wishing to anybody to go through and make a decisions what I had to do since last year April.
Nobody can live my life, only me.

I am so so sorry, I never wanted to hurt your feelings.
Please believe me, I did not wanted to hurt you, as you was so important to me, but with that examples I used in my earlier post, was the only way I thought you might can understand me, but obviously you took it in the wrong way. I can see it in your reply, the way you wrote it, and the words you have used.
It's so easy for you to write all that stuff about integrity and character.. maybe if I have the same circumstances as you do, that could be true..but in "real" life it's just not working that way.

Yes, I DO own my actions.
Yes, I DO take responsibility for every each of them I made in all my life, and you are the ONLY ONE who know all this for sure, as you know so much about me now, because I believed you were my friend and I wrote to you honestly down everything how I feel, and all my thoughts.
But I understand now, you don't want to be my friend anymore…I wish you told me the truth in the right of the beginning, when you wrote “you very much want to be my friend”… but obviously, you did not meant that words..you let me down big time, but at least I know now I am totally alone in this world…I can not write to you again.

You are saying I am using my circumstances as a crutch or excuse to fail….no, I am not.
I try to get out of my bad circumstances alone, without anyone’s help.
You might think, I only wrote publicly about my problems, to make people sorry for me…I never ever wanted people feel sorry for me…because it’s hurts me to know I make people upset when I tell them something what happened to me…it’s makes me sad and cry to see them upset...they always think I am crying because of my pain coming out of me, but I am crying for them they have to listen to my problems, as everyone have enough problem without mine…so now on I will have to keep inside myself again how I really feel…and only cry when nobody can see it, when I am alone..

You see, you still can’t understand why I had to write in public about my problems, how I ended up in the situation, what I found myself in last year April.
That was the only way what my circumstances let me to do, as I lived with that man in a domestic violence marriage for 15 years.
And I realized it last year, the only reason the ex could threat me bad that long, because I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on behind closed doors. Even in the last few years he did not needed to hit me physically to hurt me, it was enough how he was looking at me or say things to me…or spit in my face….I lived in fear all the time, because I didn’t know when he will turn on me…doesn’t matter what I say or do, he was always find the reason to be nasty to me…
.
I realized it, if I write in public, that is the only way I can deal with the ex. Because abusers like him, are not like it if other people do know about them how they are hurting their victims, because they want to impress the “outsiders” to think they are good people…

I always own my actions and I am responsible for them, that was the reason I decided to write publicly what was happening with me in the past..
I was never hid behind “anonymous” ..I always put my name to every writings I done in my life.. I don’t regret anything in my life, as it’s made me a person who I am now…even I feel weak and bad…but that’s me, I can’t change it……

Since you told me “to be true to myself”, I am trying so hard to be true to myself in the circumstances I am in at the moment, and that’s why I had to write in public about my mistakes and my pains…I don’t want to be pretend anymore….because I realized if I lie to myself, I do lie to others too..and it doesn’t make me feel any better even I know now, they were unintentional "lies".
While I was married, I had no other choice, but to keep hiding my sad feelings, to pretend in public everything is ok, but I did that unintentionally to save my family…I wasn’t aware the ex was manipulating me since the beginning of our relationship. ….now I know, but it’s too late……and even now all that stuff I gone through, all that horrible things I found out about the ex, it’s still makes me feel unsure…is that all worth it???
It was all worth it to ruin everything around me???…as I am slowly losing EVERYTHING what was very important to me not long ago….and that makes me think more often:…maybe I should just kept living in denial?… even after I realized it my life worth nothing to live like how I lived next to the ex……

…oh, well….

…yes, character does shine through most of our actions, but only in the way how our circumstances let them to show….I don't think you will ever understand what I mean about that…it’s really hard to explain what I mean, I was never good with words..
..I am sad you will never understand me, you will never know what I gone through and what is still ahead of me to survive all this horrible things, but it's not your fault not to understand what I mean, what I tried to explain to you in my earlier post…as I said, nobody can live my life only me, and no one ever will feel how I feel.

I feel very bad to wanted to be your friend so badly. I never wanted you to do things what you wasn't willing to do for me. You should have told me much earlier in last year April I am annoying you...

And what making things worst, I can’t even write properly in English, because my English vocabulary is not good enough to write about serious realizations about life….maybe one day I will take proper English grammar lessons, because I only learned 2-3 months in the English language school when I was 27 years old, and that wasn’t really much, was only the very basic English…that time I met the ex and I moved to the UK with him and got married, then I was learning to speak and write by myself from books, newspapers and everyday life while I was out shopping…anyway…going back to your comment....

It’s hurts me, when you pick that three women out of the thousands of other women who couldn't change their life for better.

That three women was the lucky ones, because someone helped them by believing them, see they got talent for something, and helped them achieve their dreams…I know, I read their life story.
What about the rest of the thousands of women who never made it…..who been killed by their abusers, according to the latest UK report http://uk.news.yahoo.com/domestic-abuse-hidden-emergency-061039052.html

..and what about the ones who committed suicide, because they had no strength to keep going and “fighting" for their rights, and that was the only way out of their problems??….. I know for some people suicide it’s the easier way to get out of their problems, but I think it’s such a wrong thing to do, it’s not fair on the loved ones….

Where are them women, who still live with their abusive partner, because they haven’t realized how their partner treating them it's not normal??…or even they realized it and they still can't tell anyone, because they been emotionally blackmailed ..or they just simply haven't got any place to go...

Just searched up the word “abuser”, to make sure I write it properly, and I come across this article http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml , which frightened me so much, as nearly everything what was wrote there did happened to me too in a very similar way. If you will take your time and read that story, you might can understand what I had to go through, that gives you a glimpse of my daily life, how I had to live next to the ex, and why I realized it too late I was a victim of psychical and emotional abuse, for 15.5 years...how he was playing his dirty games on me, just because I believed in marriage and trust.

And the other things, them three women have one in common, they are American and English citizens…..please give me one Hungarian female name with kids who managed to become someone by herself alone, and haven't used her “good look” to become someone...

So, you are using all them big words, like integrity and character....what’s hurts me the most, I was honest with you from right of the beginning...but I feel you wasn’t honest with me, because you let me write nearly every day and let me believe you was my friend...I wish you told me right of the beginning, in last year April or May, to stop writing to you…

And the other thing, please stop believing you are the "love of my life" ..I wrote to you months ago I was wrong….I made a huge, huge mistake to think you are the one for me….
I told you so many times, I didn’t know why I developed this weird connection with you.
I made a big mistake, by having that strong feeling I can trust you to write down everything what is in my heart, how your existence gave me the strength to be true to myself and think of my past and what I want to do in the future...

That time I had those feelings for you, and to started to knowing you I thought real love does exist in this world...
..that time you made me feel like a real woman… what I never felt like that before…but I realized it now, it was just a withdrawing syndrome of getting out of a long abusive marriage…

The thing is, I never ever cheated on my ex-husband while we were married, I never ever looked or think of any other man since I know him. The only mistake I have ever done in my life is to believe I felt love for you …and even how I felt for you, that wasn’t the reason I decided to end my marriage.

You was NEVER EVER the reason I wanted to divorce the ex…when I started to knowing you, you was only making me wake up from a “nightmare” and open up my eyes…your existence gave me the strength to have my self-respect back and to be true to myself….I told you many times, I had this stress attacks over a year before I “met” you on twitter. So when the ex still try to blame YOU in court for divorcing him, I don’t feel guilty at all, because I know the truth…I know you was never ever the reason to leave him.
 I wrote this down for you many times, but now I have to write it all down here publicly too, because I have nothing to hide, I am not a cheater, I never was and I never will!

My soul is clean…when my time come, when my life will end in this world and if God exist, I can stand front of him without feeling any quilt, because I always lived my life in a way to not to hurt anyone intentionally, I was always trying my best telling the truth all my life, I own my actions, even if sometimes I had to do things in the way, what was hurting me or others to do, but that was the only best of the worst options to deal with that particular matter.

Do you remember I wrote to you that time, back in April 2011? ..I will not saying nothing to the ex I want to divorce him until he is home for 3 weeks and I will tell him when he will be due to go back to England, because I was scared of his reaction…but I couldn’t pretend everything is ok..
I wanted to be true to myself and others around me and I told him that evening I want to finish our marriage…the weirdest thing was, I felt to not to say the truth that night and wait for 3 weeks, and pretend everything is ok….and go to sleep in the same bedroom where he is sleeping….even only for sleeping, as I haven’t had sex with the ex since December 2010…and nobody else ever since.. ..so to even just sleep in the same room with that man, even he was my "husband"….I felt that would be not fair on YOU….I know it’s sound crazy stupid, but that’s how I felt that time.
I felt is not fair on you, as you and me knew the truth, because a few days before I realized how he was treating me wasn’t normal, that when I read that domestic violence website the first time, and realized what he done to me and then I decided to divorce him, as I realized he was causing me pain intentionally because it's makes him happy to hurt me...
I felt it’s wrong to stay with someone, even he was still my husband that time, and pretend and lie, when you and me knew the truth, how I felt about him…I wanted to stay honest to you and myself, to keep to my decision to divorce him, even that’s meant a total devastation for the people around me…I choose the hard way to be true to myself, but I had to do it, because that was the only right way to get out of an abusive relationship….but the thing is I am “happy” I was true to myself that time, and I am proud of myself I told him the truth that night and finished our marriage...it’s better for the kids too, as I realized it’s not good for them either to see their mother been hurt by their father…what that teach them to keep living like that??? ..even it’s hard all the three of us, because he is still causing problems and stress, even he is not living with us anymore. That’s why I want to be independent from him financially, not to rely on his child support, even by law the kids right to receiving it from him.

The other thing is I wanted to clear here with you. Every time when I wrote to you how I feel about you, I was sort of scared what will you write back to me…not because I was worried you will say you don’t want me..more like I was scared to receive a reply back from you…you DO want me…

I know it’s sound very stupid, but every time I was writing about what feelings I have towards you, I wanted a reply back from you, like: “don’t be silly, I am only your friend…” and do you know what? if I ever got a reply back from you to actually tell me the truth how you feel nothing about me, that could have helped me…I know you wrote once in the beginning, but that wasn’t about how you “feel or not feel” about me…you tried to explain to me, my feelings are wrong…you never wrote it down to me, how YOU feel …and you just let me keep writing to you and I read your silence in the wrong way…as I thought if someone writing to me, and I don't like it, I would write back to that person straight away and tell I am not interested at all in him, like I did with some film producer guy on facebook and I blocked him....

I still remember the feelings I had that time, what would happen if you write back to me you want me as your love…I know it for sure, if you would ever wrote me things like that, I would never wrote to you again…I know that for sure.
As I am scared even just from the thoughts if we will ever meet one day in real, because how I felt for you was more emotional than physical …even sometimes sounded other ways…I know, if we would have a chance to meet in real, I would be quite embarrassed by the messages I have sent to you sometimes, that was just a stupid delusional dreams about you.

I know now, to think about you, that helped me not to think my real life problems…to have those stupid dreams about you, imagine you are in love with me, and how would it feel if you kissed me… was helping me to get though my days since I filed a divorce papers in, and how I realised more and more horrible stuff from the ex how the days passed….to found out he was cheated on me with my own sister, my friends, and to found out about them extreme and underage porn on his hard drive.. I felt and still feel pretty stupid not to notice anything who I was trusting and living with that long…

...so to think real love does exist in this world, it helped me to get through my days…now I know I was very stupid and inconsiderate to you..I am so sorry…and even I so would like to “make love” just once in my life…but I know that for sure now, that will never happen…because I will not trust anybody anymore....and I rather not have any sex with anybody again…I don’t need physical contact like that with anybody, just the sake of having it…if I can’t have a real love, I rather want nothing and be alone…and now I know real love is not exist for me, because I am incapable to have it....

..I thought that time we have something very special connection between us, but I was wrong..I am so sorry to make you believe you are the “love of my life”…I am very sorry, I didn’t wanted to hurt your feelings.

When I "met" you on twitter, I felt this warm, secure feeling in my heart and I felt I can write down what is deep in my heart once in my life, I felt your soul so close to me....

I had this very strong instinct for you…I wish I know why I felt like that..and now it's just makes me feel very sad deep in my heart to bothered you that long..I feel bad I hurt your feelings, but that was unintentional as I would never ever want to hurt you.
I was never interested in a way who you are, how “rich” are you, or what a well known family you are came from.....even you was/are always mentioning and give a hint out on twitter and facebook, but I tried to ignore that, because I am only interested in you, who you are in your soul without your bank statement... that was never important to me..them facts about you just made me feel even more worthless and poor...I wish you are just a regular guy, that way you wouldn't done things what you did to me...
I was always only interested in you..just YOU, who you are deep in your heart and soul..just a person who you are, when you look at yourself in the mirror, when you are alone ...

I told you before, we all came to this world with one thing, and that is our soul….and when the time come in everyone’s life, you can not take anything else with you, only your soul...the memories and the feelings inside your spirit...that time money, fame will be not important anymore...

..so when you are telling me I was fixated on a public persona it's really hurts me, because it’s showing how less you think of me….and in the same time how less you think of yourself too….it's must be a horrible feeling when you think people only want to be your friend just because your so called “rich family” or your “famous” friends...

You are really hurting my feelings to say that to me..obviously you don't know me at all..and that hurts…I was honest with you all this time..all my words were true and came from my heart..that was all me....I wish one day you will stop being so blind and see who I am really, and maybe you will want to talk to me and call me up and we could become friends… but saying that, makes me think what an earth you want to be my friend for??? ..because I am very depressed at the moment and I am not a person who could cheer you up, like other young girls do in your life, writing funny and cool things to you to make you laugh..so I just answered my own question ..you really don't need me in you life, you have enough problems, than listen to mine..

Sorry I was bothering you for over a year.. I am sorry, I wanted too much from you..I wanted to be your true friend, your soul mate ..I really felt you are very similar to me, I thought you are just like me inside my soul..but I was wrong.

I wanted to write about your “real life” friend Kristen Stewart, how much is hurting me you are defending her, even she was cheated on her love Robert Pattinson …

You said to me “Character and integrity are generated within the heart and soul. How you choose to handle the challenges that life throws at you does shine a light on the person you are on the inside. We can fake many things and fool many people. However, When faced with great challenges or adversary, a persons real character tends to reveal itself” ….looking at them photos, it does revealed her character….

The other thing I wanted to ask, how would you feel if that was YOU who she was cheated on, even "only" kissing another man???

I guess all your “friends, fans and followers” would call her names, like they did to me, when I was only made you angry with my tweets and letters…so before you judge or defend someone, make sure you are looking at things in different point of views...as it's really hurts when someone is cheating on you, who you was trusting...

It's hurts me nobody ever defended me..I have to do everything alone, even I really need a real friend who I can take advice from and who can inspire me to keep going...as people around me “knocking” me down, when I tell them about the way I want to start a new life..it’s easier not to tell anyone anything anymore.

I saw you already deleted a few of your tweets, how things was developing between Rob, Kris and Rupert. Is that mean she was telling you things and in the few hours was turned out the photos wasn’t photo shopped??
And I just can’t understand, why is she really upset for? To lose Rob or because she got exposed and everyone can see who is she really??
How I see it, she have no reason to cry and be upset, because she is not a victim, she was the one who caused the problem herself by cheating on her “love”...

Whatever.. I don’t care, as I was never a “fan type” of person, I never really read gossips about other people’s personal life, I just came across with them in the news, because of your name made headlines now.

…anyway it’s not my business, I have enough problem of my own, but I just wish you can actually see what is really going on in real life..who your “real life friends” are… I just don’t want to see you be hurt by anyone, because you believe them…you are a good person, you are very compassionate, please look after yourself and don’t be blinded by a pretty face…I just wish you can see beneath her words, what person is inside her…
I hope I am wrong, and she is a good person and worth to fight for….

I just don’t want you to fall in the same trap like I did with the ex, I only started to see the real person inside him, the shallow, manipulative, emotionless selfish someone who was using me….and not to mention my own sister, who I was defending so many times, I trusted her..I loved her so much….and look what she done to me too…it’s hurts me so much….

I know to opening up my heart to you had it's 'benefits" because made me think of my life and where I am heading.
Without you, I really believe I would have died from the pain in my heart what was building up over the years...I am sort of "happy" I met you accidentally on twitter...but in the same time knowing you hurts me so much, because I realized it I lost you forever now.

I never had a real friend in all my life, as I was always kept my deep thoughts and feelings in myself, because deep down I knew nobody will ever understand me who I am…..I made a mistake to open up for you, but I am not regretting it, as I started to know myself better by just writing to you, even you hardly wrote back to me...I feel still so very confused about what is going on around me, what is my life about..why I have to be here in this world...yes I do know, I am a mother for my two kids and they need me. They are the reason I get up every morning...

..so maybe that's why I had to paint sometimes, when my emotions was just too much to hide them inside me....the only time I feel free in my soul, when I am standing front of the blank white canvas and let my hands express how I feel deep inside me...maybe if you look at my latest painting in the bottom of this post, what I just finished a few days ago……maybe you would understand how I feel..I know it's looks horrible, but I don't care what people think of me looking at it...a few days ago, one of my sleepless nights I wanted to paint something "sellable" nice romantic stuff, hoping to earn some money with it....but my feelings inside me was stronger than my will...and once I finished the eye, I was trying to write some words on the background to express my emotions..but I wasn’t happy with it, so how I was smoothing the writing out with my palette knife...then something gone over me and I just started scratch the lines, and how the noise of the palette knife was hitting the canvas and when I saw the white background came through the dark oil paint...in the weird way that made me feel better..it was like a therapy for me..I felt some pain from my past what I was hiding deep inside me, just came to surface for everyone to see it...and when I finished scratching the wounds ..it's gave me a warm feeling in my heart and my spirit freed up a little, like I was flying for a few moments…it was a very weird, but very nice feeling...I know it's sound crazy, but that how I felt on that night when I was creating that painting, and every time I am look at it, gives me that good feeling, even it will look a bit scary for some people..

So that's how I feel exactly inside me, cried out all my tears and only my blood can come out..I feel I have turned inside out to show my scars in my soul...it's very hard to explain with words how I really feel..it's must sound I am insane..I am so sorry to bother you with this stupid long message, I don’t think you will ever read it….and even if you read it, you don’t want to understand me..and why would you care about me?? ..I am not even your friend, as you said to me earlier..and the only advice you will give me to get some professional help....but I still wanted to write down a last time for you how I feel...how you make me feel...

Thank you for "helping" me unintentionally to change my life for better, even it's ruined at the moment, but I am hoping one day things will get better for me..
One last thing I wanted to ask, did you received my painting last year what I made for your nephew?? What you was doing with it?? ..as you promissed you will take a photo for me, but you never did...that's hurts me so much not knowing what happened with my gift I made for him...

I wish you all the best and I hope you will find someone who can make you feel trully loved and make you feel happy in your soul...make you stop feeling lonely in your heart when your are sleepless at nights..
I am so so sorry to make you sad sometimes, you are a good person and stay that way...

The thing is, I am so very tired of explaining myself to people..it's my last attempt.... it's just prove it, I was wrong to open up..now I try to keep my thoughts and feelings inside me again…. I hope I can achieve my dreams one day…or I will fail big time..

2 comments:

Hotel in Lido di Jesolo said...

I am glad that I stumbled on such an interesting blog.

Anonymous said...

feeling the same way