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10 July 2012

..to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man...

Since I've read someones tweet in the beginning of April..I just can't stop thinking about it, as I totally disagree with it. I thought I can forget about it, but I need to write it down now how I feel... I want that person to understand me, who I am really....
So this was the tweet, what is playing in my mind for over two months now:

"It's hard for every single person out there. We ALL have problems. It's how we choose to deal with them that defines us."
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I HAVE to reply to this tweet, as it's effecting my life at the moment, what happened to me in the last months, and I don't think my actions defined me who I am really...so, here is my opinion:

It's not how we choose to deal with our problems defines us..It's the way of our CIRCUMSTANCES let us to choose to deal with our problems that defines us.

So it will be always our circumstances what we was born in, are the ones what defines our actions, but not defines us as a person...what kind of feelings we have deep inside our hearts..WHO WE  REALLY ARE..or who we want to be.... Please let me explain:

Imagine... you realize it one day, everything you believed in was a LIE..your life was built on lies..you tried your best to make people HAPPY around you, because you was caring for them, you gave your life for them, you just wanted to give them a better life what you had when you was a child...you wanted to give them a father....and by that you was lying to yourself unintentionally...
Then one day you realized it, you CAN NOT carry on like that anymore...something happened to you..accidentally you "met" someone who made you think about yourself just for once...made you think how you really feel...made you remember your DREAMS, what you buried deep inside you a very long time ago, because that was what other people wanted from you...

..that special person made you STOP and LOOK BACK on your life, what you have achieved...and by that: made you think about where you are GOING in life...

...because to keep going on like how you lived before, made you realize it, that will kill you very very soon, as you become sick physically by being unhappy...you forgot how to smile..not like just a grin on your face, but smile from your heart....

..and after when you have realized, you HAVE TO change your life, and you are trying to be TRUE TO YOURSELF just once in your life...

..so you try to change your life for better, by leaving a bad situation, and try to start new....
.. but how the days pass, instead of things should get better, you realise everything is against you... accidentally you find out more and more horrible things from your ex husband, who you was trusting for 15.5 years..
...so you try to change your life for better, but you just can't do it, as you became financially insecure.. because you can not work and create as you used to..
..as your nerves giving up on you... you can not concentrate.. your hands are shaking all the time.. you find yourself you HAVE to write about your PRIVATE LIFE in public, to let your customers know why you can't create and take on new orders anymore.. why you are acting so weird lately... why you had to close some of your shops..

...you are slowly ruining yourself even more financially and emotionally......

You try it so hard, but every angle you try to move on, you just can not BRAKE OUT of a CIRCLE you found yourself in.... so your circumstances what you was born in, finally RUIN you, and make you to CHOOSE to DEAL with your problems the way you really DO NOT want to.. but you have to do it, even that will be mean, everything is around you will be totally ruined...you know you will lose everything what was so important to you before, but that doesn't matter anymore, as you realized it, everything you was believed in, and what you was building your life on was just a lie...

So it's not always our FREE CHOICE to deal with our problems..
I'm embarrassed by the way I have/had to deal with things, but I HAD to do it..
You need to look at the WHOLE picture first, before you judge someone...

As everyone WAS BORN into a LIFESTYLE, and if you are the unlucky one, because life haven't give you a good family, or you was born on the "wrong" part of the Earth.. as I experienced so many times in my life, it's very important what passport you are holding if you want to achieve your dreams....so if you want to break out of the circumstances you was born in.... it will take a lots of WORK, STRENGTH and LUCK to change your life for better...strength what you haven't got anymore....
And I've arrived to the point, why I was decided to write about this tweet..let's me try to explain to you what I meant on the circumstances you was born into.
Imagine you was born into a good wealthy family, whom have no financial problems, you had a great life..you did always what you wanted to do..got everything, even things what you was never needed..
You was never suffered from embarrassment about you had to wear "hand me down" clothes..wear high ankle autumn shoes at summer, when everyone was wearing sandals...to try to understand why you can't drink more than one glass of milk, even you still felt hungry...try to understand why your mom cutting up one banana into four pieces, to share it with your siblings...to understand why other kids have things already what you only can dream of...to understand your parents just haven't got any money to buy food sometimes...I know they are silly examples, but I can tell you so many stories of my life, how I had to grow up...anyway...that circumstances made me a person who I am now..made me a person with low self esteem....

..so you grew up in a good way..then one day something bad happens to you..obviously not a sort of thing what was happening to me, as you grew up in a good family, where you was learned to be PROUD who you are.. you was learning to do not let yourself treat badly by others, because you are not depending on no one..but even you grew up in a good way, something bad happens to you, what you can not deal with.
What will you do?? ..I guess you do something what makes you happy..makes you feel good in yourself.
But what do you need, to do things or go somewhere where you feel better and get some energy and strength to put your life back together in order??
You need MONEY to travel, going to your favorite restaurants and eat your favorite meals, buy yourself a new watch, jewelry or clothes, go to the cinema to take your mind away from your problems..to help you dream...or just pamper yourself in a gym or health spa and let your "wounds" heal and make yourself stronger for bad things don't hurt you as much next time..
So you CAN DO anything you wish for to make yourself better..you do not have to worry about financial problems, how you will survive day by day, while you can't work anymore, because you feel so depressed, hopeless and feel exhausted all the time..

Your circumstances allows you to keep your dignity.....

You don't have to worry about how you will make money to look after your two kids alone...because you don't want to start a new relationship with any guy in your daily life, just for the sake of not being ALONE...even you want nothing more than being loved by a special person... to experience the feeling of the TRUE LOVE just once in your life, what you was dreaming about since you was a young girl...

So you don't need to make yourself an absolute idiot front of people, by writing personal stuff on your blog, just try to explain yourself why can't you keep your shops open..explain to strangers how you feel yourself DEEP IN YOUR HEART..
To make them aware of your situation and make them appreciate your work what you can ONLY OFFER in this difficult time of your life...
To make them aware they can support you in a way to survive this horrible time in your life by buying your art and keep your dreams alive and with their purchase they help you to go a step closer to achieve your dreams, what you was giving up for your family many, many years ago, because you was devoted for them, and looked after them and spent all your energy to make them a HOME...

So when someone says that, our actions how we solve our problems defines us, it's so NOT TRUE... Correct me if I am wrong, I would like to hear your opinion about this, to help me to understand life..to help me to see things from a different angle how other people see them...


I feel so sad and embarrassed by they way I had to act and deal with things in the past..that WAS NOT ME.. that was only my circumstances dictating me what I had to do..
I feel, I am a better person than how I was acting in the last months...I never ever wanted to hurt anyone in all my life...so what should I do now...what can I do next????
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I feel ashamed by the fact I had to put a charges against my ex-husband..I few days ago I was asking the police women who is dealing with his case, what other options I had when I found out about that underage child pornography on the ex laptop??
She told me, I done what every person SHOULD DO in my situation..it doesn't matter who is the person is, as not to inform the police it would made me supporting a serious crime...
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...but to report him, what makes me???
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I am the one, who is still having SLEEPLESS NIGHTS about finding out that horrible truth about him, who I was trusting and give my life to and gave him two beautiful children...

I am the one, who is not sleeping and thinking all the time what will happen with us next??
I am the one who is suffers in every minutes of the thoughts who I was living with..I feel disgusted by it...and even that I still feel horrible to give him up to the police...because even we are divorcing, but he is still the father of my two kids ...
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And seems to me, everyone is forgetting in the divorce court hearing what was the reason I wanted to divorce him in the first place, when I decided I have to stop and to be true to myself for once in my life....they seems to ignore the fact, I wanted to end our marriage, because I couldn't take any more emotional and physical pain, I couldn't take any more verbal abuse, I couldn't take any more humiliation ...
I am the one who is sitting in court and listening how the ex lies, how he twist things to his own way....I am the one who felt horrible, when the judge was mentioning to me, with a tone in her voice: "You was the one who reported your husband to the police.."

And even I KNOW THE TRUTH what really happened....I only find out about his "interest" few weeks later I filed the divorce papers in...so that was not the reason I wanted to divorce him because what the ex had on his laptop hard-drive... THAT JUST MADE IT WORST, because I tried to believe he was a good father, even he taught so many bad things to the kids...
But now I don't trust him anymore with my kids, I lost my trust in him forever...it doesn't matter how the police investigation will end..he will be always guilty to me...
I've seen some of them images and videos..I've seen enough to know it now for sure, who is he really...
I DO BELIEVE, anyone who is interested that kind of stuff, like a child porn, is 100% sure can not be a good father...

And even the court haven't divorced as just yet, my marriage was ended in that minute on April 15th 2011...when I told him I want to divorce him, because he makes me very unhappy how he treating me..the pain being sad all the time hurts me and eventually that suffering pain will kill me if I stay with him any longer...it's not good for the kids to see me sad and being hurt all the time....and even that night, when I told him, he was still try to twist my feelings and tried to manipulate me to change my mind and made me cry again, because he tried to make me believe, he is my best friend....he was never ever my best friend, because a "best friend" should not hurt me, should not hit me...should not cheat on me with my own sister and my friends...

...so I was divorced from him on that night....it's just a matter of paperwork now which will really mean nothing to me...so he can drag the divorce as long as he want it, the next court hearing will be on the 27th September 2012 at 13.00pm.

So that's why I had to reply to that tweet, what is saying our actions how we solve our problems defines us..it's so NOT TRUE, because I was pushed into the corner to do things what I was NEVER EVER wanted to do..but I HAD to do it, because that was the RIGHT thing to do, even was hurting me to do it...
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...so what kind of person it's makes me then??? What do you think who I became ???

I feel horrible in myself....I think that's how must Marshall (Eminem) feels sometimes to write about his life in his songs..but the thing is:
Some people HAVEN'T BEEN GIVEN a choice to act in a way how they feel THEY SHOULD ACT DEEP in their HEART ...

I will have to live with this forever now...no matter what..

I've TRIED to be TRUE to MY HEART and look where it's got me...