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09 February 2012

Welcome back my lost Love...

..my true love, who was always here for me, you are the only one for me to make me feel good, make me feel happy in my heart and my soul...who will never cheat on me whatever happens, even when I get older every day. Who was never interested in my look, how young, or pretty I am...or I haven't got any money, or what family I came from....who was only interested the true real me, who I am inside my soul...
Do you want to know who is that? Here is my story...

Yesterday I gone for an early morning walk, after I took my kids to school.
It was so cold, -11 Celsius, and everything was covered with fresh snow...why is snow always makes look everything like an enchanted forest??
..so I was walking in the Castle park, where is my kids school. And walking in the quiet forest all alone, made me realise things, who I am, where I am going in my life..
My head was full with questions, and no one was there for me to answer it......
It's just so weird, how I was walking and thinking about my life, what this is all about.. I saw signs and I took a photo of them, and I am showing some of them for you now, to understand how I feel inside.
That walk made me realise, I will be always alone in the rest of my life, because for some reason God did not wanted me to have a real love in my life, what only one very special person can give me...I don't know why he decided this way, but I think I started to realise it slowly what is the reason for me to be in this world.
First of all, I am a mother for my two kids, and I try to look after them as much I can, I try to guide them to grow up to be happy adults.
It's very difficult at the moment, as we are going through a very hard time, but I am hoping one day everything will be sorted, and we can start a new life, only the three of us.

This photo is represent my two kids and me. Three little seeds in the cold snow...
I am the one who still inside the freezing snow, try to find my way out in this last months....All the bad things happened to us, it's cold as a snow, but it's always a hope to them seeds to take a root somewhere, when the sun will melt the snow...

When I was a child, I remember to be feeling so lonely in my heart, I never had a good friend who I can talk to, how I really felt deep in my heart, never had anybody in my life to tell my dreams and my fears...

I though when I got married, that's it, my husband will be my "best friend", I thought he was, but just now I realised, he never was my best friend, as he could not possibly, because he never loved me, he used me, he was hurting me so much, and real friends never hurt each other. I thought I was telling him sometimes my deep thoughts, but I only realised it now, them thoughts of mine were only from the surface...the real me was hiding inside me deep down and sometimes came out in my creations, in my paintings.
A few months ago I opened up my heart for someone I felt a connection with, but I have learnt since, it was a mistake to do that...so today I decided to close my heart again and keep my feelings inside me, as I did before. When I saw that gate a little open, I felt it, that is the only way for me to express, how I felt for a few months....I left the gate a little bit open to let that person in, but that person decided to not to enter...so I am locking the gate again.... I don't want to be hurt anymore.
Now on, people can peek through the fence if they want, as it's made out of wire, to see my feelings through my art...but I will never let anyone close to my soul again.
How I was saying in one of my facts: "Creating is my life, I can't live without..." I just realised yesterday, that was so true, that wasn't just an empty sentence, without any meaning.
I try to add at least one photo every day to my Etsy shop...only a little at a time, one step after the next....as I am not recovered yet, so I can only edit a few photo in a day. I tried to draw last night, but I have failed...

So.. I realised it yesterday in my walk, I was never alone, I always had my art, where I was escaping when I been hurt, my art was always there for me...it is my "real love".
Even knowing, art is not a real person, but I guess that's what life dealt me, I can't change that....and do you know what?? ...I am sort of happy I found myself a little already, to realise I have to be alone in the rest of my years, at least I know now what to expect.
Now I understand all them big artists, why they lived alone, why they never met anyone who can love them truly, who they are....because never ever anyone understood their sensitive feelings, and thoughts, people are though they are crazy, just because they were thinking differently as usual...and I am not talking about painters only, I am talking about "Eminem", how Marshall sing about it, he can "only" sing, he can't love someone truly, he thought he did, but he realised it in the end, people was just using him....anyway.. 
It's just so sad, some people have to live lonely, but I will not live with someone just not to be alone.
I feel a little happy I found my passion, my love again for creating, I thought I lost it over the months, but nice and slowly my love for the art is coming back to me. I so needed it, to gain a little strength from it.
Even I still can't paint yet, but I am hoping one day I can pick up a brush again, and I can express myself through my paintings, but until then I will try to show my feelings through my photographs, using different editing techniques on my favorite images.
So, you know it now who is the real love in my life, who will be always here for me, who will never cheat on me, who will never hurt me, who will make me happy in my soul....who want me the way I am...

"My art is about sharing what is in my heart. I don't create to please the world, but I create to express and share myself with anyone who is willing to embrace it... Marianna G. Mills"

4 comments:

Nancy van den Boom said...

Happy to hear you found your creativity again, Marianna. And you really never know about the future ;-) xx

l'actrice said...

I'm glad you found your lost love again:-)

Anonymous said...

Stand on your ground, never let him win again! Nothing would be worse than being an old loner!

Anonymous said...

I too went through a devastating divorce. I too, closed the gate, after 19 years of marriage,.. finding out that 12 of them were a lie. I went on to raise my 3 children alone, however spent a long time 'getting away' from him.

Years later, a dear friend from my past came back into my life. Someone I'd known since age 10. I trusted for the first time in 20 years.

You NEVER know what lies around the next bend. Your art is beautiful. I'm so sorry you closed your shop and hope sometime you will open again. You have great talent, which is from deep within you. Trust yourself, love yourself, you are the gift. Things will work out.

From my heart.
Cathy