09 February 2012

Welcome back my lost Love... true love, who was always here for me, you are the only one for me to make me feel good, make me feel happy in my heart and my soul...who will never cheat on me whatever happens, even when I get older every day. Who was never interested in my look, how young, or pretty I am...or I haven't got any money, or what family I came from....who was only interested the true real me, who I am inside my soul...
Do you want to know who is that? Here is my story...

Yesterday I gone for an early morning walk, after I took my kids to school.
It was so cold, -11 Celsius, and everything was covered with fresh snow...why is snow always makes look everything like an enchanted forest?? I was walking in the Castle park, where is my kids school. And walking in the quiet forest all alone, made me realise things, who I am, where I am going in my life..
My head was full with questions, and no one was there for me to answer it......
It's just so weird, how I was walking and thinking about my life, what this is all about.. I saw signs and I took a photo of them, and I am showing some of them for you now, to understand how I feel inside.
That walk made me realise, I will be always alone in the rest of my life, because for some reason God did not wanted me to have a real love in my life, what only one very special person can give me...I don't know why he decided this way, but I think I started to realise it slowly what is the reason for me to be in this world.
First of all, I am a mother for my two kids, and I try to look after them as much I can, I try to guide them to grow up to be happy adults.
It's very difficult at the moment, as we are going through a very hard time, but I am hoping one day everything will be sorted, and we can start a new life, only the three of us.

This photo is represent my two kids and me. Three little seeds in the cold snow...
I am the one who still inside the freezing snow, try to find my way out in this last months....All the bad things happened to us, it's cold as a snow, but it's always a hope to them seeds to take a root somewhere, when the sun will melt the snow...

When I was a child, I remember to be feeling so lonely in my heart, I never had a good friend who I can talk to, how I really felt deep in my heart, never had anybody in my life to tell my dreams and my fears...

I though when I got married, that's it, my husband will be my "best friend", I thought he was, but just now I realised, he never was my best friend, as he could not possibly, because he never loved me, he used me, he was hurting me so much, and real friends never hurt each other. I thought I was telling him sometimes my deep thoughts, but I only realised it now, them thoughts of mine were only from the surface...the real me was hiding inside me deep down and sometimes came out in my creations, in my paintings.
A few months ago I opened up my heart for someone I felt a connection with, but I have learnt since, it was a mistake to do today I decided to close my heart again and keep my feelings inside me, as I did before. When I saw that gate a little open, I felt it, that is the only way for me to express, how I felt for a few months....I left the gate a little bit open to let that person in, but that person decided to not to I am locking the gate again.... I don't want to be hurt anymore.
Now on, people can peek through the fence if they want, as it's made out of wire, to see my feelings through my art...but I will never let anyone close to my soul again.
How I was saying in one of my facts: "Creating is my life, I can't live without..." I just realised yesterday, that was so true, that wasn't just an empty sentence, without any meaning.
I try to add at least one photo every day to my Etsy shop...only a little at a time, one step after the I am not recovered yet, so I can only edit a few photo in a day. I tried to draw last night, but I have failed...

So.. I realised it yesterday in my walk, I was never alone, I always had my art, where I was escaping when I been hurt, my art was always there for is my "real love".
Even knowing, art is not a real person, but I guess that's what life dealt me, I can't change that....and do you know what?? ...I am sort of happy I found myself a little already, to realise I have to be alone in the rest of my years, at least I know now what to expect.
Now I understand all them big artists, why they lived alone, why they never met anyone who can love them truly, who they are....because never ever anyone understood their sensitive feelings, and thoughts, people are though they are crazy, just because they were thinking differently as usual...and I am not talking about painters only, I am talking about "Eminem", how Marshall sing about it, he can "only" sing, he can't love someone truly, he thought he did, but he realised it in the end, people was just using him....anyway.. 
It's just so sad, some people have to live lonely, but I will not live with someone just not to be alone.
I feel a little happy I found my passion, my love again for creating, I thought I lost it over the months, but nice and slowly my love for the art is coming back to me. I so needed it, to gain a little strength from it.
Even I still can't paint yet, but I am hoping one day I can pick up a brush again, and I can express myself through my paintings, but until then I will try to show my feelings through my photographs, using different editing techniques on my favorite images.
So, you know it now who is the real love in my life, who will be always here for me, who will never cheat on me, who will never hurt me, who will make me happy in my soul....who want me the way I am...

"My art is about sharing what is in my heart. I don't create to please the world, but I create to express and share myself with anyone who is willing to embrace it... Marianna G. Mills"

03 February 2012

Lies, lies and more lies... When it will be over?

I've started writing this post three days after the court hearing, but I had to stop, as I felt so close to throw up every time when I was thinking back what happened in the court... Over three weeks on, I am still feeling pretty sick over it, but I have to write out some of the stuff from myself and finish this post and publish it.
This might make me feel better and move on a little with my, here it is:

Took me days I can write about what happened in the court, on my second divorce hearing.
Even I was expecting the ex will lie again, but what I have heard was gone well over my expectation...
Makes me sick, just to remember how he was lying in my face and smiling, with his weird, evil grin.

The whole divorce hearing was 4 hours long, 1.5 hours was spent on explaining for the ex, what's happen after when two people divorce. The court paid an interpreter for him, and his lawyer speaks fluently English too, but he still had a problem to understand things, and not because he can't understand the Hungarian language.
It was clear for him what people were saying to him, he understood every word of it what was said in the court room. I was listening to his replies to people and was watching his reactions to everything what he heard and he understood what was going on there. The problem was with him (as always) he just did not want to except the facts what he have to do, and to decide about very important things, to close our marriage down, and finish it once for all.
The judge told him, she can divorce us that afternoon, if we can agree on 6 things. We did agreed on the most important 5 things:
1., I will look after both of the kids, they are staying with me, as I am a good mother, and I was the one always, who was looking after the kids alone, especially while he was away regularly for weeks during the five years since we are living in Hungary.
2., He agreed he can only see the kids in a restricted times, while I am at present, until his Police investigations are over. He can not take the kids anywhere alone until he find not guilty.
As a mother, I had to limit the access to the kids, because I am  not trusting him anymore, I have realised he is not a good father. I tried to believe over the years he is a good father, but I was so blind, I overlooked so many of his bad parenting while he was home with us for that short period of time.
I have realised in the last months, his presence was doing more damage in the kids, than not having him around us at all.
I so wanted to give my kids a better childhood what I had, I wanted to give them a complete family...a father, but all my attempts to live with someone who clearly was just using me wasn't enough...
I know it's not my fault my marriage didn't work, I know I have done everything what one could, but still I feel bad now... I feel I have failed.

3., I agreed I will only receive the minimum amount of child support, which is £180/month per child, so it's £360/month for the two kids. The kids are entitled to have £800-900/month, but I wanted to help the ex, as my intentions were not to ruin him, because one way I was feeling sorry for him, as I really believe he is mentally ill....but after seeing him what he done in the court later on that day, and how he lied and twisted things around for his own benefit, I will ask for the maximum payment next time. Why should I make my kids suffer any more not to have enough money to buy things, when he clearly don't care about them. He still owe them £920 backdated child support.
And I give you one fact here what an inconsiderate person he is.
While he was agreed to pay the minimum amount child support for his children, which is only £360/month for food, clothing, holiday...etc., he is paying his lawyer £800/day for each court can you justify that???
The next morning of the court hearing, he came into the school to say bye to the kids, but even my little girl didn't wanted to say nothing to him or kiss him, as my kids are not stupid, they can see me suffer every day of their father's doings. Gigi is always mentioning my hands are shaking so much, Edward try not to say nothing, because he is older and he knows he shouldn't tell me things like that, to not to upset me even more...
So... Gigi run into the school, away from her father, and Edward who is 15 years old, he tried to save his little sister from his own father, not to grab her and force her to give him a kiss. I was a little far behind them, as everything happened too fast, I saw my son try to save his sister, and the ex was pushing Edward that was the scene what I never ever wanted to see, that's broke my heart and I was so upset and angry in the same time. I believed he was recording it all on his iPhone, he must be so "proud" of himself idea whom he want to show that video, what he want to prove with that??? Maybe he want to show it to the court next time, how he try to pressure the kids, when the kids are clearly don't want to have a contact with him??? Anyway, he told me on that morning, he don't care about the court order, he will not give any more child support for the kids, and he will make us suffer and he will ruin me totally financially and emotionally...

But back to what happened in the court:
4., he agreed the kids and me to use the house.
5., we agreed on the house.
When the judge was asking him the final part, the 6th item... he just couldn't made his mind up. The question was for him: to give a list or some sort, what he want to take away from the house with his personal belongings. The judge meant like, the sofa, tv, fridge...etc. The ex was gone all stupid and he couldn't answer the question, what he really need or want from the house. He was saying he want his "life" back...
The judge explained to him, she can not give his "life", he have to decide what he want from the house.

To make a decision easier for the ex, I was even offering him, he can take away everything from the house (except the kids beds and toys), he can leave the house totally empty for us, I don't care anymore about items, I just want a new start with my kids and not to feel stressed, sad, scared about the divorce procedure. I just want to close that part of my life down. I was even offering him again, if "everything" mean that much to him, why he just not pay me off (as he got his family inheritance, his share is approx. £160.000), and I will leave the house with the kids and he can have his "life back".
But that wasn't enough for him... he wanted more...
but I don't think he know exactly what he really want, he never did...he was even asking for the house key, to coming in and out as he wish after we divorced. Even the judge was sort of freaked out of that idea, and she was asking him, what he meant by that?? Then the judge explained to the ex, when two people are divorced, they have two option: 1., To live together under one roof after the divorce.
2., To live separate and he can not have a key to the house again, as he can not expect me to let him in and out of the house after we divorced, because the kids and me are not trusting him anymore and scared of him.
While I was listening to the judge, how she tried to explaining facts to the ex several times...I felt sorry for her, and I felt so embarrassed, I was married to the "man" for 15.5 years....
anyway, sadly I can not turn back the time and change that now. So the judge after 1.5 hours trying to explain basic facts to the ex, she gave up on him and she started the divorce hearing.
The part I never ever wanted to happen, as talking about the past what the ex done to me during that 15.5 years, hurts me in the same way, as it's happened years ago...
But before the judge started it all, she was explaining to the ex several times, she could divorce us on that day, to make it easier for the children and both of us, and will cost less money for everyone if we can agree on that 6th item (what he want to take away from the house with his personal belongings).
She explained to the ex, it doesn't matter how long the divorce hearings will take now, in the end he will still need to decide about that 6th item...
...but obviously the ex is so thick, he just can't get it, so I had to start talking about what happened in the past 15.5 years while we lived together...which made me so sad and stressed to talk about it in public again, how he ruined me physically and mentally, how he raped me a few days after when my son was born, how he was manipulating me over the years, how he punched me so hard in the face one dinner time in the UK, he broke my nose, just because "someone" made him upset at work, how he pulled the phone wire out of the wall with the socket, when I tried to call the I was crying all night when my nose was bleeding and how petrified was my son and me, I will never forget that night, I was too scared to close my eyes, I was so scared the ex will come in my son's bedroom and kill as both..and I was thinking all night what will happens next....then how he was threatening me the next day, he told me will kill both of us if I tell anybody what he done the night before, and nobody will believe me, because I was "only" a Hungarian in the UK, and they will believe just writing it all down again now, makes me so sad and makes me cry again...and I told the judge, how he was spiting in my face regularly front of the kids, just no reason at all, because someone or something made him angry, and I was there to hurt someone, without the fear I will fight back...
He is a very strong man, every time he had a road rage with someone, every men was scared of him and they never wanted to have a fight with him. He looks very scary when he is angry, because he can't control himself at all, he told me many times he just see "red" and nothing and no one can or will ever stop him, he do what he wants. I gone through hell again in that afternoon.....and I couldn't really tell everything at all, because a few hours it's not enough to say it all...and sometimes I feel nobody is care anyway, I am just wasting my breath...

I couldn't tell, how he was holding my head and hit it repeatedly to the wall so hard, it's still showing a lump on the left side of my forehead, especially now it's really visible, because I am losing weight rapidly still and my face gone so skinny now....
how he knocked me to the floor, when I was heavy pregnant with my son, I was scared I will lose my baby, because I was falling to the floor he was smacking me with a wet towel, when I tried to move away from his arm's reach...
 how he was shouting in my face all the time, he will kill me and I am just a nobody, useless person in this world....
 how he was leaving the kids and me on the motorway in Germany without any money or passport, he done that a few times, in Hungary too, when I was 8 months pregnant with my son...
when a few times I wanted to leave him in England, he took my passport and credit cards and money away from my purse..and even that I decided to leave the next morning with my son, when he gone to work, he threatened  me, he will find us wherever I will go,and don't even think to go to the police, because they will never believe me, as I have no witness and I knew, everyone will believe him, as he is a charmer and he can act like an intelligent person...and I have learnt by then, many people are pretty racist in the UK, so I had no chance to even explain myself that time, I was so alone there too, I had nowhere to go with my little boy...
I had to learn live with that "man" and have sex when he wanted it. After he raped me, I was in a deep shock, as I couldn't tell anyone, I felt so embarrassed front of myself, he done that to me, I did not wanted to happen again, so I sort of let him to do it...I tried all the excuses you can imagine to not to let him near me, I even eat so much and gained weight to make myself ugly and fat, but that not stopped him to find me attractive....on 2001.1st of July (I know that exact date, as I wrote it down in my diary), and I still remember so clearly what happened.. we was in Liverpool in a hotel and he wanted to have sex again, and I thought we are in a "safe" place, so I tried to not let him to do it...but he hit me several times, then he forced me down to the bed, holding my mouth not to scream and he raped me again....he didn't know I will not scream, as my 5 years old son was sleeping in the same room, and I did not wanted him to wake up and see what his father was doing to me...then when he finished he hit me again, why did I just lay there like a "log", and he told me it's something wrong with me, because I can't enjoy sex, I am not a "real" woman....the next morning I was broken down in tears in the breakfast area, and the cleaner was asking me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell her, as I was scared of the ex and I knew no one will believe me....
 then I got pregnant with my little girl, and I thought things will get better for us...but I only realised it now, I was the one who changed over the years, I "buried my head in the sand" every time the ex was hurting me, I was escaping to my fantasy world where creating and painting took my pain away..., so many many cruel things he done to me, he kicked my bed several times during the night (while he was going in the kitchen for his nighttime snacks) to wake me up and don't let me sleep through the night, he ruined me totally and makes me so sad I only realised it a few months ago, how much he was emotionally manipulating me over the years.
The worst thing is, every day I remember more and more..I tried to forget them, but all the bad memories are coming back to me, which is so hard to get over and try to move on...I just still feel in shock and feel drained down and I feel exhausted., the next divorce hearing will be on the 3rd of April 2012 at 1pm, and I have no hope anymore will be end that day. I just wish I have enough money to pay the ex off to get him out of my life, and leave us alone. I know he only interested in the money, nothing else is important to him, never was.
I never want to see him again, and I do not want to have anything to do with him anymore.
But sadly life is not that simple, I know I will have to go through hell, and I am just so worried I am not that strong to keep going.
I know it's all my fault to be here, where I am now, I sort of left him to do whatever he wanted to do with me.... but looking back, I still believe I had no other choice.
I know to read all this, what happened to me, it's sounds unbelievable, and I haven't told everything yet, as I can't write about some things in public still, not to interfere with the ex police maybe it seems too much what I have gone through, and I know people can't understand, why just now I've realised things, why I lived like that for 15.5 years??? ...believe me, when it's happening to you, you are right in the middle of this, you just can't see it what is going on around you...until you have enough, you can't take any more pain and your body gives up on you, and you having stress attacks at nights for over a year, then you accidentally come across to know someone, who you feel a connection with, and who you can trust for some reason...then you open up your heart and try to be true to yourself just for once in your that was happened to me.

I wanted to write about what the ex was lying about, what is his reasons to divorce me...but today I was thinking it's no point to write anything down what he was laying in the court, because they are only his lies, so they don't matter.
Today I was thinking lots again about it, what was going on in the court, and one thing is really bothering me...I just feel so unfair what was happening there.
The thing is, when I decided back in last year beginning of April I want to divorce that "man" after I realised my life is just not worth living like that anymore...I just had enough...I can't take anymore pain, I tried to live with someone who never deserved me, who was treated me so badly from the right of the beginning of our marriage, I can not let my kids to see me suffer and being unhappy every day...and to be scared in every second in my life, when is the ex will start on me again.... I realised it that time, life is just too short to live like that..and when I see my kids to suffer from it too, I had to draw a line and say it to myself: "That's it, I can't do this no more, I need to change my life!" when the judge was asking the ex, what is his reasons to divorce me, I felt it's so unfair to even asking him that question, because until the court date, he did not wanted to divorce me, he was begging me on the phone a day before not to divorce. I know exactly his reasons are not because he is "madly in love" with me...maybe he is...anyway,so I really believe he just don't want to lose his comfort. Because all this 15.5 years we lived together, I was the one who done nearly everything, sorting the bills out, cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids, booking his flight tickets, washing, I was the one who was dealing with the builders and plans and paper works when the house was built and when we moved here..I was doing everything, even working from home, so that is his reason he just don't want to give all this up.
I can say it now, I was his slave in every way you can imagine, and because he is worried to not to have me, who he can hurt and pick on regularly, because the ex needs that constant feeling, he is "owns" someone.
I just feel so sick and sad to only realise it now, when is too late.
What I know and feel at the moment...I am ruined totally in every way... I am exhausted, and I feel I have no energy left in me to keep "fighting" for my rights to be free and happy.

And this saying is so true, I was always believed it, and now I will learn it in the hard way:
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger." question is: Will I survive it??? ...will I be strong enough to keep going, where will I get my energy from?? ...questions,questions and nobody can answer it for me...I feel so alone.