22 August 2011

I really don't know what I can say..., here I am again after a few weeks of thinking time of what to do next...

The trouble is I haven't really made my final decision yet what I will do.. it's getting harder and harder how is the first divorce court hearing coming up on the middle of September.. the school start soon for my kids in a few days time, bills are coming in faster than I can earn money (the ex haven't give any money for the kids since I left him in April, he don't care what are we living on..I guess, this is one of his plan to make my life harder financially and he is hoping I will have to take him back for that!! ..He really don't know me, I rather not eat, but I would never have him back in my life after what he done with us. If you don't know what I am talking about, please read my earlier blog post: Not Affraid ), soon the ex will take my car away and I have no idea how I will do grocery shopping (we live far away from the town)... so I am feeling pretty depressed about everything..
I wanted to write many times, but I am too scared to do that really important, but so embarrassing blog post I am thinking to write for weeks now..
I want to do it, but I am scared to write it down, but I know until I done that, I will have no rest.
I tried to forget about it in the last 14 years, but I realized to not to talk about it, doesn't make me feel any better or make it like nothing happened years ago.. maybe on one of my sleepless night I will write it all down, when I will be brave enough to do it..
As so many of you know, I closed my shops down on the 10th of August with the intention of not opening them up again, as I am feeling so tired and it's too difficult to concentrate on my orders and I still can not create new designs and can't paint.. only writing can make me feel better.
I would like to say thank you for everybody who was purchasing my works from my stores in the last weeks and made it possible to take my kids on their first real holiday this summer. Without my customers, I couldn't done it.. thank you.
I took my kids to Venice/Italy for a one week vacation, I wish I could had afford to stay there longer, we had a fantastic time there just the three of us. It was so nice to show them such a beautiful places.
The kids loved Venice so much and I surprised them with a trip to the seaside too.
We have spent two days in Jesolo.
They never been in a nice warm seaside like that before. Gigi and Edward loved swimming in the sea and playing in the sand..

Gigi and Edward in Jesolo.

Gigi and me in Venice/Italy. I loved it there, it was so nice to spend some quality time with my kids.
I took so many photos of our holiday, it's so nice to edit them and thinking back on the lovely memories and see myself smiling a little bit on the photos.
To make myself feel better tonight, I was changing down my twitter avatar and background, and my other websites profile pictures.
I wish we can go away again very soon, because this is the only way I could survive all this horrible things happening around me and give me some energy to deal with things.
Gigi and Edward in Venice, they loved it!
It was a nice change for me too, to try getting away from the everyday chores and worries.. but I was still thinking lots of my future alone with my two kids, and still don't know what is next..
..what I know, I need to reopen my shops again to earn money, until I figure this "crap" out, what happened around me in the last months..

I am just hoping things will get better for me soon, because it's just so unbearable at the moment, I feel exhausted.. I really need some rest, but I know I can't have any yet, everything just starting soon, I am so scared what is next..

I need to focus what I need to do to make my kids life better, to start a new life the only three of us, but it's so hard to set a new life up until we are in this family house, where everywhere I look, memories coming back to me.. I hate it..

I just feel alone, so lonely in my heart.. it's hurt so much..
 I am suffering, but I have to be strong for my kids and smile for them, even I don't feel like it..

I took this photo to the way to Italy and was thinking of the saying: "There's always a light at the end of a tunnel.."
... unless it's night time in my case, because this is how I feel at the moment.. I still can not see the light...


l'actrice said...

I'm really glad you took that trip to Italy. Your kids will never forget that. You'll have something to dream about every night. Step by step you are moving away from your past.

Renathe Schneider said...

It's great that you were able to take that trip. Both you and the kids needed it.

Nancy van den Boom said...

Your trip sounds beautiful, Marianna. You gave yourself and your beautiful kids a wonderful time. I am sure it will be day with you one fine day. Light at the end of the tunnel. Enjoy the beautiful memories and look forward, you are a very strong woman together with your kids. x