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31 August 2011

Beautiful...

..this song is playing in my mind for weeks now. I have to write again tonight, because today my day was worst than usual and the information I got today, just unacceptable and I really would like to hear your opinion what do you think of all this... is it only me who think this way, or am I wrong??

I am getting so confused by every day how the times pass by, I am waiting things will get better for my kids and me, but seems to be just getting worst..
Like in my other post in Not Afraid I will write under each song line when I can associate my feelings how Marshall felt when he wrote this song.
 
If you are in here for the first time, I would recommend to read my earlier post Not Afraid first to understand what is going on with me in this last months.


"Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone"
I have been too long on my own with my thoughts, in my private world while I was living with the ex.
Every time he hurt me physically or verbally, I was hiding deep inside this world of mine.. to keep my soul away from him.. because my soul was the only one I had for myself that time..
Some years was harder than the rest, looking at my paintings my hardest part was living with him was in around 2000. That time I was painting the most.. painting give me an escape from reality, like a "drug". When the pain was just so unbearable I started to paint at night and didn't gone to bed until I finished it. That was the only way I managed to stay strong in my soul and keep going.. sadly I only realized it all now a few months ago. As I said before, I had stress attacks nearly every night over a year and they was getting stronger and stronger..my body was telling my brain something was wrong and to make change.

"Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?"
One day I read someones tweet on my timeline and made me look who she was writing it to, and I started reading his tweets and when I read one of his long message to people, I felt strange the similarity of our thinking and what words he was using, like I was reading my own writing.. but that is another story I might tell you that one day.. it's just got too complicated in my mind.. made me confused, but helped me going through every day with my problems, how I found out more and more horrible things about the ex.

"I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump,
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up"
I am so depressed, seems like I can not get out of this slump. Every day I try to think positive, try to work things out in my head, how I can save my kids from any more pain. But just feels like things are getting worst for me. All that money problems I am facing now, I am working so hard to get my bills paid, buy the school books. Tomorrow we are going shopping a school bag for Gigi, because she will start the school after tomorrow, Edward need a new shoes, my teeth implant need to be paid to be finished..etc the list is going on.
Every day I try to get over on things, but every day something else bad thing happens and I really don't know anymore how I can get more strength to keep going on.
I know if I would not took my kids on a week holiday to Italy, I might be better of financially, but we all needed a break and I am not regretting I took them there. It's gave me some energy and to see my kids faces light up and see them smile when they saw the beautiful seaside at the first time and to see them going in to the sea and spend nearly the whole afternoon there.. that memories you can not buy!!
I am so proud of myself I done it for them all alone, from the money from all my hard work, was worth the sleepless nights and busy days. Thank you again for buying my works.

"I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent"
I don't know how or when I ended up in this position I am in.
I am thinking of this all the time why I never noticed anything earlier??? I am looking at my old photos and my eyes look like I am not there, like I have something front of my eyes.. like I was blind.
I think he tried to make me a person with his aggressive, negative and nasty behaviour who I never wanted to be, and that's why my eyes was looking strange and distant... the real me was sitting inside me deep down...
Writing is the only thing what make me feel better at the moment and tell people how I feel deep inside my soul.

"But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet, I know some shit's so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow"
How times gone by and we moved here to Hungary five years ago and I started my business three years ago.
Setting up my own shops on Etsy and work on them to make them successful, that creative work replaced the painting in my life. I was so passionate about to design and create my flowers and jewelry and earn money with it for helping paying the bills.
More I was hurt by the ex verbally, (because in Hungary he did not needed to hit me much, I knew my place by now, when I have to be out of his way or say nothing) more I was working on my shops and escape from reality by it and earn money in the same time.
But now since I realized what was wrong and I have decided to divorce, I lost my passion to design and create. I can not concentrate to do my shops anymore, my hands are shaking when I want to sew or singe the petals, that's why I want to close my shops down very soon.
I wish I can close them down today, but I can not afford to do it, I need to earn money someway to look after my kids.
I got my dreams what I want to do, but I don't know how I will achieve it, I feel weak and tired from all the pain and shock since I found out things what was going on behind my back by the ex..
One thing I know, if I go through it all, I will be stronger than ever, but I wish I have someone who can help me, I feel so lonely in my heart...

"Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes"
To write all this down how I feel, people might can understand what I am going through in this months. It's not "only" a divorce anymore, it's more like to get away from a monster who tried to ruin my kids and my life with his sick brain. He knew was something wrong with him, how many times he was holding his head and cried and said to me is something wrong with his mind..he even promised me to go to see the doctor when he gone back to the UK in April.. so he knew what he was doing, but maybe that one was one of his acting again, I have no idea anymore.

"But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh, they can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you"
I try to stay true to myself, as my friend said in April after I made my decision to divorce and I left the ex..
This words keep me going when I am really down and sad:
"it will feel good because you were true to your heart"

"I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom.."
I am crying still lost of times when my kids can't see me. But today was just too much for me and I was crying nearly all day. I was that upset to be pushed around by the ex still by his solicitor.
He still giving me orders what he want. He want to see my kids when the first court hearing and I am not happy about it all since I know what he was up to on his computer.
When I decided to divorce him in April, the reason was I realized what he done to me all this years and it is not normal to hurt someone and I had enough from the pain he caused me.
But I though even that, I don't want my kids not to have a dad, and I told him can we just be still talk after the divorce for the kids sake and keep the house for them, to not make them suffer anymore by moving to a flat somewhere in the town.
And when I was speaking with my solicitor today, he was telling me all the things what carl wants: sell the house, he take our car away, he will pay child support for the kids.. which is "quite nice" from him, as his previous relation, he haven't paid any child support after his first son. He always told me he don't care about "that" boy at all! That's why he never told my kids he have a son somewhere in the UK.
I do not care about this house at all, I wish I can move away from here in any minute. I only feel sorry for my kids they have to suffer and lose everything they loved, their toys, their comfort just because their father behaving and since three months I knew about his pedophile interest I am not happy him to see or talk to my kids. I feel I am a bad mother if I let them meet. My solicitor said until he is not pleaded guilty, he can do whatever he wants..
My answer for this, in my eyes he is guilty, as I seen what was on his hard drive from underage children having sex with adults, and I only seen a few, because I was nearly vomiting by the disgust and shock who I was living with this long.. so why should I let him to see my kids, when all my bone in my body saying NO!!!

"So why don't you all sit down?
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles.."
I tell you a true story about my mother, what happened to her.
I did not wanted to talk about this, but I was asking her permission today when I called her up for some details I needed to know, and she said I can write about it, but it will be anonymous??
I told her the truth, it's for my blog and after a few second time she said:
"Yes, you can write about it, I should not be ashamed about it, I was only 7 years old... might someone learn from it." she said that while she was crying...
My mother was sexually abused by her father since she was 7 years old.. she told many times to her mom about her private part hurts and why, but my grandmother always told her to stop lying.
So her father kept abusing her until she got married when she was 19 years old. Then her father started sexually abusing her younger sister too who was 7 years old that time, but my mom after few years later one day was finally stood up for herself and her younger sister and my grandfather was arrested and he got a 10 years prison sentence.. but because of his behaving was good, they halved his time and he only spent  5 years in prison..
...
I never forget the time and that horrible cold quite sound when one day he turned up with a suitcase in his hand at my grandmother's house. We was there at that time and we kids didn't know who was that big man in the doorstep.. and since my mother never let us girls stay there alone in that house..
It's many more stories I could say what happened, but not now..I am so sad for my mom to hear her saying to me on the phone:
"Look my little girl, I am 66 years old now, and I am still having nightmares about what happened what my father did to me.. I am still feeling sick about it.. What I can tell you from my experience, not to let your kids be with someone who has that sort of interest. You are a mother for them, your job is to look after them, no matter what!! Do not do like what my mother did to me, she ruined my life with her ignorance..Everybody was scared of your grandfather, he was a judge, he always told me it's normal what he does, he just loves me like as he loves my mother.. but later when I started growing up he was started threatening me to kill us all if I say anything to anybody..he did shot a bullet from his gun once in the ceiling in 1964, luckily nobody was hurt.."
To hear my mom cry like a child how she was telling me the details when I asked her what exactly happened, I felt so sorry for her and I felt I am her mother for a minute...then she said what really hurts her, that man should be there for her to look after her, and save her from other "bad" people and not to do that stuff, what he did to her..

I had to tell you all this, because I told about what happened to my mom to the ex long time ago.
So he knew about it and he still had them photos on his hard drive, I feel like he back stabbed me.
What hurts me the most he was still looking at that kind of photos on the internet day by day..and that's the main reason I don't want him to do anything with my kids anymore.
The minute he decided to view that child porn, that minute he decided to lose his kids. Because I just can not get it, if someone have that kind of sick interest, what is in their mind????
Is it only me who think it's not a normal thing to do??
And I guess his solicitor knew about by now what his client got on his hard drive, so what an earth they can not just tell him, to get a grip in his life and if he love his kids really do not see them again. That is the best thing he can do.
I am not suggesting anything, I only told you about my fears and I only wrote down facts what happened with my mother.

"Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
The reason I have to write all this down in here, because I have a feeling he will walk away all happy like nothing happened. I feel like I have no help  from official people.. When the police man/woman listening to me what are my fears and my reason to not to let him to see my kids, they all understanding how I feel, but they saying he has rights too.. This is the time when I really want to ask them what would you do in my shoes?? Would you let your kids have even a second with that type of person???
I think I know the answer!

Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own"
"But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you wear? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet"
What would you do if you find yourself in my situation??
I really would like to hear your comments, it's so important to me. I feel alone to fight for my rights to be a good mother and just to be want the best for my kids and not disturb them any more.
They are both having a nightmare about their father will brake the front door in and hurt us.
They know how he is like when he is angry and losing his temper! They saw him many times like that.
The day we left him he had Gigi on his arm and he was going in the bedroom to get the mace pepper gun and wanted to use it on my sister and me, with his own kid in his arm... fortunately I was thinking beforehand and hid the gun in my bag. God knows what would happen if he managed to get hold of it, my daughter still talking about that moment how he was saying where is the gun..
I feel will disturb the kids even more if they see him, after all what happened.
My son knows nearly everything what is going on, he had to make a statement at the police station, because he was the witness when the ex hurt me over the years..

"Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone...
So are you calling me, are you trying to get through, oh?
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you?"
I am worried about my kids and my future. I just want the best for them, that why I was staying with their father that long to have a real complete family. I done everything to keep this family together, but I had enough..

I feel so alone and depressed in this last weeks, it's no words for it.
I feel, I am going back to my old self.. by closing my heart front of everyone and keep my thoughts and pain inside me again, how I did in this 15.5 years...

"And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put 'em on and wear 'em
And be yourself, man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful"
I try to be proud who I am even what happened with me in my life so far and try to deal with all this by my own.
You have no idea what I am going though in this months.. you really do not want to be in my shoes.

It does matter in life where and what family we are come from,  I feel I have to fight for my rights all the time to be happy in this world...

Thank you Marshall for your beautiful song to help me to write the story of this dark side of my life.

6 comments:

Laurie said...

Oh Marianna,

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I would take it away in a heartbeat if I could. I hope you know there are several people out here praying for you.

In my opinion, I would not let my children be around a pedofile, even though it is their father. He admitted he is messed up in the head, and you never know what a messed up person could do. I just don't think I could let my children be around someone like that.

I really do hope things start to look up for you. Keep your head high, you are a wonderful person, and you never ever deserved this.

If you ever need anything, please let me know.

MGMart said...

Oh Laurie, you have no idea how much your words are mean to me.
I have read your message so many times already since I have received it.

I can not thank you enough for taking your time to write to me.

Every time I read your message, it is giving me a hope and strength someone out there thinking of me and praying for me.

I feel so hopeless, you have no idea.. it is no words to describe how sad I feel really. I was crying so much already today too, because I got some more bad news this afternoon and I realized it is no justice in this world in my case..

I can not tell you here in details yet, but if you write to my email: marica.art@btopenworld.com I can reply to you there.

It is just getting too much for me now, I really do not know how much I can take.. I know I have to keep going for my kids sake and I hope I will pull through this no matter what, but sometimes I feel my heart will be not as strong as I think to take that much stress and pain.

I am trying my best to look after myself, because I know my kids need me.. they are only got me now who they can trust as their parent.

Monica said...

I don't know you and you don't know me but you are doing the right thing for your babies and as a mother, I love you for it. hugs and prayers
Monica

Danee said...

My heart is breaking for you. I am in the US- I have no idea what the laws are where you live, but I do know that you are very depressed and you need help. Can you see a physician who can prescribe appropriate antidepressant medications? Your depression is not because you are a weak person or there is something fundamentally wrong with you. Rather it is a result of all you are going through and your past history of being an abused woman. It becomes too much, your overwhelmed and you need help. Depression comes from changes in your brain's chemistry caused by all of your stress and lack of sleep. You are an abused woman and you will need support and help to gain back your sense of self-worth and confidence. This man took it away from you but don't let him keep you from getting it back. He abused you for 15 years but he is no longer your husband and it is time for you to take care of yourself. It is time to stop worrying about his needs and wants. I think you know that, but you still feel he has power over you- these are all common feelings among abused woman. He was your husband and he is the father of your children, you were together for 15 years, but he ruined all that by abusing you and by watching child porn.

In the US there are many resources in the community for women who are battered, abused, or homeless. There are women who have skills to help someone like you get a plan together to keep yourself and your kids safe. Is there something like that in your community? I think you should consider, at least temporarily living with a family member you trust where there is a male in the household who can help keep you safe if the ex does try to visit your or your children.

In the US we have child protective services. They are called in a situation like this where someone suspects abuse or pedophilia. They would investigate your ex-husband's pedophilia and would be able to help you keep him away from the children or at least require all visits be supervised by another adult. Do you have something like that? Is there a woman's shelter you can call for advice? Even if you aren't homeless they should be able to help direct you to persons who can give you advice on your situation. You need help with all of this; it is too much for one mom to deal with. It sounds like your family is supportive and that is great. Rely on them right now, that is what family is for even if it is just for emotional support.

Your feelings, frustrations, concerns, and fears are normal but they are threatening to become overwhelming and incapacitate you. This is why you need medical help and advice. Please ask for help- maybe your solicitor knows where you can seek advice and assistance.

Stay strong and believe in yourself.

Anonymous said...

Hello- I came across your Etsy shop and then came to your blog. I am so sorry that you have to go through such a horrible mess. You seem like a very good person- and EXCELLENT mother- and it's so sad for you to experience this. I know there are other women in your situation. My father did not abuse me in that way, but when I was young he was an alcoholic. My mom wanted to divorce him when I was young, but didn't because there wasn't enough proof that he wouldn't be a fit parent for them to share custody of me and my brother. So she waited until I was old enough to have a say and tell the judge the story. I know that our experiences are different and that yours is far more painful, but I just want to let you know that you're not alone in this, and that sometimes the court system really can't protect everyone like it should! You are doing the right thing by not wanting the father to see his kids. He needs some serious help first. I am sending prayers and well wishes for you and your children. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. You don't see it now but someday you will. Stay strong.

l'actrice said...

Give it a little more time, just until the divorce is finished. From then on you and the kids should be save. I know it's not easy. Don't let the kids alone with your ex right now. If your son is a witness and the police know about everything going on with your ex, that should help to keep him away from your daughter at least. There must be a law in Hungary to forbid him to see the children if he acts like this.
You have to go through this. I hope the divorce is soon finished. He has to split the money, which you really need. You should be good then. You even can move somewhere else and start all over.