20 July 2011

Not Afraid

I did not want to write about this just yet, to not to interfere with the Police investigation.
But today I feel like I was pushed into the corner and I have to write it down what is really going on around me.
I don't really know where should I begin..
First I want to explain why I am using Eminem song "Not Afraid" with my story.
I did not like Eminem at all, my son is a big fan and he started writing rap lyrics a few months ago.
But every time my son was mentioning Marshall's name, I was always seeing that singer with a mask on and a chainsaw in his hand.
One night I searched him up, because I was worried my son listening to his music most of the times and I found one of his old song and I did not like it how he was swearing in it.
But one day, on the 23rd of May my son was telling me to listen to a "Not Afraid" song and when I first listen to Marshall's lyrics, I felt so many similarities how I felt in the last months...
I so understand what he was or still going through, I would love to talk with him one day about it...

I will write under each song line when I can associate my feelings how Marshall felt when he wrote his song.
I am listening to his "Recovery" album on my iPod nearly every night when I am having my exercise on the cross-trainer while my kids asleep.
Marshall's words are comforting me, even how he swears, as I know from my own experience when everything is just too much and look so hopeless, I tend to swear too, because this is how I can express how helpless I feel...
So let's begin my story with the help of Marshall's words:

"I'm not afraid to take a stand"
I was waiting exactly 2 months now for the police to deal with my problem, but I have to tell people what is really going on. I can not keep it to myself anymore, I am a mother and my kids are the most important to me. I can not sleep, I can not create as I did before, that is one of the reason I decided to close down my shops very soon..this information is slowly ruining my life...

Two months ago I had to give the ex old broken down laptop hard drive for the police in Hungary (was my solicitor advice to check his hard drive out if he was cheating on me, as my son searched his YouTube user name up one evening and he found many sexual related comments on young girls videos), which was full with extreme/abnormal pornographic images and videos and so many of the photos was indecent images of children (child porn). The ex was viewing them day by day back in 2009... he was visiting this pedophile websites when he was staying and working in the UK. That laptop was broken down in the end of 2009 and he took the hard drive out and kept it in the UK and he bought the laptop back to Hungary to mend it, but my nephew could not mend it, as the hard drive wasn't in it. The ex only bought back the hard drive end of last year, but he told me not to sell it with the laptop, as it's needs to be destroyed, because of contains some videos and photos of me and him having sex...
Don't need to say, not many photos was on it from me.. but I found many naked photos of my younger sister and from one of my UK friend amongst hundreds of porn images and videos what he could not delete from the hard drive as the laptop was broken down. Just remember how he was always telling me how to delete data from the laptop hard drive to make sure nobody can recover it..never understood why was so important for him to say that or do it, but now I know why...

"Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm"
Since I decided to divorce him, I was walking from my older sister's flat to the court, police station, child welfare office, because I felt I need to walk off my stress...
This half an hour walks helped me think what is going on in my life.

"Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road"
I do feel so alone, even my older sister and her family helping me so much to talk about all this.
They are my biggest support, without them I could not leave the ex on that day on the 16th of April.
They were always there with me when something new happened, when I've learned something new about the ex.
But even that, I am still feeling lonely at night when the kids asleep and I can't, because my mind not letting me rest.

"Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one"
That's right.. I do believe everything is happening for a reason.
At the moment I still don't know what is the reson for all this, but hopefully I will find it out soon.

"Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there
You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me"
I do not care what people will say about me after reading this post.
I am doing this for me, I waited long enough for the police to sort something out, but I been told today by the Hungarian police, to have underage porn photos on someones hard drive and to view them is not "that serious offence" in Hungary...
The UK police was telling me today, to stop calling them because the Hungarian police is dealing with it and when I said what about his new laptop, they don't feel the urgency to check that one out if they already know that man have a pedophile interest??? He is in the UK, so what is stopping them to take him in to questioning him. He already blackmailed me a few weeks ago with some of my photos he took from me, he will put it up on his twitter page.

"I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he.."
The ex tried to change me to a person who I never wanted to be..
Now I am finally getting back to my old self, who I was.
While I lived with him I hated it when people took a photo of me, but now I am the one who takes lots of photos of myself, especially from my eyes.. I am proud again who I am, not scared to show my eyes anymore. I do believe eyes are the window to the soul.

"...You said you was king, you lied through your teeth"
I had enough with the ex lies.
I think he don't even remember when he lies and when he tells the truth anymore.

"...There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down"
Once I made my decision, it's no way back. I got too far now to back down.
I hope I will have the strength to finish this and get out of this by myself.

"But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out"
I am thinking all day and all night about all this why I never noticed anything, why I was thinking what that man was doing to me was normal? I am kicking myself to be that naive and stupid not to see who is he really...
"Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't"
I have no plans for my feature with my kids yet. That's why I want to close my shops soon, to focus what should I do next and to put my life back together again for my kids.

"This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!"
I thought to leave the ex was the hardest part for me, after all that what he done with me in this 15.5 years.
Since I put the divorce papers in the 6th of May 2011, I found out that horrible truth about him, I was living with a pedophile.. This makes me sick to think about every day and every night... what he was thinking after he was viewing them underage kids porn images??? Where did he got the website links from?? I don't think you can Google this kind of stuff in the internet.
He got a 14 years old son and a 6 years old daughter. What a fuck he had in his mind??? This man is a monster and as much I am concern I am divorced from him. I don't need to wait for a piece of paper, what some strangers will sign I am officially divorced. I finished with him in a day I decided to divorce him on the 12th of April 2011.
Every time something new I found out about the ex. I said: "This can not be any worst than that!" but always did, so I am not saying this anymore, I am so scared what else I will find out about him...
"I'm not afraid to take a stand...

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now"
I had enough today with all that phone calls and waiting, it's everything happening too slow.
I have other worries, but I really can't write about that here, it's too personal for me...
I feel strong again to face him one day, he mean nothing to me anymore, he is a nobody in my eyes.
I trust the lowest person in the world more than I would ever trust him again.
I am sorting my life out since I realized it in April what he done with me, I am working on it every day to make it better for my kids.I wish I noticed things earlier, I feel like I wasted 15.5 years of my life, the only thing I will never regret is to have two children.

"It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead"
I cried so many times, days and nearly all night, every night...
It's so hard to get answers to my questions, to try to work it out in myself what was going on with me in this 15.5 years, how he made me not to see the real him...
I think he done it one by one, every day treated me bad, but every time he cried and said sorry, he said he can't stop himself to be nasty to people and I am just too good hearted and he slime his way back to me like a snake...
"No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle on it"
As I said, I am a mother and my kids the most important for me. I need to focus what I need to do next.
I want to do everything I can, to make my kids life happy and raise them to be a healthy adults.

"Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and"
 I am not afraid to take a stand...

Thank you Marshall to gave me the strenght with your words and feelings to help me through all this crap, and write this post.

PS: I wrote this post on the 18.07.2011., but I was thinking to publish it or not... 
now I did, I have nothing to hide...
I had so many restless nights since exactly two months now I know about what was the ex was up to and the only way I can move on if I bring it to everyone's attention.

Some people might think I should not done it, but it's my life and I needed to do it.
Take me as I am, I will not hide something what I was never been aware of and I want people to learn from my mistake, by not noticing what was the ex up to... who I was living with 15.5 years and gave my life to, gave two children for him and believed him...

...even if only one person will learn from this, it's worth it to write it all down.


Amanda said...

I wish you peace in your struggles. *hug*

Anonymous said...

Hello Marianna~
I very much ditto Amanda's above statement.Writing is a very good form of healing.It will take some time to heal and when you do,may you come back a new fortified you!I also send *hugs*~

LolitaRose said...

I was so sad to read your post today. What you're going through is something that no one should have to ever experience. I wish you the very best in your future, and hope that you are able to put this in your past so one day you'll be able to create again, without being afraid. *hugs* to you and your children.

l'actrice said...

Most important is that it helped you to let the demon go. You don't have to take on other peoples (your ex) problems. Now it's time to let it go. For a new life:-)

Rita alias alatvian said...

Dear Marianna!
I second Iris completely!
Let him and his addictions go!
Think about yourself and your kids!
And get professional help to do so as quick as possible!

Jen said...

I'm so sorry for your sadness. You are such a strong person to face the truth and leave him. I wish you and your kids tons of happiness, as you deserve it!

Anonymous said...

I came across your store closing on weddingbee... and linked to your blog.

I am very saddened by what you had gone through. I am getting married soon and not sure what I would do if I were in your shoes.

I am amazed by your courage to write the post. Yes, this is your life and this post is what you need to do no matter what others say.

My parents went through divorce, and it WILL work with one parent, and that parent has gotta be tough. I may not know you but I can see that you are!

My prayers will be with you and your 2 children.

Stranger from Canada

aslı iyigiyim said...

Hi Marianna!
You are a very strong woman, please don't let ANYBODY to change you into a person you don't want to be again. It's what made you not see the real face of the devil. I've divorced 6 years ago, not exactly the same reasons with you, but the things you wrote made me cry. It's so sad that you gave a devil 15.5 years, but just look forward, you can make it in the best way. I can see it from very far away, Turkey!
Hugs hugs hugs to you and your little babies!

tiatuenge said...

You are very brave! There is alway light after a dark night even if it seems like the sun will never shine again. Sending you love and light.

Laurie said...


I stumbled across your blog because I love your Etsy shop. I'm so sorry you are having to shut it down.

You WILL be able to weather this storm! Best wishes to you and your family.

Mary Anne Komar said...

You WILL overcome all of this, and your children will be blessed to have you as their Mother, God bless you and your little family!

supercursi said...

Hi, I came here from your shop and although I don't know you, I'm so sorry for all what's happening to you. You see like an strong woman and I wish you the best.

selttikssck said...

One day, all the pain will pass; and by that time, you have already established a new and stronger you who is looking forward to a fresh and brighter beginning. :) You can go through this, I promise.